I agree with everyone here. Do a pros and cons list on paper and really really examine it. Ask your self a few starter questions about both men
EX:
1. WHY did you leave him in the first place?
2. Is relationship with ex a comfort zone? (After all you already know what to expect or not expect from him.)
3. Do you trust him anymore? Real trust.
New Partner:
1. Did you jump into the relationship to fast? Is he a rebound? Only honesty will help you here
Once you answered that question ask yourself this:
2. Is your relationship hitting a brick wall or climbing to levels you never had with ex and now your scared?
3. Do you love him?
If you explain to new partner and ex that you are confused and need space then as grown men they should both respect you and allow you time, without pressure to figure out your feelings. If they both persist then cut them both out for a bit and if one of them really loves you they will wait for you to come to them with an answer. Your ex may only want you back because he is scared of losing you or scared of being rejected by anyone else or maybe he really has learned a lesson. New partner may only think he loves you because you need him or he may be understanding and give you space to be true to yourself.
It's so hard to move forward with so much emotion left to be sorted out.
I knew I didn't want my ex back but I still had to evaluate why I wanted to be with the new man in my life before I moved further into the relationship.
Abbey, I also agree with everyone else. Take time away from BOTH. You worry about not being fair or hurting them...you are not being fair to yourself and it seems you are hurting. You really should just let them both go for now and do some self work so you know what you want. And when you are done, one or both or neither will be waiting, and you will have your answer. It's your life and life is what you make it. I mentioned in another post I am impatient and want all of this over now and want to be healed now, but I know it is going to take time. Give yourself time. If you don't, it's another day of not healing. These things don't resolve overnight, so mentally prepare yourself for some hard work, then make you move and get to it. You'll be better off in the end.
Abbey,
I recommend taking a step back and asking yourself what you admire, respect and cherish in a partner regarding character and fundamental values. Did your husband fulfill these qualities? If not then why would you want to go back with him? Ask the same questions about yourself. I believe women truly choose partners at the level of their self esteem. If you are feeling depressed, insecure or bad about yourself, you may be vulnerable towards making decisions that aren't healthy for you. No man defines you or your happiness. It sounds like you have some soul searching & healing to go through. In the meantime be kind to yourself.
Thank you Sue and actually my self esteem has taken a knock of late. I do feel that my partner deserves someone better than me, hes a good guy and Im very all over the place, which he doesnt deserve.
As for my ex, well he is so many things all rolled into one and it depends which one I am dealing with. It appears that he wants so desperately to get things right but insists that he needs me to be able to do it.
I know he shouldnt need anyone, thing is yes the marriage had its problems (which he recognises) but he wasnt like he is now. People did respect his ability to get things done, his drive and ambition. Now he's just a big mess. One good thing is that his arrogance seems to have got burried to a degree.
Today was a hard day and didnt go too well.
It would seem I now have insomnia...thats a new one, usually I escape to sleep.
Don't beat yourself up too badly- love is complicated, and we can only do our best. In fact, I'm sure you're a wonderful woman or you wouldn't have two men so captivated. :)
You should maybe consider talking to a close friend or councilor. You shouldn't have to go through all of this in secret. That sounds stressful. Hang in there, and good luck!
