debrs: I was divorced at 49. Make sure you have an Attorney or some other type of legal rep. Close all joint accounts - i.e., credit, checking, dept. store, joint lines of credit, etc. A Lawyer would tell you to do this.

Dear Debrs, I will not tell you this will be easy because it won't. You need to do this as things will only get worse as the years go on. My story is a lot like yours in many ways. I also have issues with my husband and my grandkids and kids even though he raised them their whole lives. I have been married forty years. I have actually filed twice before but never followed through. I have to also find the courage to finally do this if not for myself then my grandkids that need me. I also feel sorry for my husband who is not real well. Ours is his only family which he has decided to throw away. I don't know what he is thinking but I know I have to look for what is best for my children and grandkids and staying married to a controlling, hurtful, angry, bitter old man isn't it. Let's pray for each other.

I was 63 when I filed and I was out of my with fear. This was a second marriage that failed, and the thought of being divorced twice is something that I just didn't want to be. But like you, there comes a point that there is no choice.

My husband is 69 and feels like he is a stud of 40. During the dating years of 3 years he totally love bombed me. He moved fast, and I truly believed in him and loved him. We got married, and bought a house in cash. I put up half the money, and he put up half the money and then all hell came to my door. It was his house, he too is in construction and I would come home from work to find, color of walls changed, patio put in, walls down and built up again, kitchen remodeled and never once was I asked to pick out a dish towel. He was the most controlling man. And he was high maintence. He wanted a sex slave and all my attention on him. I too had grandchildren from a previous marriage. I use to babysit on Thursdays. This drove him mad. Punishments were always silent treatments for months on end. And truly because he was always mad at something, I never once celebrated an anniversary or a birthday with him. Not one vacation, and I can't even remember a summer that we did a thing together.

I had operations like bladder stones, thryoid cancer, a biopsy behind one of my eyes. All three times, he was mad at me for something and never took me to the hospital, visited me, or brought me home. My daughters did that.

My parents were dying and for months I took care of them until they passed at their home for they were not allowed to be in mine during this time. Punishment for that, was to take every dime out of my name, and hide it. I was penniless.

He gave everything that we saved to his children from a previous marriage.

And then after 13 years, I had enough and filed.
The man must have been thrilled because he became mellow, and calm, and there was all of a sudden no silent treatments. Little did I know that he had a plan for HIS future. So he lived with me, until the divorce became final which was 18 months later.

That was last June. His plan...he bought a house exactly like ours and bought it in cash himself. Renovated it to the tune of another $75,000. Bought a dog like we had, named it the same name. Got a Korvette and an Infinity and then he found his new supply. A woman in my neighborhood who now lives with him half the week.

I was trying to heal from a second divorce, from all the betrayal, from all the lies from day one, the no money and trying to survive, and he has the exact life we had but just with a different woman. This one, a blonde. Which was always his favorite.

Now he is love bombing her, and it just exhausting to even go on aboutit.

The 18 month process was emotionally hard on me, the divorce was sometimes enlightening to be in peace and have family and friends now welcomed in my house and the label of 2 time divorcee is finally accepted. But yes there are scars and memories that run deep. It is a very slow process. But like you, there was no choice. Neither you or I could live the way we are or were living.

But the fact was that we did love them. And it is very hard to let go of a dream. 49? My dear that is when I remarried and I would do anything to turn back the clock to that time. I will be turning 65 come November. But did either one of us want to live the rest of our lives with rage and name calling and tears? No. We would want them to be the idea that we thought they were ...yes, but they are not. And we just have to push forward.

Don't be scared...make plan B's,
C's and all the rest. We are women, and although we get kicked in the ass more often than the opposite sex, we are also alot stronger than they are too.

I am thinking of you. You are going to be alright but be patient, because it does take time.