Dear Dear PA:

Your story is so much like mine. Married 16 years, together 23, fairy tale marriage as far as I knew, my best friend and soulmate, we lacked for nothing ... he cheated on me for two years (that I know of) and lied until the very end when the mistress' husband came and told me about the affiar. He told me he loved me every single day. Every day for two years when he would leave my bed and go immediately text his mistress.

My heart goes out to you. The betrayal is so profound. I know your whole being has been shaken by this. I fully understand the ups and downs. You feel like you have traction one minute, and then you are back down on the ground again.

I have decided that trying to make sene of it is useless. It makes no sense. It is never going to make sense. I will never understand why somone would choose to do this to someone they said they loved. I don't understand how one maintains such a fundamental lie for so long. I don't understand why they would want to.

I am very very sorry you had to go through it and are still going through it. I work every single day to make sure I am not clinging to the pain. I imagine the pain as a physical object inside of me, and sometimes I have to make a physical effort to release it. It is a journey.

Please keep talking to us. It helped me, and I know it will help you. There was a sense that I had that once I told my story, I shouldn't talk about it too much more ... that I somehow lost that right even in this kind of forum. That is just all wrong. No one has to respond to you. Writing about it helps. Write about the big and small issues. Write about how you feel. Just write. Write until the pain is more manageable.

xoxo
Ellie

Ellie,

Your words are so healing and thank you immensely for sharing and for your support. It is an amazing comfort to know that people listen and understand...that I am validated in some way. I am surrounded by people who would never understand my inner self and what type of pain I feel and how deep the pain exists and how I look at my children and feel devastated that they have to suffer too. I try to imagine myself going back to my marriage "for the children" and I can't do it. One of the feelings I really do hate the most and rarely to I hate anything, is that the divorce is essentially "my decision." I have to decided what to do with his affair and how I would like to proceed. He gets to destroy lives and I have to put them all back together again and I only have pockets of time here and there to mourn and heal. I sometimes feel I don't have a minute to think about his long time affair and what it means to me and how I really feel about it...raising 2 small children and working and taking care of a home is consuming. The sadness comes up from no where and is all consuming. I feel like I can't move. Mourning the life I thought I had and thought I would have. He was the only person I was ever really with. It's difficult not to compare other men to him. Does this go away?

What hurts and helps at the same time is that he is not fighting for me...no pleading or hysterics. He states calmly that he loves me and always has and that he wants to stay married and "we could be an awesome couple". Whatever that means. He is hurt and is in pain too...but I don't see it from him like I feel it. He really is a narcissist and that has to stay in the forefront of my mind. When he informs people that we are divorcing he says "we were just 2 different people." He doesn't own his bad behavior or the affair and probably somewhat blames me. People don't know. I am not one to air the dirty laundry or to spread negativity. I am very spiritual and believe in karma and positive and negative energy. I pray that my reservationist personality and actions will benefit me over time. Strength...I keep thinking that I need to be my children's refuge and I need not be "everything" but I need to be "their everything." My husband is very manipulative and has known me since we were 9 years old which does give him the benefit of knowing all my soft spots. He switches personalities of being caring for the moment and then being one of the most selfish people I know. He is all about himself, his reputation what others think of him...he wants to be liked or loved and the center of attention and he thinks he is in charge and is deserving and is owed...it's exhausting. I am not this way and I need to remind myself that he pulls me down with him. He is seen as such a great caring fun guy and our divorce is seen as "I can't believe they are divorcing!" I haven't gone out or spoke to many people since last June. It's too hard, too emotional and I feel like 1/2 of my self is gone...I don't know how to be without him. I feel surreal still. I stay close to home and immerse myself in my children and what "needs" to be done from a parent standpoint.

How am I keeping positive? I have no idea. I am college lecturer. I have recently obtained my lactation counselor certification. I am taking a doula workshop in a few weeks and I would also like to take a workshop this fall to teach children's yoga. I am working part time teaching at a University which I have been employed with for about 11 years but I need more work that is flexible so I can keep myself available for my child who has special needs and lots of appointments. I have no idea how to start a new life in regards to work/employment. How do I take lactation/doula/Reiki/yoga/meditation/nutrition and turn it into a part-time job? I am a teacher and a scientist...that is what I know and I know I am good at it. Where did the drive to "really live" go. I sit down to figure out "my life's greater purpose" and I find myself either not caring or without interest or just exhausted. I put myself off because there is always something else to do that seems more important. I tell myself over and over that I am important...why is it so difficult believing in yourself and believing that I can DO things? Is it the years of a negative marriage, the affair or just life. I am grateful for therapy...it does help immensely.

Thank you again for all of your messages. I am new to this forum or any forum and I was starting to feel that there was no other side to this part of my life.

Thank you again for letting me share.
Peace

PA: I would look into getting emergency spousal support and child support first of all (assuming he's working). Close all joint bank accounts and joint credit card accounts. Get Legal Aid if you cannot afford a Lawyer or call your nearest courthouse for help. Since you said you know some things like yoga, etc., see if you can get work teaching a class in one of these areas and have your husband, friend, another mother or family member take care of the kids. It takes time to heal from a separation/divorce. I went to the local Food Pantry and shop at Thrift Shops and drive an old car. I've had plenty of time to think.

Dear PA,

While I understand the desire to keep all the details to oneself and to feel embarrassed or ashamed at one's marriage ending it is also true that you will need the support of the others in your family and community.

If you have told no one the reasons behind the divorce then it's time you did so. I was petrified to tell anyone and was happily surprised at the support I received when I did. I also talked to them about what I'd like them to share with others. Yup, I gave them permission to talk about me.

This helped to spread the truth from my point of view instead of everyone only hearing what he had to say. There were a lot of people with a lot of questions and this way some of them were answered. Later on, when I felt a little less vulnerable and raw I was able to talk to them about it.

But silence. It's a void waiting to be filled and it'll be filled one way or another.

As busy as you are is there any time for counseling for yourself? Hope so. It may help you with the whirlwind you're in.

Hugs.