It was good to read that you are attending a group for abused women. I sincerely hope you're finding it good for you and that you feel safe there and able to tell the truth of what you lived.
I just read an older post of yours where you said he tried to make you send him a list of what you wanted out of the divorce and I am so proud of you for resisting his intimidation attempt. You're right, that's what it was. Mr. Control wanted more and was willing to scare you into doing something you knew you didn't need to do. I'm very glad he didn't escalate it into violence.
You're absolutely right - it is the job of your attorneys to speak to each other about the divorce, you and your stbx (at least I hope it's soon) don't need to have those conversations. How smart you are to remember this in a time of stress.