So, while out with my husband of 15 years this weekend, I asked to use his phone because mine was dead. It had a password on it. WTF never had it on there before. I overlooked that and used his phone and then was on it when he received a text from another woman...yes I know her, but it was not a friendly hi how are you. I didn't approve, but I again overlooked it because I have a tendency to over react.

After lying awake for hours trying to figure out the text, the password, etc., curiosity got the best of me. I SNOOPED. You wouldn't believe the messages that were going on between these 2, dirty sexual messages. I flipped, woke him up screaming, he told me it was for entertainment, that nothing happened between them except the messages. He was more mad at me for snooping than anything.

He broke the phone, the computer, the IPAD, so I cant snoop anymore. It was a horrible night the yelling the screaming the fighting. We haven't spoken since...I am so hurt and feel like he cheated on me-doesn't matter if it wasn't a sex act... am I wrong? Any suggestions on how to deal with this would be greatly appreciated.

So sorry you are going through this. The fact that he broke the phone, computer and iPad so you could not snoop anymore indicates that there was stuff on there to hide. Even if it is emotional cheating now, it is only a matter of time that it will get to physical cheating. I would suggest couples therapy, but if he continues to deny and lie about his actions, no amount of therapy will help. Start thinking about protecting yourself emotionally, financially and physically - in case you decide you want to leave.

Sorry you're hurting so much. There are a lot of us on here who have gone through something similar, so you're in the right place for venting and advice.

He's having an affair...and trying to minimize the damage by lying.

Sexual text messages mean more than just having fun.

Who knows what he is telling the other women....probably stringing her along too

That is inappropriate behavior. I wonder how he would feel if he saw messages on your phone like that with another man? My husband claims to not be able to imagine how the things he does to me would feel if I did them to him. He thinks that befriending a woman and doing everything for her while he completely ignored me and removed himself from my life should not have been connected in my mind. He thinks they are separate issues. He cant fathom emotional betrayal. He thinks asking woman out for drinks and dinners and breakfasts, and motorcycle and boat rides is ok while I sit home, totally ignored by him. My husband has broken the phone, tv, computer...hid my car, taken the house phones out...all because I don't like what he has done to our marriage. He doesn't think he is wrong, but that is his issue. I am not responsible for his warped thinking. I hope you can get him to see that this is not something that is part of a normal marriage. If he doesn't think he is doing anything wrong, like my husband, then he will continue to do it. If you can't live with that, like I can',t with secrets, lies and deceptions...with abuse both emotional and physical, with secret email accounts and passwords...the list goes on and on...then I hope you have the strength and courage to do whatever you feel you need to do so you don't feel like you are betraying yourself by staying in a situation where you are not respected as his wife and all that encompasses. He should care about how he is making you feel and consider your feeling. His loyalty should be to you. You should matter and intimacy should be only between the two of you. If he is sharing that with somebody else, in my book, that is betrayal. Good luck.

PS...I had to add that if you know that woman, I'd have a talk with her!

If you talk to the woman he is cheating with, tell her that he has a sexually transmitted disease, and that is why you haven't had sex with him in a looong time.

I know this situation is serious, but that ought to make her think.

P.S. If he doesn't think he did anything wrong, get into counseling for yourself.

I don't know why my last post didn't go through- so
Ill repeat that I had a horrible day. I am over being angry and am now crushed, hurt, crying...trying to hold it together for my kids.
I printed our phone bill and showed him all the calls and texts and told him he cheated. HE says he didn't cheat. I blocked her #(wonder how long before he figures it out) I talked to her and she agrees they crossed the line and that she is done with it. She apologized...I think shes a little scared of me...and said she would not talk to him...that helps but I still feel so hurt and so stupid over this. I have no words for how I feel right now...

I think one word would be betrayal. You have no reason to feel "stupid."

I wouldn't believe HIM or HER, but I would talk to him about counseling; if he won't go, go for yourself.

xxo

So sorry this is happening to you. I know you feel like your world is unraveling.

I don't understand why they feel they have to lie, lie, lie even when caught. It doesn't fix anything or change anything.

Cheating is cheating. He has betrayed the trust of your marriage even if there is no sex.

You have to get a grip on yourself now and decide what you want to do. Even if you think you want to work things out, starting planning for the worse. Financial, emotional and physical security are top priorities for you and your kids.

so sorry.

Ellie

As my marriage councilor said, anytime you are sharing intimacy with someone else other than your spouse, or withholding and giving to someone else, it is CHEATING! My husband didn't like hearing it and didn't think it applied to him. That is why we are getting divorced. I can't tolerate behavior like that. I would just be inviting more and more hurt into my life. There are boundaries that cannot be crossed in a marriage and I'll say it again, if he thinks what he did is ok...you will be hurt again. You can't be sorry, remorseful or do the work to change a behavior and rectify what is wrong if you don't think you are! Sorry...this is a real sore spot for me and I feel for you deeply.

I needed the perfect words (to say to him) to make him realize what he did was wrong. Thank you this helped a lot.

Unraveled is definitely a good word to sum up how I feel.

Good luck KT. Please let us know how you are. Hopefully, you can get through to him.

You unfortunately won't be able to make him realize anything or do anything. He is who he is and what he is. The more you try to change that, the worse the hurt and disappointment. Please focus on yourself.

We know what you are going through. Differet stories, but most of us have been in very similar situations. The pain is so unimaginable. The fear is paralyzing. The sick feeling in your stomach will not go away. It is so so unreal. You can't believe it is happening to you.

The only thing to do now is put one foot in front of the other. You have to start actively thinking about taking care of yourself.

Thinking about you.

Ellie

You summed up my feeling exactly Ellie...I have never felt this kind of hurt inside before. Still haven't spoke since Sunday. I/We are eventually going to have to talk to each other, I come home he leaves and vice versa. Kids are already asking questions...I still don't know what lies ahead, but I have a feeling it wont be good.

The sad truth is....he is cheating, and with someone you know. And he compounded it, by breaking your possessions and he will not pay for them to be replaced, so that you can't catch him anymore.... But he is cheating. He can double talk, and he will, he can make excuses, and he will, and he will get smarter on ways to be deceiving you, BUT HE IS CHEATING. Do not doubt that. Do not second guess your instincts....

The pain, is beyond anything you ever felt. We have all been there and it takes a very long time, to get over it. I've been divorced since June 2013 and only in February 2014, did I come to realize that the woman who he was driving in his car in 2012, is infact the same woman he is seeing now that we are divorced and lives with him on weekends. This woman is blocks away from me. Did I know it then. No? I had an abundance of other issues with him. Like him lying, controlling, hiding money, him not wanting to put a thing in my name....Silent treatments that lasted months out of a year. I couldn't take THAT and so I finally got the courage to file for divorce.

I was civil during the 18 month divorce, for he lived with me right to the day it was final. No he didn't do this, because he wanted to save our marriage, ....he did this because he wanted to save more money....and he did. He didn't go out....at night. He had no friends, never went to a bar.....Did not have a clue that ontop of everything else, he meant number #3.....

Even though I was divorced, the knowledge that I was played for a fool and didn't even know it, during those years, set me bak alittle. My ego was smashed. Breaking up the home and giving him anything he wanted to make his transition easier, is what I did. And all the while he was planning his new life with someone that was blocks away from me.

It's over, and at 70 years old, the man has a third chance of wining and dining and dancing. Good luck to the New Fool, I feel sorry for her.

But the truth was, had I listened to my instinct when I saw them driving in a car, on a Saturday morning, as I was going to my grandson's soccer game, I would have known all along and probably not have been so nice through the divorce proceedings.

A woman is hardly ever wrong on these feelings. So go with it, and agree that it is a fact and based on that......PROTECT YOURSELF, LISTEN TO NO MORE BALONEY,....AND SPEAK TO A LAWYER. FIND OUT EVERY ASSET YOU HAVE ACCUMULATED DURING YOUR MARRIAGE, IF YOU DON'T WORK, GET A JOB, IF YOU HAVE MONEY IN THE BANK, UNDER BOTH YOUR NAMES....CLOSE IT....AND THEN BE READY FOR AN EMOTIONAL RIDE THAT YOU NEVER EXPERIENCED BEFORE. BUT IN TIME, MONTHS OR YEARS, THIS PAIN WILL LEAVE YOU....KEEP IN MIND THAT WE HAVE ALL SURVIVED THIS SCENARIO. WE ARE ALIVE TO TALK ABOUT IT.

WE ARE HERE, YOU CAN VENT, WE WILL LISTEN. GOOD LUCK TO YOU.

Thank you Emily...

I am sooo sorry to hear you went through this hell with your husband. I've been there. Very similar. My best advice is get to the doctors office and get checked for STD's. If something shows up, get it treated asap, and then you will have your answers to all your questions. Take care of yourself first, then try to work things out one way or another. Again, I'm sorry for your pain. I've felt it too.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through, I went through a similar situation, my husband flaunted his special friendship by sitting in bed next to me texting her,telling me how compatible they were, but at the same time they were just friends that God brought her into his life and took his love for me away, all this after 25yrs of marriage and 4 kids. He was in complete denial that he was doing anything wrong and actually tried to blame me by saying that I was just being jealous and childish. We are now in the final stages of our Divorce. I'm still working on getting past the emotional abuse that I took from him.

You can and will get through this and I wish you happiness and peace. Remember you are not alone. sending you (((hugs)))
Cheryl

CD, Hearing that just turns my stomach. I thought I was the only one with a husband who made a friend more important in his life than his wife. He tried to make me feel like I was looking at it all wrong! When I begged him to stop his involvement with this woman "friend" because he was hurting me, he told me he couldn't do that to her!!! It still stabs my heart when I think of those words. He had told me another time that he was drawn to her. These are men who want to have their cake and eat it too. I am getting divorced as well. I may love him but I cannot allow someone to treat me like that. I deserve better and I could never forgive someone who doesn't think that what they are doing is wrong and who won't change their behavior. He has zero respect for me and I'm done....

I'm Done...thank you, for the longest time I thought I was the only one going through this hell, I felt so humiliated and crushed that the man I loved and devoted my life to - could turn on me like he did....the hardest part for me has been being able to talk to someone that understands the pain, my family and friends all try to understand but nothing like this has happened to them, I'm so glad I found this page.

sending love and hugs to everyone here

Cheryl

I thought I was alone...we still haven't spoke about what transpired Saturday night, the wound too fresh...I have had it out with her on the phone she swears they are done and apologizes up and down but that doesn't make it any better, she actually asked me to meet for a drink- I said NO. I might do something Ill really regret later.

I don't understand how the intimate conversations they had via online (I HATE FACEBOOK ND SOCIAL MEDIA) was just joking around, no it was emotional cheating it was a cyber affair as far as I am concerned. Even SHE agrees with me...they both say it was only on the computer nothing else...I don't know. I want to tell her husband because she should hurt as much as I do right now...you want to bring down my house, I want to bring down yours-

My heart aches everyday that we don't talk about it but I guess that is all the proof I need, I asked him to see someone with me- he said maybe so that's the mixed messages. I saw someone yesterday, felt good to talk to someone who doesn't know either o us that has no side...surviving that's all.

Thanks

Dear I'm Done(wish you would quit changing your "names" .... it is starting to confuse me :))

You sound so much more in command and sure of yourself. It is lovely to see you progress even though you probably don't really feel like you are making any.

Hugs,
Ellie

Ellie, my husband found this site. That is why I changed my name but I actually don't care if he sees. He confronted me about something I wrote about where I somewhat quoted a text he sent wishing me a happy birthday and added more exclamations then what he actually put! He was upset that I misrepresented him! LOL! THAT'S what upsets him????? He threatened to kill me saying I was more trouble than I was worth! If extra exclamations made him that mad, how does he think I feel after all he has done to me???? Although I love the good side of him, I will never allow him to treat me badly again. I can never forget the fear and terror he puts me through. All I see is the look on his face when he is raging and hurting me. Nope...never again. That hurts more than the thought of living without him. The part of him that I love isn't around often enough and he too easily switches to his monster side. He can never rebuild the trust he has shattered into a billion pieces. Ellie are you taking the job?? Let us know! It sounds like you will.

CD, I think my husband gets to feel like a night in shining armor to his "friend". I am sure she is extremely grateful for all he does for her as her husband died shortly before my husband swooped in to rescue her. And after all this adoration, he doesn't have to be accountable to her! What a deal!!!

KT, I spoke to my husbands friend too. They both say they are just friends and by the looks of her, its probably true, but who knows...he had an affair 18 yrs ago with a woman who looked like an ugly hillbilly so anything is possible I guess. She seemed shocked that I was upset! I asked her, considering how the majority of time she was with my husband, how did she think this was ok with me? She said she never considered it!!! WOW! I asked "even when you went away for 2 weeks to Key West with my husband???? And went for 2 months when your RV was supposedly getting fixed or watching tv every night till midnight???" She is either brain dead or brainwashed or heartless and selfish! My talk did no good! So much for a church going woman! After forgiving my husband for more things than I can count over my nearly 41 yr marriage, this is the thanks I get. Talk about feeling rejected and unwanted...I get written off and its not even for sex although I know he did cheat during this 4 1/2 yrs of 98% silence. That is why I won't even try to forgive him anymore. He will never change. Hugs to all of you.

I'm glad you said it because I was thinking the same thing- WHAT does she have that I don't? I am (not to blow my own horn) way better looking than her. I work out, run, got curves. LOL compared to her, well I am better that's all I am going to say.

I always try to look good for my man... Makes me feel good when he talks about it or shows me off. I used to be heavier and struggled with weight but in last 4 years have worked really hard to feel good about myself again physically- pointless I guess-should've stayed fat and lazy, lol.

I am tired of feeling so heavy hearted...it is the worst feeling in the world and I am tired of hiding it from everyone. Keeping up the pretty face isn't easy. I don't want my friends to gossip about me and I don't want my family to feel ill will towards him, so I feel so alone and appreciate the communication amongst all of you. Thank you.

Yes KT...it feels like when you just found out someone you love died. In a way they did. It is the death of what you thought of them and the death of your life as you knew it. Its an awful way to feel everyday. Just awful...

The initial pain is the hardest as well as the embarrassment to your friends and family, no matter what don't give up on yourself, I know this is easier said than done, but having walked the same path you are I've learned the hard way not to do it, I too contacted this woman who claimed that she was innocent and that God knew the truth, my husband watched me deteriorate emotionally played head games with me taunting me to the point that I tried to end my own life then he presented himself as the innocent victim in front of the doctors and therapists, when I saw the coldness in his eyes towards me that was like a knife piercing my heart, I thought my whole world was crashing down around me and that I was all alone, I tried so hard to change myself to make him happy I was making myself crazy trying to figure out what was wrong with me and forcing myself to accept what he was doing, but you know what you are not alone, and those who truly love you will always be at your side no matter what, hold your head up and don't lose yourself, life is too short, the decisions that you will be faced with will be the hardest ones of your life, but you will get through it and will be happier, whether or not you stay together and work through this or you both go your own way, stay true to yourself

Yes CD, that coldness in his eyes. That feeling of disbelief that he isn't going to protect you and put your feelings above all others. That he is not even considering you and how you feel. Who wants to talk someone into that...into caring the way they should?? I felt that I was twisting his arm to understand how he was making me feel. But he didn't understand and he didn't care. If he did, he would have stopped. Even the marriage counselor that we saw 3 times together, told me in a private session that he comes in all congenial and then just sits there emotionless while I cried my eyes out. He told him his actions were betrayal and still he just sat there. My family does not know. I can't bare to tell them. My kids are the only ones and thank goodness they are so supportive and want me to be happy. They grew up experiencing his anger, so they know all too well. They love him and they should, but they are grown and don't have to live it anymore. I don't think there is something wrong with me that made him like this because he was like this since we were kids. My mistake was thinking if I loved him enough that I could make him stop needing to be disproportionally angry at so many things. The cheating was his own selfishness and entitled attitude. I did not foresee that. I never thought he would consciously destroy our marriage. This was a choice, not a mistake. God knows after 4 1/2 yrs of ignoring me and leading a life without me, he cant say "ooops, it was a mistake!" There is too much water under the bridge at this point and trust, which is the bases of any marriage is shattered beyond repair.

Well another weekend on the emotional roller coaster...he admitted what he did was wrong, but swears it wasn't cheating. Agreed to counseling and says wants to work it out but needs space because me snooping hurt him too...double standard. You know if the tables were turned he'd be beating some guy up and would have cared less about the snooping aspect. We have our first counseling session next Weds.

Again I don't know where it is going to go...but I'll try. Thanks again ladies for all your stories and support.

The majority of men think sex is cheating. They have no clue about emotional betrayal. I've been trying to make my husband understand that for 4 1/2 yrs and so have therapists. None of it sunk in. At least your husband seems willing to try. Good luck.

I am looking forward to Weds counseling session. After another roller coaster ride of a weekend, maybe I am reading too much into it.

But we were at a fundraiser (that I chaired), together, keeping up appearances (for me mostly), and he was an ASS to people...actually told one friend that I accused him of having an affair. Well you know that spread like wildfire during the coarse of the night. A large number of people know now and when I tried to tell my side of the story everyone was already so against him. That's exactly what I didn't want to happen, but he did it to himself. Then decided to leave the fundraiser (good) and went home. He just had that I don't care persona around him. I was miserable the rest of the night.

I then of coarse called the other woman to tell her yet again that I hated her and that she played a huge role in ruining my night and something that I worked very hard on. Again, reliving the horrid ordeal all over again...threatened her said I was going to go to her husband that it is no fair that I am the only one living this way.

Then Sunday came along- got a mothers day breakfast, a nice day working in the yard together and dinner with the family...nice as pie, I just don't freaking get it. URGH!

sooooo ... I know you really don't want to hear this. And take this from someone who actually was cheated on for two years: we actually have no standing to hate the other woman.

She doesn't owe us a a thing. She didn't say for richer and poorer, in sickeness and health, til death do us part. He did. The other women are not sorcerers. If he was loyal, he wouldn't stray either sexually or otherwise.

The woman my beloved cheated with happens to be 7 times married piece of garbage who has abandoned all three of her children from three different men. I don't have to like her, but hating her is a misdirection of my emotions and does me no good.

So I am sharing this because arriving at that actually helped me.

You know the other thing that helped me? Owning my piece of it. I will post separately on that soon as it was really, really fundamental.

Try to stay even keeled. If you are going to try to make the marriage work, you need to stabalize your emotions. If it doesn't work, you need your strength.

Ellie

I understand what you are saying but don't forget I know her, she knows me as his wife, she has a husband, the 4 of us were friends. She said those vows to someone else.

I know blaming her doesn't make it any easier and doesn't accomplish anything.

She disrespected you and the sanctity of your marriage even if the majority of the blame is on your husband. Especially since you were all friends! My father married my mothers best friend! It happens.... Don't think you are reading too much into it. That kind of tinkering around with another woman is WRONG! You may forgive him in time but if he doesn't believe he did anything wrong, it will happen again.

Definitely didn't mean to imply that HER role is not wrong. It most assuredly is. Did I mention the 7 times married piece of trash with the fake breasts??? I despise that woman. Have zero respect for her, and if she were to get run over by a large double decker bus (I guess she would have to be in London for that :)) I wouldn't exactly weep.

All I am saying is that the betrayal is HIS to own. Being angry at her for that seems to be a bit of an absolution for HIM. We all have to own our piece in this ...

KT isn't even at the healing piece, but isn't the healing process grand?? Ugh.

Ellie

I will always be angry with her- I will always blame her, by her own admission she led him on, he gave her the attention her husband did not- even if it was just over the phone or thru technology.

He in return fed into it...they both are to blame and they both need to suffer for it not me!

I am taking it a day at a time, we are slowly starting to speak civilly to each other, that's a start, and tonight is our first counseling session- lets see where that goes.

First session was pretty interesting- ended in a hug...just a day at a time though. Doesn't make everything all better.

But found out that her husband does know- that he was bothered for a minute and moved on doesn't want to dwell on it- they didn't have sex, so not a big deal. That I need to get a grip and move on.

So I am pretty much the only one that is bothered by their explicit messages and cant get the visions of what could've happened out of my head. I am the only one that hurts, that is crushed and devastated by the scenario and thinks it is wrong. Really- was told not to dwell on it by her husband. WTF, this is the worst roller coaster I have been on and I want to get off!

what was the therapists input? I hope your husband didn't walk away thinking he didn't do anything wrong! Just cause her husband wants to stick his head in the sand doesn't mean you have to! It was inappropriate and I don't think your husband would have enjoyed finding out that you were doing what he did! You feel how you feel and he should respect that and put how you feel first! When husbands or wives stop considering how their spouse would feel about something they are going to say or do, trouble is just around the corner! I am sure your husband knows you well enough to know you would not be ok with his choice. That is really the bigger picture, I feel....

Well it was obvious in a matter of 15 minutes that our communication is gone...it was actually nice to talk to my husband again and not yell at each other or sit and listen. Sucks that it got to this point. Glad some things were shared and brought into light that I was not aware of.

We are making an effort to talk more- still a day at a time right now. A ****ty situation that the others couples marriage sucks and my husband got sucked into their drama by trying to be her hero and give her the attention that her husband didn't. Doesn't make it any easier or the hurt any less, but I see the reason and how it happened, what lead to it etc. and that at least making it so that I can process it.

He is not forgiven...she will never be forgiven I don't think...and I am doing for me right now.

That reminds me of what happened with my parents. They were close friends with a couple who were having marital problems. My parents used to each be on a phone in the house talking to both of them to try to help but they divorced. The man worked with my father and my mother considered the woman her best friend. Not long after that, my parents got divorced and he married the woman friend...hummmmm....

Yeah that thought has crossed my mind too- That no matter how hard I try it may not work out. That the deeper we go into counseling I may not want it to or vice versa.

However, I am lead to believe that they (the other couple) do this all the time to other people. Basically they latch on to a couple,(cross the line with one spouse or the other)and almost get their kicks off of screwing up other peoples marriages. And they live on to do it again. Some people are sick and twisted.

I continually ask how and why we got to this point- what happened over the years to make things get to this point, especially since I always thought we had it pretty good. Those are the things that I am having the hardest time with right now...

You are right. Why did he get sucked in? Why was his oath to you not foremost on his mind? You can't protect a diabetic from all the sweets in the world. That is why trust is the corner stone to any good marriage. I hope you can work it out. I believe you can if your husband realizes he did something wrong and is sorry and changes his behavior. My husband didn't do any of that and that's why my marriage is ending. I feel I will die of a broken heart some days...I actually have put baby aspirin in my bag thinking my heart is gonna give out from all the stress.

Hello, I am sorry this is happening to you. I know exactly what it feels like to be betrayed as I lived in a deceitful marriage for 29 years. Always wondering why some things never added up. Came to the realization after too many years that it wasn't that I wasn't being tolerant enough, that it was him. He was a narcissistic, homosexual jerk.

As far as your situation is concerned. I would try marriage counseling and if he works really hard at gaining your trust again then, forgive and move forward. But, if this is just a can of worms that you just opened. I wouldn't waste my time, energy and health on someone who broke your trust.