My story in a nutshell: 21 years married, 3 kids (18,16,and 9). Years and years of emotional abuse, control, manipulation. Years and years of me begging husband to go to counseling with him delcining repeatedly. Extreme pressure for sex....even made "to do lists" of sexual favors he wanted me to perform. Told me it was "my job" to put out. Went through cancer and he was AWAL. Rejected my family...etc. You get the picture. After he opened a separate checking account and being informed that it was "his money"...also that I was "a good mother, but that's about it", I finally filed for divorce. That was a year ago September. Only then did he decide it was time to go to counseling. I reluctantly agreed and pulled the plug on the divorce. After over a year in separate bedrooms and a year in marital and individual counseling, I still wish to proceed with the divorce. I have done lots of "leg work". I've created spreadsheets of various budget senarios, created spreadsheets of possible despersment of household goods/furniture. I've even done some house hunting. All the while, I felt strong and convicted. Today, however, I opened my separate checking account. I got home and saw my children playing their Wii and began feeling the anxiety take over. I looked at them and shuttered at the thought of me shattering their lives. I know that they are aware of the state of our marriage, but I still hate to do this to them. They are my life...at the same time, I want a life too....I feel selfish, which is out of character for me. Has anybody gone through this? If so, how did you muster up the courage to act on what you want/need to do. My husband has stripped so much from me. I am finally standing up to him and ready to break free. help! I need some words of wisdom...anything to help me over this hurdle.

Peace Maker, I am so sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time. My story is far different-my stbx left me-so I can't help you much with your specific questions. I can tell you, though, that there are a lot of women whose stories are a lot like yours. It is very difficult to watch your children go through such a hard time. Let me ask you this...do you want your children to grow up and think they way your "marriage" is is how it should be? Do you want them to think it's OK for women to be treated the way you are treated? If your children are boys you do not want them to treat their future wives the way you have been treated. If girls, you want them to stand up for themselves and expect to be treated better than you have been treated. Although I am heart broken for what my children are experiencing, I am grateful that they (both boys) are seeing that acting the way their father acted did not make for "happily ever after." Divorce is a roller coaster ride. Stay strong. Some days that will seem, or even be, impossible. Then you have your meltdown and pick yourself up again when you are able. Glad to hear you are in counseling. Hang in there. Hugs.

Peace Seeker, I left my husband. I lived for years under a blanket of fake smiles. If someone got to close and seen my unhappiness, I shut them off. Telling them "Everything is okay"
My husband like yours was never happy with me. I was never good enough. I didn't give him enough sex, I had two children to raise, My Chron's took a lot out of me. I was tired all the time because my body does not absorb B-12 or Iron. I was exhausted ALL the time. I could barely keep my eyes open some days. I just wanted, needed to sleep all the time. On a good day I would only throw up 6 to 10 times. He told me I was lazy and that I was an unfit wife. He thought that if he wanted sex I should just take my clothes off and give it to him. Who cares that the kids were up and crying or fighting or left alone, his wants/needs came first. He felt that if he wanted to go out he should be able to because he was the one who brought home the check every week. One example of how selfish he was: I was having a very bad flare up and my oldest son was 3 and the youngest was only 6 months. I was throwing up none stop for 3 days. My oldest was rubbing my back telling me he would take care of me. My youngest was crying in his crib, I couldn't walk away from the bathroom...where was he? At a bar. He knew I was sick and still he went out. I had to call the bar to get him to come home to take me to the ER. I was proud, I refused to call my Mom who lived right up the road. I didn't want her to see him that way. My brother came and took the kids and my drunk husband came home ****** that he had to take me to ER. I ended up in hospital for a week. He did not care he was mad that he would have to step up and take care of the kids ( which my mother did)
Anyhow I decided I had enough, I always stayed because i looked at how happy my kids were and didn't want to destroy their little world. It got to the point where he was sleeping on the couch and I didn't talk to him at all. My kids were not stupid they knew things were bad. I felt selfish for wanting to be happy too. Nine years was a long time to be unhappy. It's been almost 2 years now since the separation, it has been hard on my kids but it is the best thing I ever did. I am no longer dead inside. I am starting to feel again. I was so numb to emotion before. I shut down. It was easier to deny the hurt them to deal with it. If you don't feel you don't hurt, right?
You can't keep a marriage together on your own, you can't do it for the kids either. As Becky said you don't want your kids (male of female) thinking it is okay to be in a toxic relationship. Show them strength and courage to face life. It will be hard but it may be the best decision that you EVER make. Hang in there, be strong and show love to them. They will be okay.

Your story is very similar to mine...I was married 18 years. I have 2 kids both under the age of 15. It took a lot of courage for me to "walk". One year later I still can't believe I did it.

I look at my kids and every day I feel guilty but all I can think of is that I am a MUCH happier person and deep down I know my kids see it and know it. Your kids are older and soon they will have their own lives and relationships and they will understand. I tell my kids every day that I was not a happy person married to their dad and that when you are not happy you have to change things so that you can become happy. I told them we tried but it is what it is.

My counselor said you give them enough information to help them understand...if I would have given them details which are very similar to yours...they'd hate their dad and that's not what I want.

I have friends that are in similar situations and they ask me all the time "where'd you get the courage to do it...my answer?...I had enough. You'll know when to do it...prepare yourself with information regarding separation/divorce, your financial"s but most of all prepare for the emotions that will be up and down. You'll get through it, I promise.