No, do not give him another chance! You are very brave for having taken the steps you have taken. Don't go back -- keep moving forward! You didn't say old your children are...I am assuming they are adults. Have they witnessed the verbal abuse? What do they say? You have a chance to find happiness...take it!!
I got a divorce after 31 years of verbal abuse, also. It wasn't untl I found the book that saved my live that I began my journey. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans...I think it should be required reading for everyone on the planet.
Rarely do abusers change, unless....they are willing to do the work in counseling to figure out THEIR issues....it can take years. Usually they aren't willing to put in much time, because they believe they are always right. He is hoping you feel sorry for him and give him another chance......another chance to continue to abuse. I would recommend reading that book you will think it was written just for you. Hugs, a sister.....
Thank you very much! I will try to find the book immediately! I have been reading articles about Narcistic, verbal abuse and you are right; I think that is was written for me! I can't believe that I grew up in such a wonderful "NORMAL" environment and lived in a marriage that was for the most of the time HORRIBLE!!!
Thank you for your reply! My oldest child is 28 and married, my second is 24 and married, and then my 3rd child is 12 and is with me. The oldest two have been through so much and even my youngest is a victim too.
The main thing to me is that my oldest son (24), is having issues with me staying gone this time for good! He says that his dad is driving him crazy talking about me and wanting to come back. I tell my son that it is all an excuse to get back in the house. In turn, my son is upset with me! I wished that I could find "Talk Groups" to attend and discuss my feelings. It has been so long since I got to make decisions that I am afraid to make a decision now for believing it is going to be the wrong one. What should I do?
This may sound odd but congratulations on leaving and staying gone.
It's not surprising that your children are now taking some of the brunt of their father's current actions. Of course they want it to stop, but you taking him back isn't they way to make that happen.
So, what can they do? They need to find a way of dealing with him when he is acting in a way they don't like ---
1. Dad, I'm going to hang up the phone if all you're going to talk about is mom.
2. Dad, I will call you once a day to talk to you but that's all I can handle right now.
3. Dad, I will talk to you once a week because that's all I can handle right now. You know I"m going through my own stuff too with you two splitting up, right?
4. Dad, why don't you write this all in a letter and mail it? Note to you -- don't read the letter. Just pass it along to your attorney.
5. Any texts, voice mail, email, etc. -- Tell your son to not read it, it really is OK to not dive into them/the drama of it all. Or he can listen to/read it all at one time and respond at that time IF he thinks he needs to respond but it's probably better if he doesn't. .
I do hope you're find a counselor for yourself and your 12 yo. Living with abuse for so long (30+ years for you and your 12 yo's entire life!) fills your head with all kinds of junk. Getting help to deal with it all takes time, which stinks but it's true. Your adult kids could benefit from it as well ~~ a family counseling session or two -- without the abuser there -- might be helpful.
Bless your brave brave soul for standing up to an abuser and getting yourself out of the situation. No one deserves to be called names and made to feel worthless ... no one.
Look, bottom line is that people do not change their spots overnight. He is not going to transform from who he was. People can change but it is usually a long, long journey and no matter what, we don't stray too far away from who we fundamentally are. If you go back to him, more than likely you will be in the same pattern within weeks or months.
Time is your friend, not your enemy. Give yourself time and freedom to figure out who you are without him. Maybe he can start on a journey to become a better man ... either way, you will be in a healthier spot.