That was a beautiful post ctwc. I had a good day today too & am so grateful for it. I think my marriage was destined to fail from the very beginning as my husband was not a healthy communicator. His idea of communication was to either yell or snap at me or say "fine I won't talk about my frustrations/feelings at all!" My husband use to say "get over it!" or "perception is reality!" Ironically, the perception is reality comment was made to me several times despite the fact that he was having phone sex while I was at work & actively seeking an affair. He lied to me many times, even in the face of blatant absurdity for me to think otherwise then what was right in front of me. I don't think my husband is a bad person but one that probably won't take a deep look at himself, his behavior & how it affects others. I believe that once the whole fantasy of a happy & new relationship becomes commonplace & conflicts arise, he will continue on the same path. My husband use to call me "miss perfect & selfish," when he felt like he was being judged. In reality, I was desperately trying to connect with him emotionally & work on our marriage. I never lied, cheated or presented myself as anyone other then the person I was in combination with the values I thought we shared. When in crisis, I did everything I could to strengthen my marriage with faith & sincerity as my husband continued to live a secret life & treat me so insensitively. I know with every fiber of my being, that I didn't deserve this. I am a beautiful, kind, sweet & funny woman. I don't think my husband even recognized this or even knew me. I don't think you can truly ever have a deep emotional connection & commitment with someone in the face of repetitive dishonesty b/c "you think that is what they want to hear!" I would never have wanted that type of relationship for myself. I have also been through the wringer emotionally. I too, am also thankful that I found out about my husband's affairs & deception. By appearance, my husband had no intentions of working on our marriage. He took advantage of my vulnerability & more then likely would have continued to place me in harms way(via. risk of STD's). I do miss him, feel sad & such a sense of loss. These feelings have been tempered by just an absolute non-understanding of how my husband could violate me & his marriage vows with someone he once loved & spent 13 years with. I won't ever understand & it doesn't much matter. I suppose the fact that I can feel, cry, experience a sense of loss, emotional awareness & forgiveness makes me the lucky one.

Thank you Sue! I never really had a strong self esteem before all of this and this really brought it to an all time low. But, with counseling and my yoga classes I am building myself back up. This site has really helped me so much!! Just being able to read and respond to other women going through a similar situation has made a world of difference for me. I have family and friends and they try but, fortunately for them they have happy marriages. And you are so right about not understanding how he could just end our life together after 15 years is a mystery. And I am coming to the realization that I won't ever solve that mystery and that's OK and I will be OK. I look forward to the day when I am truly happy again. I wish that for all of us. And again thank you for your kind words it means more than you know!

I really like your post ctwc! I'm going to have to look up that Katy Perry song. Those lyrics really speak to me. I am so desperately hoping that the future holds a "rainbow" for me once this is all done, either with my husband or without. I hope we all find our own personal rainbows, whatever they might be. I will pray for that.

I am glad you like the lyrics. I absolutely the song because it is a nice change to the other sad love songs I find myself drawn to. I have to believe when one door closes another one opens. And trying not to be so afraid of the future and not knowing what my life will be like.

Here are the full lyrics to the song:

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting throught the wind
Wanting to start again

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards
One blow from caving in

Do you ever feel already buried deep
Six feet under scream
But no one seems to hear a thing

Do you know that there's still a chance for you
Cause there's a spark in you

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on let your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

You don't have to feel like a waste of space
You're original, cannot be replaced
If you only knew what the future holds
After a hurricane comes a rainbow

Maybe you're reason why all the doors are closed
So you can open one that leads you to the perfect road

Like a lightning bolt, your heart will blow
And when it's time, you'll know

You just gotta ignite the light
And let it shine
Just own the night
Like the Fourth of July

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on slet your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em fallin' down-own-own

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
It's always been inside of you, you, you
And now it's time to let it through

Cause baby you're a firework
Come on show 'em what your worth
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
As you shoot across the sky-y-y

Baby you're a firework
Come on slet your colors burst
Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh!"
You're gunna leave 'em goin "Oh, oh, oh!"

Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon
Boom, boom, boom
Even brighter than the moon, moon, moon

Most of the responds here say they same thing and i agree. We are never going to get any explanation that makes sense.
I wanted one also. What I got after the divorce was final was a letter from my ex listing everything he felt I did that was so bad in our marriage. Everything from miss managing the finances (right, we never spent a dime we didn't have, he was just ****** because there was never enough for HIM to do EVERYTHING he wanted), to not being hot for him EVERY minute of Every day while raising the kids, holding a job and taking care of the house. I was the one always making suggestions as to how we could perk things up. Anyway there was ALOT of other reasons he gave (in his words) to justify the divorce.

First off if things were so bad why would he have to JUSTIFY it. Secondly WHERE was his responsibility in making the marriage work.

When he tried to limit the amount of HIS income going to the household I had to keep moving money out of our savings to pay household expenses. When I finally said I was done he wanted me to help figure out a new budget that would still leave him with all the money he wanted to spend on himself. I said "FORGET it, you've felt like I've mismanaged it for years. You figure it out" ((this was within weeks of our split and at the time I did not know he had already talked to a lawyer about a divorce)).

I could have responded to every point in his EXPLANATION throwing the responsibility ( or lack off taking it) right back at him. Most of it would have been things I had said numerous times in our marriage (although I wouldn't be so nice about how I said it this time) or things I didn't DARE say during our marriage because I knew what his reaction would have been (not pretty is putting it mildly). I figured WHY BOTHER. It's to late to do OUR marriage any good and on the off chance that any of it FINALLY got through why should I help make his next relationship better.

Really want to know what his JUSTIFICATION will be for the next failed relationship. Seriously doubt another woman will put up with his BS as long as I did. How is he going to react when the next one says some of the same stuff I did? Will he EVER GET IT?%20void(0);

Anyway don't hold your breath waiting for an understandable explanation, and don't spend another second wondering what you could have done different. You gave it EVERYTHING you had and he couldn't see or appreciate it because he has no clue as to what the marriage vows truly mean. Sometimes I feel that people ignore the "For better or Worse" part.

Hang in there. Even though I'm waiting for it myself I know it will get better.

Angela I think we are in the same place, men tend to think they know what is best for all of us. The flea left for another woman too. He had affairs and I was always there to fix whatever went wrong after the affairs ended. I was there to be the faithful wife with kids and happy, no matter it wasn't that way. Now that he is living with big foot he comes and throws tantrums at my house because he can't get what he wants from.

With everything he has done to me, I thought he would take all his paper work and change everything. He has several life insurances and his health insurance and a lot of stuff that I did not know about. I am still the beneficiary of everything, he has not changed anything to any one. I am of course shocked and at an awwww. Why does this man still want me to be his beneficiary if he can't stand me? Why do still have bank accounts under both our names? He no longer wants to be with me, but apparently he doesn't want me out of his life either? I don't question things anymore. I just let him do what he wants. If anything should happen to him, at least I know my kids will be protected tomorrow. I see it that way. One thing I would say don't move stay close to your family and stay close to where you can have support. If you have access to his money look at it as you can actually take care of your kids without his input.

My attorney had it written into our divorce agreement that X amount of life insurance is to be kept to care for the children in the event of the death of one of us. So while my kids are technically the beneficiary, he would have power of attorney if they are minors. Don't know that I like that, but really does it matter? The money is for the benefit of the kids so he needs to have access to it. Jerk, on the other hand, will list his dad as power of attorney. Really? It's just an additional step everytime I would need something for your kids. Pain. But whatever...