I am divorcing

I have known my husband since we were in the 5th grade together.
Crazy I know.
We started dating our junior year in high school.

We dated through college with a few not-so-great moments (cheating on his part). I missed him terribly through college and was in a very demanding program so I worked for my college department and studied most days. He was living it up on his campus.

The year after college we lived in different cities and he was living a bachelor life and I was working my tail off and caring for a sick family member (we were 22 years old).
Then I moved to his city and after a few weeks he broke it off. At this point we were together for 6 years. I was shocked and in disbelief. We still had all the same friends and many new ones. I left the city, moved 5 states away, and then 3 weeks later was offered an amazing science job in the same **** city (that I applied for a year earlier). So back I went and worked for a year. Long story short, we didn't talk that year after I moved back to his city. But at the end of that year, we started dating again...he pursued and I was reluctant (but still deeply in love with him).

The new few years were the best I ever had, then we moved back to our home town.
We moved into a house together. Got a dog. Good jobs. Working like mad. Then we were engaged. Beautiful blissful wedding. 2 1/2 years later our first child was born, another 2 1/2 years later our second child was born. Life is rocky. He was critical, verbally abusive, did not father his children, was absent, selfish, demeaning, and cruel. My first born has special needs and this is exhausting and he completely disregarded me and his child as needing help or needing him.

Fall of 2012 I finally had confirmation that he had cheated. I had to put my actions on hold because my second son became extremely ill for 8 months and I could physically and emotionally handle nothing else while still caring for my ill child and my other special needs child and the floating idea that my husband was cheating. It was too much. I also lost a pregnancy within this time frame...which I was accepting more as lesson that I felt sad that the father may not be a father to this new child.

His cheating; it started the year before we were engaged and continued throughout. 9 years of cheating, through our engagement, marriage and 2 children. I had asked him repeatedly if there was another person, if he was happy, do we need to attend counseling, and so on. I tried to fill in the missing pieces...exhausting myself mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.

I asked him to move out once I knew. It has been a year. I am still devastated. I have learned that he is a narcissist. It is difficult to believe since I have known him since I was 9. I have grown up with him, we were good friends, best friends, soul mates (yes I believe to a point) and someone who I was so prepared to spend my final days with. Excited about our lives and growing a family and living a purposeful life. I am mourning still. I am so devastated that I have to give up the life I thought I would have. I am starting over and hate it....feeling lost and unsure and scared. His family was my family.

There is so much more to the story as you all know.
I know there are many of you out there like me.
21 years of being together...my friend, my husband and father of my children....
28 years of knowing each other.
I don't understand how someone could risk damaging so many lives.
How could I marry this person and not know or see it?
I wanted to protect my children from such a life and yet here it is and it is hurting them.
I go to counseling, I work, I am learning new things, I am trying to move on BUT I feel so hurt and self conscious and scared still. It hits me in waves.

I don't have many people to talk to. This town I live in knows my husband and me too well and there are many people who know my husband and his family. There are almost too many people. No one calls me. No one checks in with me. Those people I "run into" say that they just heard about us "getting a divorce" and they are sorry "but don't tell me anything about it." They don't want to hear what I have to say, they don't want to know, I feel that they don't want me to have a voice...don't make them uncomfortable, don't make them choose, just continue to live their lives unhindered without my reality.

Thank you for letting me share.
I just need to keep letting it out I suppose.
Peace

PA: This is quite a lot to take in. I remember when my ex left, I did not want to tell anyone - felt embarrassed even though I didn't see it yet that it was for the best. Our daughter told some friends so then everyone knew. . A few years later someone found me, but it is far from perfect. My ex was found to have Asperger's Autism after he left. They have difficulty having empathy for others. He was absent five nights a week until 9-10 p.m doing what he wanted to do. He would become enraged over memories and talk to himself (part of the Asperger's, I think). Our daughter needed physical therapy, speech therapy and occupational therapy due to problems before birth. She's doing well now and has an education and a good job. We were one of the lucky ones - so I understand some of what you are going through. I hope you get a Lawyer or Legal Aid and talk to someone at a an abused women's services center. Get your child support and whatever help you need such as the local Food Pantry, emergency assistance with utility bills from the Salvation Army, Housing, if needed and shop at Thrift Shops, if needed. It seems he wasn't mature enough and/or couldn't take the stress of married/family life. Let us know how it goes. We do care. Nicole?

Hi, I am so sorry. We hear these stories over and over. THey never seem to end. I am glad you are getting. counseling for yourself.

Sad that others don't want to be empathic or even listen to what happened. That is just selfish.

I got a divorce after 31 years of verbal (some physical) abuse.

Betrayal is such a terrible thing. We never really know anybody; that is one of life's lessons I have learned.

Keep writing!

Hugs, nicole

Thank you Nicole.

The fact that there are so many stories is disturbing. I never wanted to be categorized into a group of cheater/divorcees...there is so much judgement from other uninformed parties. I had what most people would refer to as "the perfect story-tale marriage." I don't think people want to know what caused the impending divorce because they don't want to believe that it would happen to us...that is somehow could happen to them. One of the difficult issues to deal with is that no one knows the true nature of what our marriage had become and how he cheated, the lack of love toward his family and his manipulation.

I am finding peace through people like you so thank you.

Dear Dear PA:

Your story is so much like mine. Married 16 years, together 23, fairy tale marriage as far as I knew, my best friend and soulmate, we lacked for nothing ... he cheated on me for two years (that I know of) and lied until the very end when the mistress' husband came and told me about the affiar. He told me he loved me every single day. Every day for two years when he would leave my bed and go immediately text his mistress.

My heart goes out to you. The betrayal is so profound. I know your whole being has been shaken by this. I fully understand the ups and downs. You feel like you have traction one minute, and then you are back down on the ground again.

I have decided that trying to make sene of it is useless. It makes no sense. It is never going to make sense. I will never understand why somone would choose to do this to someone they said they loved. I don't understand how one maintains such a fundamental lie for so long. I don't understand why they would want to.

I am very very sorry you had to go through it and are still going through it. I work every single day to make sure I am not clinging to the pain. I imagine the pain as a physical object inside of me, and sometimes I have to make a physical effort to release it. It is a journey.

Please keep talking to us. It helped me, and I know it will help you. There was a sense that I had that once I told my story, I shouldn't talk about it too much more ... that I somehow lost that right even in this kind of forum. That is just all wrong. No one has to respond to you. Writing about it helps. Write about the big and small issues. Write about how you feel. Just write. Write until the pain is more manageable.

xoxo
Ellie

Ellie,

Your words are so healing and thank you immensely for sharing and for your support. It is an amazing comfort to know that people listen and understand...that I am validated in some way. I am surrounded by people who would never understand my inner self and what type of pain I feel and how deep the pain exists and how I look at my children and feel devastated that they have to suffer too. I try to imagine myself going back to my marriage "for the children" and I can't do it. One of the feelings I really do hate the most and rarely to I hate anything, is that the divorce is essentially "my decision." I have to decided what to do with his affair and how I would like to proceed. He gets to destroy lives and I have to put them all back together again and I only have pockets of time here and there to mourn and heal. I sometimes feel I don't have a minute to think about his long time affair and what it means to me and how I really feel about it...raising 2 small children and working and taking care of a home is consuming. The sadness comes up from no where and is all consuming. I feel like I can't move. Mourning the life I thought I had and thought I would have. He was the only person I was ever really with. It's difficult not to compare other men to him. Does this go away?

What hurts and helps at the same time is that he is not fighting for me...no pleading or hysterics. He states calmly that he loves me and always has and that he wants to stay married and "we could be an awesome couple". Whatever that means. He is hurt and is in pain too...but I don't see it from him like I feel it. He really is a narcissist and that has to stay in the forefront of my mind. When he informs people that we are divorcing he says "we were just 2 different people." He doesn't own his bad behavior or the affair and probably somewhat blames me. People don't know. I am not one to air the dirty laundry or to spread negativity. I am very spiritual and believe in karma and positive and negative energy. I pray that my reservationist personality and actions will benefit me over time. Strength...I keep thinking that I need to be my children's refuge and I need not be "everything" but I need to be "their everything." My husband is very manipulative and has known me since we were 9 years old which does give him the benefit of knowing all my soft spots. He switches personalities of being caring for the moment and then being one of the most selfish people I know. He is all about himself, his reputation what others think of him...he wants to be liked or loved and the center of attention and he thinks he is in charge and is deserving and is owed...it's exhausting. I am not this way and I need to remind myself that he pulls me down with him. He is seen as such a great caring fun guy and our divorce is seen as "I can't believe they are divorcing!" I haven't gone out or spoke to many people since last June. It's too hard, too emotional and I feel like 1/2 of my self is gone...I don't know how to be without him. I feel surreal still. I stay close to home and immerse myself in my children and what "needs" to be done from a parent standpoint.

How am I keeping positive? I have no idea. I am college lecturer. I have recently obtained my lactation counselor certification. I am taking a doula workshop in a few weeks and I would also like to take a workshop this fall to teach children's yoga. I am working part time teaching at a University which I have been employed with for about 11 years but I need more work that is flexible so I can keep myself available for my child who has special needs and lots of appointments. I have no idea how to start a new life in regards to work/employment. How do I take lactation/doula/Reiki/yoga/meditation/nutrition and turn it into a part-time job? I am a teacher and a scientist...that is what I know and I know I am good at it. Where did the drive to "really live" go. I sit down to figure out "my life's greater purpose" and I find myself either not caring or without interest or just exhausted. I put myself off because there is always something else to do that seems more important. I tell myself over and over that I am important...why is it so difficult believing in yourself and believing that I can DO things? Is it the years of a negative marriage, the affair or just life. I am grateful for therapy...it does help immensely.

Thank you again for all of your messages. I am new to this forum or any forum and I was starting to feel that there was no other side to this part of my life.

Thank you again for letting me share.
Peace

PA: I would look into getting emergency spousal support and child support first of all (assuming he's working). Close all joint bank accounts and joint credit card accounts. Get Legal Aid if you cannot afford a Lawyer or call your nearest courthouse for help. Since you said you know some things like yoga, etc., see if you can get work teaching a class in one of these areas and have your husband, friend, another mother or family member take care of the kids. It takes time to heal from a separation/divorce. I went to the local Food Pantry and shop at Thrift Shops and drive an old car. I've had plenty of time to think.

Dear PA,

While I understand the desire to keep all the details to oneself and to feel embarrassed or ashamed at one's marriage ending it is also true that you will need the support of the others in your family and community.

If you have told no one the reasons behind the divorce then it's time you did so. I was petrified to tell anyone and was happily surprised at the support I received when I did. I also talked to them about what I'd like them to share with others. Yup, I gave them permission to talk about me.

This helped to spread the truth from my point of view instead of everyone only hearing what he had to say. There were a lot of people with a lot of questions and this way some of them were answered. Later on, when I felt a little less vulnerable and raw I was able to talk to them about it.

But silence. It's a void waiting to be filled and it'll be filled one way or another.

As busy as you are is there any time for counseling for yourself? Hope so. It may help you with the whirlwind you're in.

Hugs.