I am hoping someone can share with me their experience. Unlike many women's husband, my husband is a wonderful person to everyone we know. He is a hard worker, is committed to our family and is liked by everyone. The problem is that when we are at home, he is in his own world. He does not help, unless told, he does not have a clue about our finances, I have to manage all of that. I am the main provider in our family so all that falls onto me. I organize everything from our family get-togethers to outings with friends to our daily lives. We have done a really good job of presenting a good marriage to most people.

Since I asked for a divorce because I am tired of taking care of everything, he has now decided that he can do things for himself. We are still living in the same house so he can save some money for a downpayment. We have actually had some really good conversations. We have told our families of our decision but not our friends. I have waivered on the decision but he tells me he knows this is what I need. I don't trust that if we don't go through with the divorce that we won't be going through it next year. We have tried counseling twice in the past, things change for a few months and then it is back to where we were.

So...now we need to tell our friends. We have two very close couple friends. We do many things socially with them but I am sure they don't have a clue this is coming. I am scared to lose them as friends because everyone knows my husband would not initiate this.

I know I need to do this. I have been in too many situations lately where I feel it would be so easy to spend time with someone else. This goes against every value I have so I know I am not in a good place.

So far everything is very amicable. We have divided everything and have decided not to spend money on attorneys. It seems like I initiated it but he is not fighting it...just seems too easy. I actually wonder if he doesn't want this as much as I do.

Well, I have rambled enough but I know one of you will have some good feedback for me.

Thanks for listening!
Jo

Hi :)

It sounds like your husbands lackluster behavior is a sign that he was checked out. It is also possible that he was fostering an environment that would keep driving you away because he wanted out. This doesn't mean that you are at fault for the breakdown but I think men do not always know how to say they want out. I was once in a similar situation and now again I am married to someone who has checked out.

If someone loves you and wants to be with you they will do everything under the sun to fix the things you gripe about. When that energy is not there is it usually because they want out for some reason.

Separate and explore your life alone and see where you end up. That is the best you can do.

grace :)

Jo: I would put all that you have divided in writing to give to the Judge so she/he can see what has taken place. My ex only helped around the house on holiday weekends, so I know what you mean. I got a housecleaning service to help. Some of the friends who are couples you may not hear from after the divorce because you may be viewed as a "threat" to their marriages because you will be single, but hopefully some of the women you know will still have coffee or whatever you like one-on-one and get together. Now is the time for you to focus on yourself and to make your life better. I go to Yoga and a place to swim. I met nice people there. I told our neighbors when I was ready about the divorce and our daughter told her friends so then everyone else knew. My ex was not very sociable and did not live near his friends and all my friends from the old neighborhood moved away, so there weren't many to tell. Never mind what others think, this is about your life. The worst of times bring out people's true colors and the nice ones will contact you to see how you are doing. Many on this forum had their ex's families discontinue contact, so be prepared for that unless you are close to them (know some who were). There are two sides to every story. Good luck.

Thanks for the positive feedback! I really appreciate it. I know I am making the right decision. I just need to remain strong.

Dear Jo,

You're right, it is very difficult to spread the word because you never know what the reaction will be. Do the best you can to prepare yourself for the worst (ugliness, never seeing them again) but don't fall into the trap of having to explain yourself. That can lead to your getting into a discussion/argument about why you're doing what you're doing. Which isn't necessary. You're doing what you're doing for your own reasons.

If you feel comfortable doing so, take the women out and tell them together. Tell them they can ask you anything but they have to understand if some of your answers are "I just can't answer that right now.". Find a good spot to do this, you don't want someone in the next booth craning their neck to hear every word. Let them hear your unhappiness and pain, it'll help them understand what you're doing -- but you don't have to go into excruciating detail.

Some couples get weird, have the feeling you're now looking at their spouse so, if before you were touchy affectionate stop doing that. It stinks to have to change one's behaviour but I'm sure you understand.

Hugs for you!