Am eager for friendship with like-minded women to share heartache/profound frustration of remaining stuck for now with husband I don't love, respect or trust whatsoever; yet we've been so clobbered by recession, I must just forge ahead, scrimping and working at (poor-paying) freelance work, while helping 11th grade son start college and scholarship search. Husband in and out of alcoholism and prescription drug abuse, clueless with finances even before downturn, never good match to begin with. Son highly gifted and accomplished yet socially awkward, not a go-getter, needs every ounce of my guidance. Desperately want to get son settled with college and scholarship(s) -- then get out of 23-year mess, while younger child will only be starting 9th grade then. Can anyone relate?

Yes!! Email me StrongSpirit101@aol.com

Hey there, guess what "trapped", I felt the same way! Your life is very similar to mine, except my husband is not involved in alcohol, but verbal abuse, control and now pain and blood thinner medicines because of disabilities (more later). I am a school teacher and our daughter is gifted. I wish I could have had more children, but it was not meant to be. Furthermore, my husband and I had been estranged for years, until one day I met the mother of my 10th grade daughter's best friend. SHE CHANGED MY LIFE....After getting to know her, she revealed she had been through a divorce with violence and that was enough! (I'm was old school about marriage, been married for 33 yrs.) Came home one night out with my bus driver friend (same mother) told my daughter how I felt (no surprise) told him "I'm not happy, I know you're not happy and I just told our daughter". He freaked. I woke up the next a.m. my friend picked me up, I withdrew $ from "our" acct enough to put gas in the new car, deposit on appt and 1st mths rent and initial pymt to atty to file papers! We did our homework for sure! so should you! You can do it - I promise! need help, let me know, datbt@cableone.net - - - I'm truly proof "used to be trapped"

The ninth grader may need a lil conciling. At least offer it. You will know the day you are going to get out. On that day. Get out!!! Dont look back. Ever! Find yourself and start living for you, the the kids will start to live for themselves. They will mock your strength, change, and ability to have and handle both and all curve balls in life. All the while the three of you will be living for yourselves.
Best wishes for the dust you leave behind. I speak from experience.
G

This sounds like a profoundly difficult and stressful situation. Good for you for hanging in there on behalf of your kids. This must be exhausting.

I wrote an article called "Six Steps to Take When You Feel Divorce is Imminent." I'll post it here, because you really should start planning and protecting yourself. If you know you're going to leave and you can remain rational, you really will have the upper hand. Good luck!



1. Obtain legal advice before taking major action
Unless you re in a violent or unsafe environment, talk with a trusted legal advisor before making any important decisions. A lawyer can help you decide how to navigate through the difficult issues, like when to leave the household, whether or not to discuss infidelity, and how to best care for your children.

2. Talk to a therapist or counselor 
While marriage counseling can be helpful in resolving difficult issues, once a divorce is imminent, having your own therapist can help you keep your stress in perspective. People often give up if counseling doesn t work to save their marriage, and they see their own happiness as a lost cause. Taking care of your own happiness is important for you and your family, and it will help you to stay strong during difficult times. Furthermore, confiding in friends could backfire or be used as evidence.

3. Consider a collaborative divorce
Collaborative divorce is a process that allows for both parties to say balanced, positive, and productive. You can read more about it here.

4. Protect your children
If you can stay relaxed during these emotional proceedings, your children will have a much easier time. Try not to bad-mouth your spouse or unload on your children. From a legal standpoint a court will attempt to limit any act that might alienate the child s affection for the other party,  and a court may side with the less volatile parent. On top of the legal damages, open hostility towards a spouse promotes anger, resentment, and self-blame in children.

5. Protect your credit rating
 Close any joint accounts, or block your spouses  access. Try to spend your spouses  income first, marital income second, and your own income last. Establish your own bank account and set up a nest egg.

6. Inventory
Make an inventory of your family possessions, spending, and budget. Copy any documents that may serve as proof during a trial. Tax returns, all banking materials, mortgage documents, monthly bills, and pay stubs will give you an advantage when negotiating your financial future.

Try your best to keep calm.

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Good luck,
Mary
stearns-law.com