I left my abusive ex about a year ago. He had threatened me numerous times in the presence of our 2 children, is very controlling, has serious problems with drugs and alcohol, and still harasses me on a regular basis. He has a history of violence, I've seen him get in fistfights over minor arguments, he's hit members of his own family, and the now ex-girlfriend he had after me was struck by him as well. All I want is for him to move on and own up to his share of the parental responsibilities, and he refuses as he thinks I'll come running back to him to make my life easier. I know it's in the children's best interests to stay with me, as I've been their primary caretaker for their whole lives, and he is not seeking treatment for his issues.

I've had the kids 6 or 7 days a week since leaving him and I am always the one who provides their transportation to/from. I've made attempts for him to take them more often out of necessity, as I am unable to get a job when he only tells me what day he can take them about 24 hours ahead of time. He claims to work all of these hours, yet he's only provided about \$300 in support and materials since the relationship ended. Most of that was equipment that I had to sell, as he would not put forth the effort to do so.

He's been stepping up the insanity as far as harassment goes; he insists on calling the kids twice a day even though they rarely speak to him for more than a minute before they lose interest and move on to other activities (they are almost 2 years old and just over 3), and then he continually tries to get me to see "the error of [my] ways", trying to sweet-talk me back into his life, and when that fails, he berates, insults, and makes thinly veiled threats to me. So, I know he's not calling to speak to them, he's using the children as an excuse to manipulate me. After he started repeatedly calling me a slut/*****/bitch/etc and saying that I was ruining the childrens' lives over the phone and in front of them, I decided enough was enough and that I should pursue things through the proper legal channels. Paperwork for custody has been filed, and I have an appointment with Child Support for the end of the week.

Over the past 2 days I've been extremely reluctant to let him speak to the children over the phone, for the reasons mentioned above. Yesterday I did not answer any calls from him, nor had the kids call him. He was asking to see them but I don't feel comfortable going to his house to drop them off, nor do I want to put the kids in a position where they're in the middle of an argument or altercation. Now he's claiming that I'm hurting them by refusing to let them over there. I just want to wait until there's a custody hearing and protections in place to keep him from putting the kids in the middle of this. I'm afraid he'd keep the children out of spite, since there's no custody order in place yet he would not be legally obligated to return them, and I fear for their safety and mine.

Any advice is welcome, I am not sure of what to do.

OMGOSH .. this is SOOO NOT ok .. please, please, please call the Domestic Violence line in your area. DO go to the counseling they offer AND if you can find an Alanon group in your area. It is IMPORTANT to take care of YOU first and then it will make things easier.

Talk to the DV though first there are advocates in there who can guide you and help you through the situation you are going through. I'm not sure if you have an atty yet or have filed divorce or whatever .. first thing, first .. DO go and get

I'm sooo sorry that you are going through this .. DO get counseling and help yourself. HE needs to STOP harassing you and he needs to be sent a CLEAR message that this is NOT ok.

I have an Alcoholic STBX .. and the reality is that I have sole custody, he has visitation however is checked out on the kids outside of the support that is garnished from his check .. he will buy the kids things .. however ANYTHING that makes it easy on me .. FORGET IT. I DID take an OP out on mine and he violated it 3x in 3 weeks .. I DID choose to get the police involved. I'm sooo glad I did .. it brought me peace of mind AND he got that I was DONE. I am very concerned for YOUR safety .. always have a plan B. HUGS ... do come back and post and update!!

Hugs L :)

Augustine: If it were me, I would end his parental rights in court because he is not seeking treatment and is abusive. If he struck other people, he could do it to them. Hopefully, he will get tired of this and just do something else besides all these calls. I know of someone whose parental rights were taken away for this very reason. Get whatever help you need: Food Pantry, Govt. subsidized Day Care, many ladies are job trained to help the elderly with errands and cleaning in their home. Our daughter and I learned not to depend on the ex for anything. I had a Grandpa who was abusive and he took me out of his Will for not bringing my daughter to him - good, she did not have to go through what I did. Nicole?

Dear Augustine,

Sounds like you're on the right track -- limiting exposure, not taking calls. Don't delete texts or email -- just don't read them. Save them for your attorney.

Don't forget to document everything he says or does in your own notebook, courts and lawyers like it when things are spelled out and clear. Call the cops if he continues to verbally harass you so you have that documentation as well. Police reports of some kind are good documentation -- means you're serious when it comes to following through and protecting the kids.

Heck yes to contacting your local or the national domestic abuse hotlines. They are the experts when it comes to leaving an abuser and what you can do to protect yourself further. don't hesitate to find out what it takes for a restraining order/order of protection in your area -- the cops may help you with this, if not they will know who you should contact about it.

Hugs to you and the kids.