I am looking forward to Weds counseling session. After another roller coaster ride of a weekend, maybe I am reading too much into it.

But we were at a fundraiser (that I chaired), together, keeping up appearances (for me mostly), and he was an ASS to people...actually told one friend that I accused him of having an affair. Well you know that spread like wildfire during the coarse of the night. A large number of people know now and when I tried to tell my side of the story everyone was already so against him. That's exactly what I didn't want to happen, but he did it to himself. Then decided to leave the fundraiser (good) and went home. He just had that I don't care persona around him. I was miserable the rest of the night.

I then of coarse called the other woman to tell her yet again that I hated her and that she played a huge role in ruining my night and something that I worked very hard on. Again, reliving the horrid ordeal all over again...threatened her said I was going to go to her husband that it is no fair that I am the only one living this way.

Then Sunday came along- got a mothers day breakfast, a nice day working in the yard together and dinner with the family...nice as pie, I just don't freaking get it. URGH!

sooooo ... I know you really don't want to hear this. And take this from someone who actually was cheated on for two years: we actually have no standing to hate the other woman.

She doesn't owe us a a thing. She didn't say for richer and poorer, in sickeness and health, til death do us part. He did. The other women are not sorcerers. If he was loyal, he wouldn't stray either sexually or otherwise.

The woman my beloved cheated with happens to be 7 times married piece of garbage who has abandoned all three of her children from three different men. I don't have to like her, but hating her is a misdirection of my emotions and does me no good.

So I am sharing this because arriving at that actually helped me.

You know the other thing that helped me? Owning my piece of it. I will post separately on that soon as it was really, really fundamental.

Try to stay even keeled. If you are going to try to make the marriage work, you need to stabalize your emotions. If it doesn't work, you need your strength.

Ellie

I understand what you are saying but don't forget I know her, she knows me as his wife, she has a husband, the 4 of us were friends. She said those vows to someone else.

I know blaming her doesn't make it any easier and doesn't accomplish anything.

She disrespected you and the sanctity of your marriage even if the majority of the blame is on your husband. Especially since you were all friends! My father married my mothers best friend! It happens.... Don't think you are reading too much into it. That kind of tinkering around with another woman is WRONG! You may forgive him in time but if he doesn't believe he did anything wrong, it will happen again.

Definitely didn't mean to imply that HER role is not wrong. It most assuredly is. Did I mention the 7 times married piece of trash with the fake breasts??? I despise that woman. Have zero respect for her, and if she were to get run over by a large double decker bus (I guess she would have to be in London for that :)) I wouldn't exactly weep.

All I am saying is that the betrayal is HIS to own. Being angry at her for that seems to be a bit of an absolution for HIM. We all have to own our piece in this ...

KT isn't even at the healing piece, but isn't the healing process grand?? Ugh.

Ellie

I will always be angry with her- I will always blame her, by her own admission she led him on, he gave her the attention her husband did not- even if it was just over the phone or thru technology.

He in return fed into it...they both are to blame and they both need to suffer for it not me!

I am taking it a day at a time, we are slowly starting to speak civilly to each other, that's a start, and tonight is our first counseling session- lets see where that goes.

First session was pretty interesting- ended in a hug...just a day at a time though. Doesn't make everything all better.

But found out that her husband does know- that he was bothered for a minute and moved on doesn't want to dwell on it- they didn't have sex, so not a big deal. That I need to get a grip and move on.

So I am pretty much the only one that is bothered by their explicit messages and cant get the visions of what could've happened out of my head. I am the only one that hurts, that is crushed and devastated by the scenario and thinks it is wrong. Really- was told not to dwell on it by her husband. WTF, this is the worst roller coaster I have been on and I want to get off!

what was the therapists input? I hope your husband didn't walk away thinking he didn't do anything wrong! Just cause her husband wants to stick his head in the sand doesn't mean you have to! It was inappropriate and I don't think your husband would have enjoyed finding out that you were doing what he did! You feel how you feel and he should respect that and put how you feel first! When husbands or wives stop considering how their spouse would feel about something they are going to say or do, trouble is just around the corner! I am sure your husband knows you well enough to know you would not be ok with his choice. That is really the bigger picture, I feel....

Well it was obvious in a matter of 15 minutes that our communication is gone...it was actually nice to talk to my husband again and not yell at each other or sit and listen. Sucks that it got to this point. Glad some things were shared and brought into light that I was not aware of.

We are making an effort to talk more- still a day at a time right now. A ****ty situation that the others couples marriage sucks and my husband got sucked into their drama by trying to be her hero and give her the attention that her husband didn't. Doesn't make it any easier or the hurt any less, but I see the reason and how it happened, what lead to it etc. and that at least making it so that I can process it.

He is not forgiven...she will never be forgiven I don't think...and I am doing for me right now.

That reminds me of what happened with my parents. They were close friends with a couple who were having marital problems. My parents used to each be on a phone in the house talking to both of them to try to help but they divorced. The man worked with my father and my mother considered the woman her best friend. Not long after that, my parents got divorced and he married the woman friend...hummmmm....

Yeah that thought has crossed my mind too- That no matter how hard I try it may not work out. That the deeper we go into counseling I may not want it to or vice versa.

However, I am lead to believe that they (the other couple) do this all the time to other people. Basically they latch on to a couple,(cross the line with one spouse or the other)and almost get their kicks off of screwing up other peoples marriages. And they live on to do it again. Some people are sick and twisted.

I continually ask how and why we got to this point- what happened over the years to make things get to this point, especially since I always thought we had it pretty good. Those are the things that I am having the hardest time with right now...

You are right. Why did he get sucked in? Why was his oath to you not foremost on his mind? You can't protect a diabetic from all the sweets in the world. That is why trust is the corner stone to any good marriage. I hope you can work it out. I believe you can if your husband realizes he did something wrong and is sorry and changes his behavior. My husband didn't do any of that and that's why my marriage is ending. I feel I will die of a broken heart some days...I actually have put baby aspirin in my bag thinking my heart is gonna give out from all the stress.

Hello, I am sorry this is happening to you. I know exactly what it feels like to be betrayed as I lived in a deceitful marriage for 29 years. Always wondering why some things never added up. Came to the realization after too many years that it wasn't that I wasn't being tolerant enough, that it was him. He was a narcissistic, homosexual jerk.

As far as your situation is concerned. I would try marriage counseling and if he works really hard at gaining your trust again then, forgive and move forward. But, if this is just a can of worms that you just opened. I wouldn't waste my time, energy and health on someone who broke your trust.