Oh, Abbey, I am so sorry for your pain. It's OK to have a pity party. We all have them, need them. Your circumstances are cruel to your heart, and no one would expect you would be dancing and singing songs of joy. Praying for you.

Abbey,

You have said a lot, but I get the feeling there's a whole lot more to the story.. as is the case with most all of us. Divorce is devastating. Can you safely leave the boy with his dad so he has a home, at least while you find a place?
I agree that no contact is much easier than trying to maintain the facade after breaking up. Either we are part of their lives or not.
Something I believe strongly is that our hearts do not forget. The truth is that the love is alive, if there is love. I think of bfriends from many years ago even, & I remember them. That doesn't mean they come to mind that often, but sure, I remember them, that particular love. It's like building blocks & love is constant. The craziness though is what you are wanting to get away from, one way or another.
There needs to be stability in life, building upon, THE ROCK, if Jesus Christ, we build on solid ground, not sand.
The first few months of the split is the worst!!! But then there are ebbs & flows as you grieve. Shock & anger is first. But grieving is just plain hard work. It's even worse when we are starting over with home, environment, many times friendships because of the divorce, finances change, etc. We have to put on a new hat.
I struggle a lot with that hat. I understood single, I loved being married, but this, "divorce," thing is all new. I have to keep myself guarded at times when I'm unsure.
Someone, not sure if it was here? said, "when not sure, do nothing." That's an option.
The good thing Abbey? Is that you can make choices.
If the marriage was that you were not pulling together, well now is a chance for you to take one step at a time, one day & minute at a time & make decisions for your life. It IS a time of appreciation as you mention, of what we do have.
I LOVED being married. Divorce is really not my favorite thing however some things just are. Deal one day at a time, pray hard about it all, & don't overwhelm yourself.
I make sure & stay close to GOD, pray daily & always always ask HIM, HIS WILL For me. There are choices we make all throughout life. Sometimes paths cross with others (often actually) then we decide, this or that. Remember Heaven is our True Home.
God Bless you.

Wow Abbey. You say you are stupid, I say you are incredible. And brave. And amazingly strong. Extremely smart with a big heart (hey, that rhymes!). You are awesome. You know what, you are so in tune with reality, so in touch with your feelings. You refuse to live a 'fake' life, and you refuse to take someone down (your bf) with you just because you are in turmoil right now. That is truly amazing. How old is your son? What do you tell him? The truth. Tell him you are still hurting and confused from leaving his dad. Tell him even though you loved bf and he loved you, you felt like you weren't being fair to him so you loved him and cared for him enough to let him go. Tell him you don't know where you guys will stay right now but you promise you'll be together and you'll never leave him, that nothing will really change except for where you live. It's not like he was in that cool room for his whole life and that's all he knows and now everything that was familiar is gone. It was recent. He might fuss but he'll be OK. You are more important than a room. And your sense of peace is more important than anything, you will be able to care for your son more when you care for yourself better. Personally I am really proud of you and just know you will be OK. You refuse to live a fake life and that means you are a true authentic person and will get to your place of happiness. For me, I feel fake. I have lived a life of misery for 20 years because having that illusion of marriage and family was more important to me than actually feeling it. I cried a lot, wished I was dead a lot. But I stayed. Because what would people think if I left? What would my kids think if they had to move? Now THAT is stupid. Now I have been in it so long, son will only be around for another year or 2 so I am holding out for him. But I will start the divorce process in the new year. I will do my best to hold onto my home for my daughter (and our cats who roam around!) but if we have to move, so be it. I am sick of pretending to have a husband when he is never here. Tired of feeling depressed that I have no one to go to dinner with or sleep with in my bed. There is nothing. So I will not pretend anymore. It is over. I will not look for anyone new. I will get myself in a good place where I love and respect myself (can't expect anyone else to if even I can't). If someone comes along down the line (and I mean way down the line), fine, I admit I would love that. But if not, well, I will accept that. What I won't accept is being treated as less than human. He may not value me but I do. And your actions show that you value yourself. I think of when my stbx is gone, and my son (16 1/2) will be leaving and it will just be me and my daughter (10). How peaceful! Enjoy the peace with your son. When he goes to his dad, you can have your alone time (also something I look forward to!). Remember, children become adults, enjoy every moment with him while he is with you. Start exploring your dreams. I am applying to grad school. If I get in, I should have lots of experience by the time my daughter is ready to leave home, and when she does, so will I. Just as when I was young, the world and its opportunities are open to me. Think of your dreams. The world is waiting. As for contact with your ex, that is something you'll just have to work on. For me it is easy, I want absolutely nothing to do with him. My blinders are off. He is a piece of crap and if he's off with someone else I don't care, if I never see him again, great. My difficulty is he comes home every day. He doesn't speak to us, he lives in the basement. But seeing his trucks and boat (that I've never been on, but all of his friends have many times) in my drive stresses me. Knowing he can come and go as he pleases stresses me. And the taking food I get for the kids angers me. (I plan for the week, then he takes it and I have to get more and he doesn't give me money for bills). Keep busy. Well, finding a new place to live will keep you busy! Do you have a safe job? Keep going, have faith. Be proud of yourself for the choices you make. You have chosen to take a difficult path that will lead you to happiness rather than an easy path that will trap you in misery. Big big hugs to you, know it or not, you are an inspiration!!

Becky, JLVR and Strongspirit, Im crying buckets after reading your replies.
I really do feel like Ive failed and reading your replies, well what can I say? Thank you.

In all this mess the only thing I know how to do is to keep my son close. I will tell him how it is and i know he will get it and probably say, 'its ok mum', cos thats how he is. The most considerate boy I know. He is 9 ("8 was great but nine is fine" lols thats his saying at the moment), I love him more than life.
I dont know if I would even be here if it wasnt for him.

My bf went on to msn briefly yesterday, asked if there was a chance Id go back, said if i didnt i didnt have to lose him, that he would try and help me through this.

Obviously my heart is breaking for him right now, Im shaking, feel sick and crying (the tears are back again, big sigh).
And right in this instance I want to say 'yes' and saying 'no' is so hard. But I am saying no and tried to explain to him that I cant put him or my son through this again. That I have to get myself better, totally before I can do anything. Its been two years of turmoil because I just papered over things, in time the paper tears and back to square one.

What is so incredibly difficult is that theres a pain killer I can use right now and for a while it will help, but it will wear off and then what. Back to square one.

As my bf said 'youre timing isnt great'. ever tried avoiding xmas? Lols, I guess a lot of you have at some point. Impossible isnt it.
Ive asked my mum to invite my bf for xmas dinner, they love each other and I hope he accpets because the alternative for him is to be on his own.

JLVC, I do have a good job, decent pay, unfortunately me and my bf took on a rented place that is very expensive, I paid half the rent and he pais the rest and bills. So for the next few months I am paying rent for that property, I could not leave him with such a financial burden when he did so much for me. So I am unable to rent somewhere myself while paying for that proerty, hence I wont be looking for anywhere for a while and just scraping through. he has said he will speak to the estate agent and see if there is anyway out, until then, Im pretty much stuck.

I could safely leave my son with his dad but I cant actually do it, i think I would die without my son and Im pretty sure my boy would rather tough it out with me. We are like a little double act and extremely close. I will probably ask him but I think I know his answer already.

Of course the irony is that Im just not that concerned with my ex at the moment but I know if I went back to bf my head would turn into mush over him again. How stupid.

My boyfriend said 'I hope you find what you are looking for' and I think I did but it was at the wrong time.
I have a feeling I will be able to repent at lesiure. I just cant put everyone else through anymore of my messed up nonsense, it only adds to it anyway, i have my own stuff then the guilt of what Im doing to others.

In truth id like to find the biggest rock and crawl under it. Ill take one day at a time because I have no choice.
My only constant is my boy. And yes, i will tell him the truth and I know he will be ok with it. We have talked about how silly and mixed up grown ups can be, he's a wise little chappy.

Thank you for your responses, sounds daft but it is comforting feeling your support. I think we become aware of our own time limits and what those around us must start to think, that this is our way of being now because its been going on so long. Yet we know this is not 'us', how we really are, but the fight to get back is sometimes longer and harder than any of us could have imagined.
All I seem to be is down, yet my persona is of a bit of a nut, someone who laughs, someone who sees the good, finds solutions, loves having fun, does rather odd things (ya wouldnt believe!). That person is still here inside. I hope one day to resurface.

Two years in and still a way to go I think.
Another day, lets see how it goes.

Abbey, one day at a time is all anyone would expect you could do. In fact at times it may be an hour at a time or minute by minute. God has traveled with you to this point and God will see you through. Trust your instincts as that is God's way of speaking to you. I'm sure your bf is very confused and, like many of us on this site, was blindsided. I'm sure he's just trying to understand and that he is truly concerned about you and your darling boy. In relationships, timing is huge. The timing of meeting this man is not your fault. You have set him free, not to be cruel, but to be fair to him. If this was meant to be, it will still be down the road when you are better. If not, God has other plans for you. Hang in there and keep us posted. Praying for you.

Thank you.

I have my boy now, have explained that we are staying at his 'aunties' for a while.
It is 6.25pm and I just want to go to bed and sleep.
Hours are twice as long as usual.

Going to grab some cuddles off my boy. This is hard (again). I hope God is in charge of this because I havent a clue.

Abbey,
If a wounded bird landed on your porch, I would strongly suspect you would bring it into your home, nurture,feed,love and calm the helpless,scared & vulnerable animal with all the love you have in you. Once the bird was strong & healed, you would let him go so he could live a free & fulfilling life. The bird who would have suffered if you hadn't nurtured the animal,is now strong,healthy & vibrant because of the care you selflessly provided.
~Do the same for yourself. Nurture, love & appreciate all of the qualities in you that I know would lead you to caring for anyone else that was hurting.