Yes, it is a process of RIDING OUT the anger and other emotions and LETTING GO. At first it seems like there is so much anger and hurt that we don't know what to do with it all and you are at this stage right now. We want to just pick up that phone or meet face to face and get it all out with him, but in the end, this is never good. He could couldn't care less as you already know and this anger only hurts ourselves.

That is what I also had to tell myself when it all first began. I was not going to let my own anger destroy me while giving him a victory knowing I would be miserable and him not caring any less. I knew I had to focus on finding strength to get through this all instead of worrying about what he felt or what he was doing. This is not easy at first, but it is something we must make ourselves do to survive.

We have to distance ourselves as others have said and then time will help with this as well. The less you learn to think about him and the more you start to find yourself and work on your own life...the more all these emotions will fade away with time. It is a process and you can move it along by learning to redirect your thoughts until it comes natural to not care what he thinks or does anymore.

Just the other day my ex lied to my 16yr old son and implied that the divorce came about because he and I both wanted to be with other people. My son just came right out and told him he was lying. I don't know what my ex was thinking. He threw this girl right in our faces and then he thinks no one remembers. I few years ago if my son had told me this. I would have dwelled on it and wanted to scream out loud how unjust this is to me and the children, but it is different now. My ex will always throw around his lies to feel better about himself, he will always worry about himself first. That is who he is and he hasn't changed at all, but it doesn't bother me now. I can post it here as a fact of what happens, but it isn't something that destroys or angers me anymore. He is who he is and the boys and I have learned to just let go of what he says and does. You will be able to do this in time as well.

It feels so much better not to care anymore...but it takes time to learn how to do this...how to let go...for you....not for him. Hang in there and remind yourself that the anger you feel is only hurting yourself and giving him something to feed off of. You can do it. You deserve it because you count as well.

Susan

Susan, great reply.
I do think as you, that reflecting back, non feeling, in other words, that when the ex is uncaring (which was my case too that he could have cared less/or did not know HOW to care I should say, he seemed repelled by the nature of it), then learning to TURN OFF the FEELINGS helps. I think of scripture as a Christian, that it's not about FEEL THIS OR THAT, but about our WALK. It's an action. We CAN take positive ACTIONS, that really has nothing to do with feelings.
I think men can be less touchey feely than women can because of their chromosonal nature, the y chromosone. Some guys are far worse in their lack of FEELING, however I think I have learned for myself to detach more, that it's perfectly ok to not have to feel everything.. but just let go if need be.
If one can learn from, relationships, their marriage even when it fails, then it's really not a loss.
Also, Heaven is our True Home, not this earth, so in the big picture we are constantly given tests, challenges & we turn always to God, who NEVER lets us down. We may not get why things happen, or at least in the moment be able to see far ahead, but the bible teaches that this life is about lessons & choices, so that we always LOVE & align with Christ.
I read proverbs a lot & psalms after my divorce as it is easy read & so fitting for what I went through.
I was hurt deeply by my now ex husband. He continued to make my life hell by his choices & how it affected our life. He didn't have to but again, it was always his choice.
If you can deal with what is in front of you, to the best of your ability, if you cannot file for a year, then you cannot file for a year. If he is not likely to file because he doesn't feel like it, or he would have to wake up before noon, (you mentioned 3, but let's say even noon is just too early for him), :)
then so be it. Let go, let him sleep his life away,
do what he wants as he does.. NOW is a time for you take back control of your life. If he didn't want this marriage, then you are affected by his choices, not yours. God Sees this & will bless you & protect you.
The Lord asks that we forgive but part of this is also in our being able to let go. Mature people work through things, step by step. There's constancy, slow building, love. You can now do this but without his messing it up ...
I would much rather have stayed married as I was very happy, but my ex continually looked for what was wrong with, was never at peace, but this is within himself. I know this, but cannot change it. You CAN move on, yes. That means first healing, reordering your life, thanking GOD for your life & His Love!!!
There is so much to be thankful for. Eternal Life is what really matters.. even the pains that are part of our daily lives are really nothing in the scope of, "forever."
Hugs.

Susan and JLVR, what wisdom. You are so right in what you say. Of course we all know it is easier said than done, but it can be done and YOU can do it. I tend to be a reactive type of person. I react first, then evaluate how stupid I was. I have learned to be completely the opposite when I speak to Jerk. He will say something to tip me off in that direction, and I so don't react. It completely disarms him! He has nowhere to go with whatever stupid idea he had in mind. It puts me more in the driver's seat-perhaps not in full control, but at least it tips the balance a little more in my favor.

Yes, when we don't react it does put us in the drivers seat and sends them into a tale spin at times. There is something else, another quote I liked to follow...."Smile, because it makes them think you are up to something." When they come at you with demands or try to put you down just wear that smile and don't say a thing, it does wonders.

Susan

Susan, I smile all the time, Now. LOL
before & now. I really was happily married to now ex. But he was not happy in his life no matter. he would be thrilled at first, give it his all but get bored quickly with people & familiarity. Then he would act up like a little kid, anger, leaving, abuse.
I think the smiles would make him upset as he is Not able to live In Love. He can love & loved me but he blocks it within himself.
Anyways.. yeah. smiling is great. I don't get it when people don't smile unless they have been hurt then I do understand where it comes from.. but being happy in self does help & smiling!
life's too short to not be happy.
When we are hurt is when one tries to change things.
I know ex just didn't want to remain happy.. it was not what he understood nor his life patterns.. he has to mess it up. what ever!
i'm smiling too.

JLVR, my ex sounds a lot like yours. He was never happy for very long. He was never abusive except for maybe verbally at the end of our marriage during his affair or when he wanted to manipulate me in some way. Then he really put me down looking for ways to justify his actions with this other girl. He always seems to be looking for his happiness, but he never really finds it. Anything new and different makes him happy for a while, anything that brings him more money makes him happy, any praise for who he is or what he does makes him happy...etc...but he never really cared if anyone around him was happy. In fact, if other's were happy he was more apt to be jealous of what they had or what made them happy if he did not have it. He is a man who always needs more. Not saying it isn't good to succeed or reach for what makes you happy, but when you have to destroy others to get it then that is a different story altogether.

Susan

Becky, thanks. It was rather like ACT & RE ACT.
he was Act & I was Re Act. Oh I can relate.
With the abusers though they have patterns & once they are learned, yep, one doesn't have to re act as much or at least when the cycle breaks as it does because it has to start over again & again (cycle of abuse), THEN I was able to stay off the merry go round.

you guys are all right. it can be so frustrating though. I just learned everything we have been fighting over in terms of him having another kid and all was all a LIE. for what? and now he expects me to take him back. he still cheated though. I asked him why when I'm pregnant would you do this and continue to do things to hurt me? all he could say is I was so mad at you. FOR WHAT?!?! Being ****** at you for lying and cheatting??? SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?! I don't get this b.s

When my ex would come back and we would try to make it work... I would ask him the same thing...why would you do and say such lies etc...His answer, "Because my lawyer made me say those things." He never even took blame for something if he could push it off on someone else. The funny thing was...if he didn't give his lawyer information that they could twist and use against me, his lawyer would have no lies to comeback with in the first place and I don't believe it was all his lawyer anyways...My ex thinks everyone is an idiot and is going to believe his lies. It's an ego thing. Just glad I don't have to live with him anymore. I still have to deal with him...but I can shut my door at the end of the day.

Susan

My ex struggled with ego issues too. Always caring about appearances, was ok with lying instead of being honest with others & himself. He flip flopped on things so often & would not walk a straight path of what was real for him. SO, he unravelled all of what coulda shoulda been.
YEP it's ego issues!