I wonder how many marriages stay together because one of the people in it knew of the shock waves it would send through their circle of family/friends? Most likely more than a few. Not a great life for the person who would be more content out of the relationship.
Whose life is it? It's yours. You need to decide what's right for you. Once you've arrived at that decision then you will decide how to act. There are oodles of books and stuff on the internet on how to tell one's kids a divorce is happening.
You will take some hits for it. That goes with the territory. Keep it simple, "I have been unhappy for a very very long time. We've done what we can to try to bring the relationship back to what it should be but nothing has changed. He thinks it could still work, I know that it cannot. Therefore we're going to split up." No one has the right to hammer you for details or to make you defend your decision. Although they may think they do. But if you start defending it the argument against it will go on and on.
However, that being said tell the kids that you will answer any question they have at any time they have one. Tell them that nothing changes the way you feel about the and that you will do your best to keep them out of any discussions about divorce. Then do that - keep them out of all of it. Give them solid information as it comes along about the big stuff --- will one of you keep the house? or will it be sold? etc.
I was amazed at how much support I received once the word was out. Some people I thought would shun me (not too strong a word) did nothing but show support - for both of us.
But it wasn't all good. I could put up with some of the crap people said because I always knew - always - that I had done the work on the decision and knew it was the right decision for me. Never second-guessed it.
Thanks so much for the feedback. It was great insight. You are correct, I am sure that many people stay together to prevent the shock waves. To be honest, I have been waffling for that very reason. I told my husband on Sunday that I wanted a divorce and he is managing better than I am. My parents on the other hand called to make sure I had exhausted all of possibilities to save our relationship. I actually think our relationship will be better once we don't live together. Strange but true!
I am scared to death about telling the kids. They are the biggest concern for both of us. We are deciding how to tell them since only one lives at home. The other two have their own homes and live 3-5 hours from us.
I am also scared about being alone. I wish a magic genie could appear and show me the future. I am scared about the stuff related to maintaining a home that has taken two people in the past.
Part of me is excited to start a life where I don't have to take care of another adult. Part of me is dreading the change.