Thank you all for your advice.

All true things. Yes, depressed. Yes, probably in need of therapy. Yes, probably running away. Yes, running away likely will not work. So basically the concensus is that I am indeed more or less losing my mind.

Terrific. Right?

Not sure what to do about any of that, so going back to putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward.

I really appreciate the virtual hugs and people hearing me out. None of this is easy.

Ellie

You know you have really really lost it when you do something so shocking and self destructive that it rocks your world.

I came back from Las Vegas on Monday night, and went into work yesterday with all of an hour of sleep. I was tired, sad and distressed. In my inbox was waiting the offer letter for the job in Australia. I have been so scared of it. If I take the job, that will sever the last connection to my ex husband. It will be a fundamental end in a way that the my shockingly fast divorce is not. So you know what I did? I wrote him an email with the news and asked whether he thought there was any going back to "us." I told him that I would give up my dream job for him.

I was the one who filed for divorce at lightening speed after I found out he cheated. I KNOW it can never work again ... that I can never, ever trust him again; but apparently, somewhere in my damaged soul I was holding out hope for an "us."

He gave me a pat answer about how he was sorry but was happy for me. You know what I did? I pressed him for a real answer, and got one. There is no us. He is moving to West Palm Beach for a job too and wants to find a way to be happy again. He told me to not look back.

I have been so vain. I really thought this man still loved me and that if I opened the door, he would come back to me. I don't even want that, but I needed to hear that he would. Ripped that wound open again.

So, so self indulgent and self destructive. Good lesson in humility though. This time I am not even giving myself permission to cry. Time to suck it up and get on with my life.

Ellie

Ellie, have you read A New Earth, by Eckhart Tolle? It is all about the ego and how it hurts us and affects our lives. Oprah had this author on when she still had her show and I tried to read it many yrs ago. I must say, I wasn't having one of her Ah-hah! moments. But now, when I wonder why I still ache when I think of my husband giving more to somebody else than he was giving to me and caring more about how that person felt than how I feel, I think it is just ego getting in the way. I think I would get more from that book if I tried again now to read it. I too, cannot forgive all he has done... Decisions he has made and character flaws that go way too deep and would make me have to turn my back on my own principles if I tried to forgive and forget. I can think of no other reason for my deep hurt except that I feel I wasn't good enough in some way, even though I recognize in my brain that he is messed up. The heart and the head are not in the same place. Hopefully, someday, they will be. It is the acceptance of the death of what we had hoped would be and all that was out of our control. The sadness that what they had with us was not worth more to them and that they placed more importance on their own selfish desires than on preserving what we thought was precious and sacred. That they would risk rather than nurture their marriage. That they did not forsake all others and value what they had. These are hard pills to swallow and the thought of their easiness of transitioning only adds to the deep hurt of how we felt so differently. I actually do not feel I will ever be over this. I may cope and develop a scar but it will always be there. It is because I really do love. He may have loved me but really, how well can a broken person really love?? I always knew he was the weak link in our relationship. Unfortunately he proved me right. Let us know what you decide about the job. I really fear it will just be another huge change that you will have to adjust to. I read a list of the most upsetting things that can happen to a person and moving and job change was in there with divorce and death and illness. Good luck Ellie.

Good Gracious Ellie, there's something in the air.

I just did something a lot like that. Why in the hell do I keep hurting myself with hope?

I'm having a difficult time staying away from self-medication with booze. So far I'm still aware that it helps not at all. But the pain!!!!

(insert swear word here) Time to go back to counseling. (*$%#)

Blueski,

I know. Right??? Insert lots and lots of swear words. I am so mightily sick of the whole thing. I hear you on the self medication. I have got to get my act straight on that too. It doesn't help ... still sad and depressed with the same **** problems, but now I wake up tired and with a headache too. You go back to therapy. I am going back to yoga and meditation. Fingers crossed for progress for both of us.

$*%#!!!!!!

Hugs,
Ellie

Dear Ellie,

Let's see --

You're right, it's hard to believe these guys love you. We can't know if they think they mean it or if they're just saying it because they think it will help them more further along in the relationship (read sex).

But you do know that they mean little to nothing to you. Maybe they started out as a way to keep yourself out of the house, to keep you occupied in your free time, to have that little bit of "Well this person finds me attractive, so there!" but what often follows that is "well this person finds me attractive so what's wrong with me that my ex doesn't feel that way?" That's throwing yourself down the stairs thinking. That's let me go to bed and pull the covers over my head thinking. We've all been there. Some of us stay there for a long time.

Was counseling annoying because you were hearing things you didn't like to hear? Because the approach was stupid? Did you expect Dr. Phil with his quotable quotes and folksy talk? Or was it that there was no connection and you did not feel heard? Time to find a different one. Yes, it sucks to go from person to person to look for someone that you can work with but it still might be for you. Or perhaps not.

Widows are told to not make any major life decision for at least a year after their spouse's death. So are divorced people. You popping off to AU does sound like you're running, running, running and trying to get away from the pain you're feeling. You're throwing this move at the pain, hoping it'll help it move on and go away.

And while intellectually you know that feeling pain now is normal, it's easy to say and horrible to live. Thus it's simple to understand the wish to get away.

Moving may make it easier for you on SOME days. Few reminders of your ex in your surroundings, but they will still be in your brain. will moving thousands of miles away from your current physical location actually help? No one can know. But you'll be isolated. Do you any type of good support system where you are now (family, friends)?

Many of the things you said lead me to think you're depressed. And in a pretty good (bad) way. So no. You're not losing your mind. However, the balance of the chemicals that run your brain is out of whack.

Thank you for trusting us with your words. Hugs - multiples of them!

For me that would be simple fix. Calm your emotions first. MOVE. Period. Don't let any of them know where you are heading or why. Don't leave a trail. If you are able to do it quickly, better yet. I sure wouldn't be pressured by any man. Personally, I am single, happy, financially ok without the ring on my finger. No stress, no toilet seat up, no dirty underwear on the floor. :) Just my advice. Give it some thought. You can always start over wherever you end up. I always say 'you get a little bit smarter the older you get'. :) Take care.

Dear Had Enough:

Thank you for that! I really really need to get smarter. I am amazed that for an intelligent woman I have and continue to do such dumb things. I am terrified, but a new beginning sounds irresistable. Maybe it won't work out; maybe it will be a disaster; but what is life without risk???? Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

I have stopped the accidental dating cold turkey. I don't need that in my life. Gonna work on healing and trying to focus on me.

Thanks
Ellie