Ellie,
Four months is still very fresh. If you had a super emotional divorce.. you need more time.!! The four guys you are dating are causing a problem. I also dated someone that I really wasn't into. That is a big mistake and it is not good for us. Our poor souls have been hurt. Transition relationships don't last and four at a time will be a total bummer.
If you move you take your life and experiences with you. I am sure Australia would be wonderful. Ask yourself if it wouldn't just be too much to handle. Selling your home, moving such a long distance away.
I think when women are hurting that is when they need friends. Mostly, women friends because we talk everything out. Do things that are fun.
You are lucky to have the freedom to make a decision like this. Many of us have kids and family members that we take care of, so we can't make such a bold move.
As I said earlier the men are not helping you at this point. When we are not ready to date - then men are just irritating :) If you don't feel chemistry...don't waste your time.
Sending you a hug ... hang in there.
Runner

Ellie,

Only you would know the right answers to your questions. As the other ladies mentioned here, you have the opportunity to start over in a new place, a clean fresh slate. But do it for the right reasons, for what makes YOU happy and fulfills the desires of your heart. Dont do it thinking that you can avoid the trauma of the divorce, because that will follow you wherever you go.

4 months after your divorce to start dating.....well we will never know if it is a good or bad time. I say have some fun, put yourself out there, but you need to be upfront with the guys and let them know your situation, in that way you dont set yourself up for disappointment either.

Ellie, I would make very sure you really want to make a move like that or else you will be burdened with another life changing event...please be careful to really consider all the ramifications of moving to a different country! Hugs... formally new day...

So, I know this is really stupid, but I was taken aback at y'all calling this dating. In my mind, that is not how I think about it at all. I am VERY VERY clear at the outset with any male with whom I socialize ... not looking for romance, a physical relationship, entanglements, drama, etc. I am in for dinner and drinks. Fun until it is not. That is why I have been taken aback that there are these purported declarations of love. Have I mentioned that I don't believe them? Not sure that I am ever going to ever believe that again ... for one thing, they don't even really know me. For another, how can you purport to love someone who is indifferent to you at least in any kind of romantic sense? I know this is a really icky thought, but I can't help but think, "I couldn't keep the love of my life happy and faithful, what chance do I have with these random strangers???" I know, ugh, ugh, ugh. The whole thing is frankly exhausting.

So apparently it turns out that I am accidentally dating. Note to self: stop that immediately!

Someone said that I can't bond with men ... I think that is really accurate. I feel no bond. No connection. I don't actually even see the possibility of a connection. Not interested. Sad, because all these guys are actually decent people with a lot going for them. Smart thing is to stop being lazy (more like apathetic) and actually cut them loose ... path of lesser resistance has been to agree to dinner rather than cause a scene or to deal with the drama of "I really don't think we should hang out anymore." I would be doing them and myself a favor I think. Oy! Has anyone else experienced this kind of apathy?

As to the fresh start on a new continent, I am scared (O.K. terrified) but if I get the job I would be an idiot to turn it down. It may not work out and I may go down in a ball of flames, but at least I will go down trying ...

So, here I am apathetic and terrified at the same time. Once upon a time I would have talked to my beloved husband about my fears ... Ain't post-divorce life grand? Ugh.

Ellie

Quickly....Know what Ellie? NO ONE can keep ANYone faithful. All of our behavior is a CHOICE. Don't ever blame yourself for someone else's behavior.

I hope you will take the time to heal....see a therapist, keep a journal, do things that make you happy. I have been on the dating scene for 10 years. I wouldn't think that many men of a certain age (50-60) would be that weird, ignorant...I haven't been able to find even ONE man I would like as a friend. Sad, but true.

xxxoo

Dont be so hard on yourself for finding love again or even being attracted to someone else. You have to accept that whoever you meet along the way, is not a repeat of the situation your ex put you into. It takes time to allow yourself to be attracted to anyone else other than the man you were so deeply in love with. The thing is he abused your trust and commitment, not all men are bad.....atleast we have to believe there are a few out there who are honest and sincere. A friend told me this the other day "We are good decent ladies, good intentions and values, we have to believe that amongst the wrong men that we have been exposed to, there are some good ones too, that do exist. There has to be a balance of good and bad"
Dont allow your ex to steal your happiness, you have love within you to share again, just allow yourself to find it.
I understand that you saying you not dating or have no emotional connection to these men, but you just pushing yourself away from the possibility of what could be, maybe not now but for the future].

Thank you all for your advice.

All true things. Yes, depressed. Yes, probably in need of therapy. Yes, probably running away. Yes, running away likely will not work. So basically the concensus is that I am indeed more or less losing my mind.

Terrific. Right?

Not sure what to do about any of that, so going back to putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward.

I really appreciate the virtual hugs and people hearing me out. None of this is easy.

Ellie

You know you have really really lost it when you do something so shocking and self destructive that it rocks your world.

I came back from Las Vegas on Monday night, and went into work yesterday with all of an hour of sleep. I was tired, sad and distressed. In my inbox was waiting the offer letter for the job in Australia. I have been so scared of it. If I take the job, that will sever the last connection to my ex husband. It will be a fundamental end in a way that the my shockingly fast divorce is not. So you know what I did? I wrote him an email with the news and asked whether he thought there was any going back to "us." I told him that I would give up my dream job for him.

I was the one who filed for divorce at lightening speed after I found out he cheated. I KNOW it can never work again ... that I can never, ever trust him again; but apparently, somewhere in my damaged soul I was holding out hope for an "us."

He gave me a pat answer about how he was sorry but was happy for me. You know what I did? I pressed him for a real answer, and got one. There is no us. He is moving to West Palm Beach for a job too and wants to find a way to be happy again. He told me to not look back.

I have been so vain. I really thought this man still loved me and that if I opened the door, he would come back to me. I don't even want that, but I needed to hear that he would. Ripped that wound open again.

So, so self indulgent and self destructive. Good lesson in humility though. This time I am not even giving myself permission to cry. Time to suck it up and get on with my life.

Ellie

Ellie, have you read A New Earth, by Eckhart Tolle? It is all about the ego and how it hurts us and affects our lives. Oprah had this author on when she still had her show and I tried to read it many yrs ago. I must say, I wasn't having one of her Ah-hah! moments. But now, when I wonder why I still ache when I think of my husband giving more to somebody else than he was giving to me and caring more about how that person felt than how I feel, I think it is just ego getting in the way. I think I would get more from that book if I tried again now to read it. I too, cannot forgive all he has done... Decisions he has made and character flaws that go way too deep and would make me have to turn my back on my own principles if I tried to forgive and forget. I can think of no other reason for my deep hurt except that I feel I wasn't good enough in some way, even though I recognize in my brain that he is messed up. The heart and the head are not in the same place. Hopefully, someday, they will be. It is the acceptance of the death of what we had hoped would be and all that was out of our control. The sadness that what they had with us was not worth more to them and that they placed more importance on their own selfish desires than on preserving what we thought was precious and sacred. That they would risk rather than nurture their marriage. That they did not forsake all others and value what they had. These are hard pills to swallow and the thought of their easiness of transitioning only adds to the deep hurt of how we felt so differently. I actually do not feel I will ever be over this. I may cope and develop a scar but it will always be there. It is because I really do love. He may have loved me but really, how well can a broken person really love?? I always knew he was the weak link in our relationship. Unfortunately he proved me right. Let us know what you decide about the job. I really fear it will just be another huge change that you will have to adjust to. I read a list of the most upsetting things that can happen to a person and moving and job change was in there with divorce and death and illness. Good luck Ellie.

Good Gracious Ellie, there's something in the air.

I just did something a lot like that. Why in the hell do I keep hurting myself with hope?

I'm having a difficult time staying away from self-medication with booze. So far I'm still aware that it helps not at all. But the pain!!!!

(insert swear word here) Time to go back to counseling. (*$%#)

Blueski,

I know. Right??? Insert lots and lots of swear words. I am so mightily sick of the whole thing. I hear you on the self medication. I have got to get my act straight on that too. It doesn't help ... still sad and depressed with the same **** problems, but now I wake up tired and with a headache too. You go back to therapy. I am going back to yoga and meditation. Fingers crossed for progress for both of us.

$*%#!!!!!!

Hugs,
Ellie

Dear Ellie,

Let's see --

You're right, it's hard to believe these guys love you. We can't know if they think they mean it or if they're just saying it because they think it will help them more further along in the relationship (read sex).

But you do know that they mean little to nothing to you. Maybe they started out as a way to keep yourself out of the house, to keep you occupied in your free time, to have that little bit of "Well this person finds me attractive, so there!" but what often follows that is "well this person finds me attractive so what's wrong with me that my ex doesn't feel that way?" That's throwing yourself down the stairs thinking. That's let me go to bed and pull the covers over my head thinking. We've all been there. Some of us stay there for a long time.

Was counseling annoying because you were hearing things you didn't like to hear? Because the approach was stupid? Did you expect Dr. Phil with his quotable quotes and folksy talk? Or was it that there was no connection and you did not feel heard? Time to find a different one. Yes, it sucks to go from person to person to look for someone that you can work with but it still might be for you. Or perhaps not.

Widows are told to not make any major life decision for at least a year after their spouse's death. So are divorced people. You popping off to AU does sound like you're running, running, running and trying to get away from the pain you're feeling. You're throwing this move at the pain, hoping it'll help it move on and go away.

And while intellectually you know that feeling pain now is normal, it's easy to say and horrible to live. Thus it's simple to understand the wish to get away.

Moving may make it easier for you on SOME days. Few reminders of your ex in your surroundings, but they will still be in your brain. will moving thousands of miles away from your current physical location actually help? No one can know. But you'll be isolated. Do you any type of good support system where you are now (family, friends)?

Many of the things you said lead me to think you're depressed. And in a pretty good (bad) way. So no. You're not losing your mind. However, the balance of the chemicals that run your brain is out of whack.

Thank you for trusting us with your words. Hugs - multiples of them!

For me that would be simple fix. Calm your emotions first. MOVE. Period. Don't let any of them know where you are heading or why. Don't leave a trail. If you are able to do it quickly, better yet. I sure wouldn't be pressured by any man. Personally, I am single, happy, financially ok without the ring on my finger. No stress, no toilet seat up, no dirty underwear on the floor. :) Just my advice. Give it some thought. You can always start over wherever you end up. I always say 'you get a little bit smarter the older you get'. :) Take care.

Dear Had Enough:

Thank you for that! I really really need to get smarter. I am amazed that for an intelligent woman I have and continue to do such dumb things. I am terrified, but a new beginning sounds irresistable. Maybe it won't work out; maybe it will be a disaster; but what is life without risk???? Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

I have stopped the accidental dating cold turkey. I don't need that in my life. Gonna work on healing and trying to focus on me.

Thanks
Ellie