Hello, I live in Lakeland, FL and plan to leave my husband soon. We have 2 grown children. He knows we are having problems and I do not feel the same about him. Do not feel we have anything in common. He is like a friend/roomate to me not a husband. I don't want to seem cruel but I came out of an abusive/ physically, sexually, mentally, household growing up. I could write a book about it. I wasn't allowed to go to school after age 15. Not allowed to go out of the house nor even allowed to know our home telephone number. I was deprived of food at the whim of my stepfather and finally when I was 20 the child welfare authorities came and took the other kids away. But they said I was too old to help. I looked like a 13 year old. I weighed 89 pounds and had no idea how to live on my own.I took crappy odd jobs and many times did not have any food to eat. But never prostituted or anything, although I was offered it. I got a part time job at a factory and I met my husband there, when I was 22. He was new to this country and lonely, but he had a good paying job. He took interest in me and care of me and just kind of took over and said he was going to marry me etc. I was so grateful that I was being treated well and being looked after that I went along with it. I had never really known what love was. Did not see it growing up. I thought this was love but I realize now it was a grateful kind of love. And I tried to be a good wife and mother for 27 years. But, my heart was always sad inside because I knew I didn't really love him. More like a brother/friend then a husband. The kids took my mind off of it but then in October 2009 my daughter married and my son moved out. The dog died and I was faced with the stark reality that I was living with someone I had no real emotional bond with. No real love and no passion for. I feel sad about it because he is basically a good person. As long as he gets his own way and I remain with him on his terms. I've been getting counselling almost a year and I realize the stress is because I do not love him, have nothing in common but our two kids( grown now) and I know deep in my heart that I want to, NEED to leave, which I think is best for both of us. But, I feel ungrateful for what he has done for me and feel like I am terrible to want to go. altjhough I truly do want to leave. I cry every day and am so depressed I don't want to get out of bed but I do. I am on antidepressants which help some but not alot as I am in a stressful situation. I'm looking for a job . I put in applications every day, but jobs aren't easy to find around here. Especially with no work experience nor diploma. I'm a hard worker and would take anything( as long as it's legal). My counselor said it isn' t fair to him or myself to stay with someone I know I don't love. And that although I can be grateful for what he's done for me,I don't owe him the rest of my life. He controls the purse strings and he knows it. It's very stressful when he demands sex. I go in the bathroom and get sick and cry and shake afterwards but if I refuse he is very sullen and says mean things and even gives me the evil eye for days( and actual mean look that frightens me) and withholds even household money. when I go I want it to appear as though I am going on a little "getaway to myself" vacation. I do not want to file for a divorce right away because I don't know what he might do. I'm a little afraid. if he thinks he is losing the only thing he has left( to possess). So, I am making plans slowly for the upcoming months.
I'm middle aged but just now learning to drive. I have my restricted license and I hope to have my operators license and a used car within a few months. He is buying a me a cheap used car because I said I want to be able to drive to and from a job( if I could find one) and that I would help out with household expenses.( which I would until I left). But most of it I would save.I want to move to Louisiana near the Homer, Minden, or Ruston La area. This
might sound like an odd request but I think being a new driver I would be too nervous to drive by myself. I don't even understand maps although I'm trying to learn, not to mention my lack of sense direction( I do have some learning disabilities)since I was a kid. Dyslexia and Dysgraphia which I never got any help for. I don't think I could try to make the 14 hour trip by myself. I have 2 questions. Is there anyway I can get someone a responsible female)to drive with me ( take turns driving with me, but they do most of the driving) to Lousiana and I pay her something to do that plus motel room we could share, and also pay for her air flight back to Florida? Also can anyone give me links to a decent person, or place in one of those towns I mentioned where I could rent a room from . I would like to get a job here and save some money to go, so I would be able to rent a room untll I hopefully found a job in Louisiana.. I have a little but not much saved. Hubby never wanted me to work, only for his small home business, but now money is tight so he doesn't protest so much about me wanting to get a job..I was in Homer and Minden Louisiana before and they're small towns but I like them. It was peaceful and I SO much want to relocate there. I have a male cousin who lives in Homer but I can't ask to stay with him as he likes living alone and won't even let his own brothers, sister, or grown son, live with him. He loves his privacy and I respect that. Also he is kind of a chauvinist that feels that for a woman in my situation, No education or job, etc, as long as you have a roof over your head and the bills paid, then maybe just put up with the other stuff. He doesn't have to live here. Also he would not want to get involved with family problems and then be in the middle of it and people end up mad at him for helping out., in the event I went back to my hubby( which I don't plan to do). If I got settled and divorced then he would be more helpful as he would realize I have made up my mind for real. This is causing me a lot of depression as I do not love my husband like a wife should and haven't for many years. I just didn't know how to go. My husband has often said if I stay he will treat me well. But, if I go, I will become his worst enemy. There would be no such thing as an amicable separation or divorce on his end. That he will make sure I don't get a penny. Even if he makes himself broke he said that would be what he would do to make sure I didn't get anything. He makes sure each day he mentions how hard jobs are to come by now and how no one would want to hire a 52 year old woman when they can hire a young girl etc. How no one (man)would want me out there in this cold cruel world and any other man would beat the hell out of me etc. That I wont make it without him. I pass for 40 and am fairly attractive except this past years stress took it's toll on me. Now he is talking about withdrawing our savings account. I think he wants to hide it so I wont get anything. It will look like we only have
$ 1000.00 in our savings account instead of $ 12.000 We own our house which was appraised for $ 105.000 in 2007. Now due to Florida home values drastically falling, It was appraised in 2010 for only $ 43.000. the same it was appraised for in 1994!!
This is all making me more depressed as I have no job , no job skills, no diploma. And now maybe no money at all to leave on. but I keep telling myself not to give up hope. I am hoping I get a job and can save for a few months( maybe 4-6) to make just enough to leave here and maybe rent a cheap but decent room from someone for a few months in the Homer, Minden or Ruston Louisiana area, while I actively search for a job there. Then I would like to get my GED. Can anyone tell me can I find a safe contact who can drive me to Louisiana when it's time to go and also any contacts in that area, where I can rent a room from a decent, non drug using female? I googled and can't really find a source of someone who could drive me there. It would have to be a female that I pretend to my husband is my friend, and that we want to take a trip together. I'm sorry this is long but I am exhausting myself trying to find this out. I don't want to get into a dangerous situation. But wonder if there are any safe links/resources that can help me out. I know they have women's shelters in La as I googled it, but they are only for 60 days and I have read stories of peoples stuff being
stolen etc. I would like to keep that as a last resort. I tried to google resources for drivers or for palces to stay. Almost like some underground help for women who need to get away,but keep coming up empty. Maybe I watch too much TV as I have seen such help on TV shows. Can anyone advice me on how to find contacts for the above requests. I really want to move to Louisiana as I was at peace when I visited there the summer of 2009. And just want that to be my new location. Does anyone know of any links or resources that help women in my situation get away? I'm sorry this is so terribly long.
Thanks
Cheryl

I think going to a new place is good. But baby steps might be better. There are apartments in winter garden based on income. And disney is a short ride from there. Get a used car and a job at disney and start saving a little and learn how to be a little independant before going so far. And then you will be on your feet a little better. Not sure that is want you wanted to hear but my opinion lol the apartments are called Osprey landing in winter garden.

Thanks for the reply. I do understand about little baby steps, but I do not want to live in the same state as my hubby. I never wanted to live in Florida in the first place and have been wanting to move for so many years. Been here about 30 years too long. Also I'm a little afraid to be in the same state with him, because of something he said recently. Thinking about getting a gun. He never wanted one before. he doesnt even know how to shoot one. He doesnt' like to drive out of state because he gets lost easily and thinks Lousiana is kind of a redneck state. He's Chinese and his English speaking is about 60 % understandable but he cant read English very well..I will feel safer in another state, near a relative. A relative who is BIG with many guns himself.
I have wanted to move near my cousin ever since I visited his hometown and saw the beautiful lakes and quiet peaceful town. That's where my heart wants to be. I was my most happiest and at peace when I was there then I have been in a many years. Also his brother, my other cousin has cancer and is getting treatments right now.so I would like to be near him to help out. His daughter and two grand kids live with him in his 2 bedroom trailer or maybe he would put me up. But don't really want to ask. I would have money to live on for a few months,rent food etc, but would need to find a job. I know my cousins wouldn't leave me out in the cold. I just hate to encroach if I don't have to. But, I DO want to live in that town or 1 or 2 towns over. My heart is set on it. The rent is way cheaper then Florida too.
You can rent a one bedroom apt for about $ 500.00 a month plus your utilites, or a room with private bath and use of kitchen ,cable internet etc, for
$ 350.00 a month
Or share rent on a 2 bedroom house for about $ 400.00 per month, all utilities included.
Been checking the online newspaper ads for that area.