Hello again just needed to vent a bit today. I am now out of my house and my husband is living there for now. Hoping he will be able to get a loan and we can do a quick change deed into his name so he can have it. I don't want it. At the moment I am at my parents, which is awkward and a bit depressing on its own. I haven't lived in my parents house since I was 18 and have always been independent. I know I can get back to that just never thought I would have too depend on them so much like this. I always thought things would go the way they should. I wanted a baby by now thank god we didn't because life would be even harder and I am not able to take any more surprises. Sometimes I daydream about things getting better and having control of my own life again and then I get scared and just want to crawl under the sheets in my parents guest room that used to be my room growing up. Its weird to sleep in their again....if you can call what I get sleep I seem to wake up at 2am every morning covered in sweat and not being able to breath. Fear of my life falling apart I guess I dunno. I wish for so many things lately, I need a magic lamp to carry around with me. Too bad life isn't that easy.

Hey Julia

It all mounts up and having to move to the unfamiliar (although its familiar) makes it harder because it makes it twice as real. I managed one night at my mums and went back to my house (full of bugging devices, lols, I was clever and fed him whatever I wanted - he could only hear my side of the telephone conversation, not the dial tone I was talking to). I evenyually moved into this place a month after. Now after 18 months I have to move again and its difficult. I was in a hole here but it was my safe hole. Now I have to move forward, dont feel like Im that ready but if not I may stay 'stuck' forever.
Its weird, do you look around you at what used to be normal stuff and feel alien from it all? I look at the mums at school and they are chatting, Ive kept my distance for so long, it all just seems different somehow. If they laughed at something my laugh wouldnt be real. Everything is tainted, my sense of reality is tainted. The smallest of things can induce pain. I used to be one of those mums, moaning about the amount of letters school send home, now it doesnt interest me. Local shop I avoid because I remember standing in the same que when I had a different life. The world goes on but I often feel locked in my own world, hopefully I will rejoin one day but not yet.
Probably the best thing I did was get my own place, I could put my own stamp on it. It was a sanctuary I needed.
I had lots of places I could stay but that would entail being sociable when I didnt feel like it. There have been days I havent spoken to a soul because I just didnt want to.
Its so very personal but life shattering, nothing is the same and our perception changes. And its all on the inside. People expect what they always expected from us, the oneliners, the smiles, and of course sometimes people think we are taking too long and want to help us out. Bless them.
Moving on top of everything else can be such a struggle because we lose so much of ourselves, our independance, our stamp on the world, our little place in the scheme of things. Knowing we have to start all over again is really scary but dont do what I did and get stuck, neither moving backwards or forwards. Pulling a turtle move is not an option, lols.
We are all here, striving to see another day through and one day closer to getting ourselves back whole. While we may be broken now, we arent alone. All things pass, the only magic lamp we all have is time and it will do its job.
Im 43 and want to live under my duvet many times. Im a mum, meant to be strong, in control of not only my life but my young sons, sometimes I wonder how the heck Ive got this far but I have. One day at a time.
Am I confident Ive got everything right? Hell no. Am I scared? Yup. Sometimes just the thought of the future scares me. Birthdays, Christmas, school plays all those things scare me. The things I used to love with all my heart. Will I always be afraid? the women on here have given me hope that no I wont always be.
Im thinking of you, out of joint at your parents, feeling familiar but not familiar. Im thinking of you putting a brave face on, Im thinking of you waking up at 2am and feeling the world is hostile. I can think of you because I understand perfectly as does everyone else here.

You have your magic lamp as we all do, its called time.

Peace & Love to you

Today use your awareness to see how this message is true in your life:

Your heart can create any amount of love, not just for yourself, but for the whole world. Open your heart, open your magical kitchen, and refuse to walk around the world begging for love. In your heart is all the love you need.~ don Miguel Ruiz.

I have found the most wonderful and empowering books to read by the above author. Just reading them has given me strength I never thought I had. First read the Mastery of Love, then The Four Agreements. The second book is one of the most inspiring reads you could get. If I had enough money I would buy every woman on this site a copy of each as this has lifted me from the depths of despair and placed me in a more confident stance with dealing with my husband. He is blown away at how happy I am now, it does his head in! More power to us chicks! luv to all

Another very therapeutic author is Joel Osteen. He talks about letting go of past disappointments so you can open the door to greater things to come. He also emphasizes that happiness is a choice. I sat at borders tonight reading excerpts from one of his books. Ladies, I know the depression can consume your daily experiences. I struggle with it each day. It was helpful to read about what I & many of you are doing to ourselves by holding onto the past. It really is self-limiting & prevents opportunities for growth.
~I wish for all of us to close the door of our pasts so the next door can open widely & we can walk through it to experience all good things to come.