Ladies,

you know a lot of the story so I wont rehash. There have been some hellish moments.

And when stuff kicks off Ive tended to move on a bit more with my life. Except within weeks ex has made contact and the whole thing starts again. Emails, conversations etc. We have been getting along really well, he says he is simply thankful that we are talking again after the major events last time.

He says he's waiting for me. That he will lose everything without me because I am his reason for everything. Admits he pulled some blinders with the ow but was just keeping her 'there' cos he was lonely. She knew this, I knew that.

He says he loves me more than he has ever loved me, that he will forever hold out some hope that I will find my way back to him, give him that chance.

I guess what gets me is that I miss him, our relationship has gone back to basics, how we were when we were happy. Some have told me that what we had was something some people never find. I can sort of see it. Because I have a different relationship with a lovely man and I just dont feel that 'something' inside.

My ex was never unfaithful during our marriage, the nonsense started once I told him I wished him happiness and to move on, he used the ow as bait for jealousy thinking Id get myself home pretty quick. It had the opposite effect.

And now we have one hell of a mess. Almost 2 years down the line Im thinking Ill never be able to let go of him. When we spend time together (I say little) but he tells me 'now I feel peaceful and calm and have no problems', thing is I know what he means because I feel exactly the same.
Like our souls are peaceful.

Im in a hole, a huge bloody hole. I have a wonderful man who doesnt deserve to have his heart broken.
My feelings are my own, my ex doesnt know how I feel, my partner doesnt, my friends and now my family are saying its a matter of time before I go back.

Even my mother has now said that maybe my ex and I belong together and that maybe now he truly has learned. She says that she would accept my ex rather than see me being unhappy and in turmoil. Which is all good and well yes, but what of my partner? He is a good man who simply doesnt deserve to be caught in the crossfire. So I stay.

I dont know how to leave. He has given me everything and done nothing wrong, my ex has run me ragged and he's in aright old pickle. But my heart, my heart isnt where I so desperately want it to be.

Im living a lie and its killing me. I cant find the words to end this relationship because he has put EVERYTHING into it.

I feel like a b****. Im a pacifist at the best of times. I just dont know, me and my ex caused this and Im kind of thinking Ive made my bed now I must lie in it. But the bed is full of loving and kindness, so its not awful.

I can have a wonderful life of travel, being treated like a princess etc.
But the life I want is with my ex who is a bit of an ass, financially a wreck after dive bombing the business...but someone who I would get up extra early for just to have ten minutes before he goes off to work, opposed to pretending to be asleep.

Ive made a mess of it all. Im ashamed of myself for getting here, for taking my partner here only to have clarity so far down the line.

Any thoughts of the pigs ear Ive made of several peoples lives are welcome.

You need to step back. Ask yourself why you need to be with either of these men right now. Why can't you just be by yourself and get your head straight? What is the hurry? Do yourself a favor and take some space and time for you. You are living your life for these men. What happened to you??????????????

Actually thats what I need to do, and intend to do, bow out. Unfortunately it means hurting someone very very dear.

If my ex is the one then he will wait till I am ready.

Hind sight is a wonderful thing.

The man that you are currently with knew you were pretty fresh out of your marriage when your relationship began. I understand your desire not to hurt him. Is it fair to him to be in this relationship when you can't give him 100%? Does he deserve that? I agree with Brooke. Step back and take care of you and your child (just 1? I can't remember). Before jumping back into a relationship with your ex make a list of all of the reasons you divorced. What has changed that these things will not still be factors? Good luck.

I agree with everyone here. Do a pros and cons list on paper and really really examine it. Ask your self a few starter questions about both men

EX:
1. WHY did you leave him in the first place?
2. Is relationship with ex a comfort zone? (After all you already know what to expect or not expect from him.)
3. Do you trust him anymore? Real trust.

New Partner:
1. Did you jump into the relationship to fast? Is he a rebound? Only honesty will help you here
Once you answered that question ask yourself this:
2. Is your relationship hitting a brick wall or climbing to levels you never had with ex and now your scared?
3. Do you love him?

If you explain to new partner and ex that you are confused and need space then as grown men they should both respect you and allow you time, without pressure to figure out your feelings. If they both persist then cut them both out for a bit and if one of them really loves you they will wait for you to come to them with an answer. Your ex may only want you back because he is scared of losing you or scared of being rejected by anyone else or maybe he really has learned a lesson. New partner may only think he loves you because you need him or he may be understanding and give you space to be true to yourself.
It's so hard to move forward with so much emotion left to be sorted out.
I knew I didn't want my ex back but I still had to evaluate why I wanted to be with the new man in my life before I moved further into the relationship.

Abbey, I also agree with everyone else. Take time away from BOTH. You worry about not being fair or hurting them...you are not being fair to yourself and it seems you are hurting. You really should just let them both go for now and do some self work so you know what you want. And when you are done, one or both or neither will be waiting, and you will have your answer. It's your life and life is what you make it. I mentioned in another post I am impatient and want all of this over now and want to be healed now, but I know it is going to take time. Give yourself time. If you don't, it's another day of not healing. These things don't resolve overnight, so mentally prepare yourself for some hard work, then make you move and get to it. You'll be better off in the end.

Thank you so much for your comments. Yes I need 'me' time. Doing it will be the hardest thing but I know its what I must do.

Excellent! We are here to support you. Please keep us up-to-date and when you feel down we are here to lift you up.

Good luck, Abbey. Let us know how things are going. You're in our thoughts and prayers. Hugs.

Thanks Becky

Im at the edge of a cliff and about to jump with no idea how things will turn out....

Abbey,
I recommend taking a step back and asking yourself what you admire, respect and cherish in a partner regarding character and fundamental values. Did your husband fulfill these qualities? If not then why would you want to go back with him? Ask the same questions about yourself. I believe women truly choose partners at the level of their self esteem. If you are feeling depressed, insecure or bad about yourself, you may be vulnerable towards making decisions that aren't healthy for you. No man defines you or your happiness. It sounds like you have some soul searching & healing to go through. In the meantime be kind to yourself.

Thank you Sue and actually my self esteem has taken a knock of late. I do feel that my partner deserves someone better than me, hes a good guy and Im very all over the place, which he doesnt deserve.
As for my ex, well he is so many things all rolled into one and it depends which one I am dealing with. It appears that he wants so desperately to get things right but insists that he needs me to be able to do it.

I know he shouldnt need anyone, thing is yes the marriage had its problems (which he recognises) but he wasnt like he is now. People did respect his ability to get things done, his drive and ambition. Now he's just a big mess. One good thing is that his arrogance seems to have got burried to a degree.

Today was a hard day and didnt go too well.
It would seem I now have insomnia...thats a new one, usually I escape to sleep.

Don't beat yourself up too badly- love is complicated, and we can only do our best. In fact, I'm sure you're a wonderful woman or you wouldn't have two men so captivated. :)

You should maybe consider talking to a close friend or councilor. You shouldn't have to go through all of this in secret. That sounds stressful. Hang in there, and good luck!

-Mary
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