Hi Ladies,

Tell me Im not the only one who's thoughts are dominated by the ex. My first thought on waking every day (without exception) are always something to do with him, either anger, sorrow or disbelief. I run imaginery conversations in my head, doing the washing, hoovering, driving, watching tv.
Are we all doing this?
My own sign post for recovery is the day I dont think about him first thing. This has been going on since April 2009. Its driving me crazy.

Im maybe luckier than some because I have had the opportunity to tell him exactly what I think, uncovered every lie, so hes under no illusion that I know every deceit, but still I find myself thinking of things to add.

How long does this thing to take?

Abbey,
I have realized through all of this that dealing with divorce is a lot like dealing with a death. Yesterday my dear friend would have celebrated her 29th birthday, but by a terrible twist of fate her life was taken 9 years ago. I get angry with myself because even though it has been 9 years I still feel the same sadness I did the day I heard the news that she was gone. This time of year I crawl into a hole that only I can fit in. I sit at a grave and open the flood gates.
I also get angry with myself that I still feel sadness over losing my marriage. I often compare my marriage to a death. It hurts, it takes your breath away, it stops your life in its tracks, it makes you wish you were the one who was gone....BUT we have to look deep inside ourselves to "pick up the pieces"
When my Shari died I wanted to crawl in to bed and NEVER come out. I cried, I quit eating, I refused to talk to anyone... when my marriage ended I felt the same way.
It took me a long time to get to the place where it don't hurt so bad anymore. It's more of a dull aching pain now. I don't feel it every day, I can go days without thinking about the pain I have allowed myself to endure. Then there our other days that I WANT my pity party! I sit on my bed and open the flood gates.
I am with someone now who is wonderful, but it seems that when I least expect it thoughts of my ex will creep into my head.
The 11 years we were married we not all bad, to say they were would be a bold faced lie. I too have conversations with my ex in my head...where he actually listens (thats how I know they are in my head lol) I imagine us being friends...bigger LOL!
I wish life was simple.
I can sit for hours and dwell on the loss of my friend, IT IS UP TO ME THE MEMORIES I WANT TO DWELL ON.
I think of the good times we used to have. The laughs we used to share. I can cry now and still feel a peace inside. I know that if the tables were turned she would still have those memories too.
As for my ex...I can write a NOVEL of all the rotten things my ex has done to me. I am sure there on things I don't even know about, and I want to keep it that way.
One day you will wake up and things will be okay and you will be wondering what the fuss was all about ( look up the song "A Little Bit Stronger" by Sara Evans it is a great song for those of us going through divorce)
Start today with a memory of some one who loves you...even if it is your dog and you will have a great day
Until then I know that I have two boys that need me to smile at them, they need me to assure them that their life will be okay. They need me.

Once again, it feels like I am hearing my own words when I read all the posts in this thread! I just woke up and was thinking to myself as I made coffee, "when will he not be my first thought in the morning?" and then I logged in and saw this topic -- Thank you Abbey!. Things are getting better though, I don't start the day feeling like I've been punched in the gut like I did for weeks and weeks. And my eyes are usually not sore from crying myself to sleep the night before either, most mornings. Progress is slow, but steady. I am also using the technique of recalling all the lousy and thoughtless things he said and did over the 20+ years we were married. I know I was not a saint, but I also know he has moved on and I haven't. The further I get away from it, the more I see it as it was: he did what he wanted and I ran around in circles trying to make him happy. Not even out of love after a while, just to keep him from from making our home unbearably tense and gloomy with his moodiness. I was very co-dependent. Yuck! But still, it stings like hell that he is with other women now. My ability to let go and the time it is taking is equal to the commitment and energy I put into trying to make the marriage work. So of course he was able to let go quickly and I am not. I think this mourning period, which is what it is, is necessary in order to make progress not just in getting over the marriage, but in progressing as a person. I want to be a better, more authentic, happier person! Whether I ever have another partner or not. I have to believe all this pain is a gateway to seeing things, including myself, differently. I believe we will have a final breakthrough eventually, and it will be beautiful!

Lisa, I am so sorry for the loss of your friend. I hope we all have more peace and happiness than sadness today.

Love,

Lori

I hope so Lori. I am really sick of myself! The ups & downs of this process is a very lonely feeling.

Thank you Lori
It is still very painful for me.

I am glad that you are healing. These things take time, sometime we don't want to wait it out, but in the end it is worth it. You will be happy.
I was alone for so many years (while married) then I left him. That was the first step I took to loving myself again. It takes time to realize that we are worth more then they are willing to give. I wanted it all. Now I have this wonderful man in my life who not just tells me he loves me, he show me that I am worth loving. And because I now love who I am, I know that I deserve it.

Abbey,
I go through the same thing every day. I woke up this AM feeling depressed. I had an absolute flurry of memories & emotions going through my head that really exacerbated my sadness. What helped me today in the moment was to turn my thoughts to all of my husbands unkind actions towards me. I was actually able to place myself in the moment eg. I remembered my husband saying to me "what do you think I am going to get struck in the head by lightening & start liking you!" I felt anger & rage for the cruelty & at least in the moment was able to say to myself "what the hell am I doing to myself?!" Is that how I want to be treated?! I am trying to do this today every time I think of the good memories. In relationships it truly is in the every day actions of how we are treated, especially when the chips are down so to speak. I still feel depressed, like crying but it did help a little bit. At this point I am grateful for a little bit with hopes that someday it will be a lot.

Thanks Ladies for all your replies.

I too am with someone who loves me and treats me well, it kind of infuriates me that my head is full of the man who treated me so badly. Mornings are certainly the worst.
It does help knowing Im not alone and that yes this also seems to be a 'normal' part of it. At one point I was thinking that if I couldnt get him out of my head then maybe I had made a mistake and should just go back. The only thing that stopped me was logic and common sense! I also remember 'keeping the peace', reading his mood and doing everything possible to avoid his negativity coming out and making the home miserable. I also remember being very alone and thinking to myself 'I dont love him anymore'.
I found a journal I wrote several years before leaving, I was really unhappy and he treated me badly even then.
So why he floods my head now I dont know. Guess we are all grieving the attachment we had, even if it was a negative attachment.

I saw him last week, we yelled for ten minutes and that was it, silence, the first ive really had, I have to say I was doing much better. Checked tonight and theres an email from him. Nice email, saying he will fill holiday form and try put money in this week etc. Even said he had received letter from child support agancy and will fill that in and return it. For the first time, I havent responded. I havent responded because I came and checked out what you ladies said about them filling our thoughts, I figured if you were having the same problem then it is normal. Therfore what Im feeling isnt insurmountable nor does it suggest I have made a mistake (phew).
I want to be happy, I just want the pain to go away. I can make the pain go by going back but I wont be happy. I can build a new life with my partner and be happy but I need to just let the pain dissolve.
I think thats it, I think thats how this thing is going to work out.
Very frustrating that I spend so much energy on an absolute sod who doesnt deserve 5 minutes.

Lisa Im also sorry for your loss. Hopefully you will reach a point when you can celebrate the time you had together without the pain of loss. I often think about how I would feel if I passed away, would I want my family and friends to be sad or would I rather them celebrate our time spent together. Thinking from their perspective tends to help me. Its like the other things we endure, a process. Man we are learning so much about life, not always through choice but wont we make wise grandparents! lols.

I can also relate. My brain can be very cruel to me. In fact, if he is out of my thoughts, my inner voice will point out the fact that I am not thinking of him! Ugh!! This morning I woke up and my first thoughts were about what I was doing today. Then I 'remembered' him. He still lives in my house! He's at the bars, usually when I wake up I look out the window to see if he ever came back. I used to feel such a sense of relief when I saw he was back, now I feel d@mn HOW does he keep surviving?? I have had countless conversations with him in my head, and have actually replayed them to him in real life, I can be pretty caustic when I want to be. He came home tonight while I was picking up my son. He sleeps in my basement and I needed to carry on with the laundry. So I did. No stomping on the stairs or slamming doors to give his drunken head a pain. No coughing 'loser' as I passed by and DEFINITELY no tirade!! I have done this before and congratulated myself on my self-control later. But you know what, it wasn't self control. I just didn't want to. I had no desire to speak to him, to upset him. Usually he hears me and covers his head with his blanky. He didn't, so I saw his sleeping face. I didn't feel anger or bitterness or pity or love. I just though, wow, he is one ugly dude I am getting to the place of indifference. There is a fine line between love and hate. I am moving far away from love so I am not close to hate anymore. I also get on that emotional roller coaster but I can easily remind myself of what kind of person he really is (my marriage has been horrible from day 1, 20 years of crap). When I find myself trapped in that circle of why's and how's, that noisy head chatter that tries to figure it all out, I tell myself STOP. It doesn't matter. Can't go back in time and undo the past. All I can do is focus on the moment and try to make better choices so the future me can look back on these days and feel wow, I was so strong and made some tough but good choices to set me up with a better life. I really feel I have made a break through this weekend and when I feel myself losing it I'll come back to these thoughts and leave thoughts of him by the wayside.