Married for 36 years to a narcissist, verbal and physical ab user..Yes, knowledge is power.....read about it, get into counseling (they can really do a number on your mind)....They are excruciatingly insecure and cowardly....contrary to popular belief, narcissists don't love themselves, they HATE themselves, and take it out on others.

Nothing you can say or do affects them; they are only interested in their own feelings. Having a conversation with a narcissist is useless and painful.

I was married to one myself, a second marriage. I tell you, I thought I was the smartest person in the world when I chose him as the one to spend the balance of my life with.
What a hell of a trip that 13 year marriage was. When we were dating, I was treated like a Queen but that is probably because he was getting out of his first marriage and these type of people need someone to throw all their power on.

And then we married and the floors opened up and swallowed me up. He was so verbal abusive, did not support me or provide for me. I paid for half of everything, and even half the house in cash. I fixed my own car, paid insurance as well. All the time believing he was saving for our old age. And saved he did, but for himself, everything was in his name.

The jealousy that I had two married daughters and then grandchildren came, really upsetted him. Because it was time away from him. When my parents needed my help before they passed in 2006 and 2007, he made my life miserable. Silent treatments lasted months out of every year we were married. We never went on vacations. He lied, bragged, told stories. He never had one friend in the world.

He just wanted me, in his glass bubble and I couldn't even look at the mail when I came home from work first without him feeling slighted. So I finally got the courage to file for divorce. He remained in the house as we went thru the process for 18 months. It was hard. But he began seeing people. That broke my heart, because it was just "Next" as if I didn't matter at all.

The divorce was final in June of 2013. He left, I got my brother to buy his half of the house out. I am near my children now. And at first, the 8 months flew by, while I painted colors that I was not allowed to even think about. I worked hard to pay the bills, and enjoyed having friends over, whenever I wanted. It was heaven and there was no one in the house to hurt me anymore.

Then about two months ago, in my own neighborhood, going shopping for clothes, he was in the car next to me with a blonde next to him. My ego got hurt, and then when I recognized the woman from my neighborhood, I was devastated. We do not speak, he found someone to bring to his new house, with his new corvette, and she stays over for weekends. He found a woman, who has no children at 61. Never married, no children, which means no interference. He now has someone in his glass bubble that he always wanted and I feel bad for who ever she is. Right now, she thinks she hit the jackpot.

But in time, she will no pain, like no other. My ex is going to be 70 years old but acts like he is 35. The money he wouldn't support me with, he now spends on her. She brings two dogs to his home every weekend, and my ex got a dog himself. It must be fun....I am sure there will be a vacation this summer.

And then my honeymoon was over, as I saw how Bad people who do bad things to people, can just go on, and keep doing it, with no punishment, and with this state of mind, all of the pain, all that I went through, all the damage and scars came right to the surface. And right now I feel like I am only beginning to grieve, and feel the pain of all I went through.

Sometimes, a man tries to make casual conversation. I begin to feel panic attacks, I am bitter and can't seem to hold a nice conversation back. I stay in the house more, almost afraid to venture out in my neighborhood, because I fear that I might bang into them again. She literally is a 1/2 mile away. I can't let go of the angry, or the negative thoughts that I have about him. Can't seem to have a happy day in the last 8 weeks. had no idea that the damage was so deep. I thought I was fine, more than fine. And now I feel like we just broke up, like I just made the decision to divorce. What the heck is that?

His sister is dying of cancer. The only sibling he has ever spoken to and he has four more. He is so busy with his new life, that he has visited her once, in two months and that was for an hour. She needs help, and I love her very much. She was a good friend to me all the way. So twice a week, I drive 45 minutes for doctor appointments, chemo, to bring her supplies that she needs. And God allows this to happen. I don't get it. She is totally alone. And the angry grows more inside of me.

But then I remember that I was in the hospital four times, being married to him, and one time with Thyroid cancer. He never brought me, visited me, or took me home. He was busy with work, or mad at me and was giving me the silent treatment. I went to weddings by myself, my parents birthdays by myself. Now he spends holidays with someone else's family and pretends to love them, as he pretended with mine. It's all about them and their MO on what is in it for them. And right now, he found a blonde, a steady sex partner and the man will accept dogs in his home for days inorder to get it. And I was allowed friends to come over to HIS HOUSE WHICH I PAID HALF FOR.. Oh I could go on and on my friend.

I think it will take years to get over the betrayal and the lies and the damage. But I pray everyday, and I force that smile and sometimes, it actually works. I enjoyed Easter at my home, and it was lovely with family and grandchildren around. But it is a daily process.

You just have to dig deep inside. I wish you luck and I will be thinking about you.

Emily