Hello everyone, I was sitting at home again alone after 6 months of constant fighting and trying to figure out what happened and what went wrong. I am at my lowest right now. I am balancing back and forth from emotional feelings, that even I am confused on how I am suppose to be feeling. My survival mode is running in high gear, my pain is so intense that I have become numb from the consistent hurt and feeling as if I have been thrown away like a piece of trash. I keep so much inside because my divorce case has not started, I have just paid my lawyer to start preceding's. This is not what I wanted, it is not how I wanted things to turn out between the man I am in love with; but he has left me no other alternative. I never understood that before when people would say that but I get it now. I have tried and tried but to no avail. I can only take so much, I deserve so much better. I am a faithful hard working woman who brought this man up from almost losing everything he owned to where we are today including his job, and I always told him we did it together. He choose to wonder. He was never satisfied with just me. He is currently out with a woman telling her the same words he told me when we first met. It is so painful and he doesn't care how it makes me feel.
How can someone who said they were so in love with you be so cold hearted. How can they break their promises? I just don't understand it. I know in my mind that I am not responsible for his actions, but I had to let the emotional pain of this process out. I am so tired of holding it in. It hurts so much.
I didn't want this, to hear him over and over again say he was done with me like I was some inanimate object was just awful. To hear him say that he didn't care about me. For me to have a TIA in front of him and for him just to turn off the light and go to bed was just awful. I am just hurting so much and I have no where to express my pain.

Dear Pepper, You have come to a good place to let out your pain and frustrations. This forum has heard everything. Your husband sounds like he has serious character disorders. It may not seem possible right now but he is giving you the gift of freedom. You said it all when you said you deserve much better. This has nothing to do with you and everything to do with the type of person he is. He is a user. The pain will take some time to go away but it will. Protect yourself financially. If you have him doing well now take your share! You need to force yourself out there to begin a new life without him. It is so hard to do this at first but do it you must. Try and be thankful you will not waste another moment with a man of such poor character. We are praying you heart heals quickly. Like all of us here need to try and pick better next time.

I thank you for your king and encouraging words. I will do this for all the women and me who have been treated this way.

Yes, he has done well and I was right by his side at all the functions and hosting parties here at home. I did him proud.

I have gathered my evidence and I have given it to my lawyer. I would like to share some poems, it can give you and idea of what it has been like. I am a writer and this is how I expressed myself with on one to talk to.


Have you ever been punished over and over again
Shunned away and left to cry
Made to feel worthless
While others push you aside


Have you ever tried and tried and tried
Yet it still was not enough
No matter how hard you work
They still just made it so rough

Have you ever just forgave and forgave
and let it just roll on past by
But minute by minute they would bring it up
And hurt you till you cried

Have you ever just loved and loved
Only to be pushed a side
Have you ever been so hungry for him
That you just swallow your pride

You have forgiven so many times before
So quickly your heart forgot
Because that is what Loves about
Not walking out the door

As another weekend rolls on by
And I sit here in our home
Alone again with out him here
While chosen to go and roam

Five weekends in a row
No future is ever spoken
My heart with every beat it takes
Weeps because it is broken

I pray that he feels compassion
and realizes how true this is
A love like ours comes only once
We should not be sharing our love in ration
CDZ 5/31/14

I truly hope you understand it. Thank you. I send a hug of great Thanks
Pepper

OH A SOUL SO COLD AND DENSE...NOT WITH IN REACH...NO LIGHT WILL BE LET IN.....NO SOUND IS HEARD....BUT LIPS OF WOE DO MOVE....SHAMLESS ACTS AWAY DO STAY I BEHOVE.....TEARS BLOOD RED FROM SINS OF PAST.....ONES DONE WRONG STILL HAUNT OH SO SAD.....MY WICKED ONE THOU MUST PAY....WAIT IN YOUR DARKNESS TILL THEE JUDGEMENT DAY... CDZ 2/14/14
Pepper

Pepper,

You've found a great way to express your feelings! Thank you for sharing some of it with us.