I have been with my husband for 20 years. We got together when I was 16. We have 3 children together ranging from 9-19. I have made the decision to get a divorce. I have wanted to leave for a long time. I have tried leaving at numerous times throughout our marriage. Even before we got married. He is 3 years older than me and although he has never hit me he has used my weaknesses against me to keep me around. Im not sure what I want from sharing this. Maybe im hoping from throwing this out there it will make me feel better about what i am about to do. When we first got together I had just started high school and he was already graduated. There were many times i felt like he was trying to be my parent. It turned into feeling like he was trying to control me. He wanted me to put him above everyone else in my life including family. We have had so many stupid fights about little things and its always the principle of the matter to him. I became pregnant 6 months into our relationship. There were times I would tell him things and he would wig out so I started not being open with him about everything. At one point he got so frustrated with me that he held a rifle to my head and screamed over and over again tell me the truth. I was so terrified.

Because of how I grew up, I am extremely uncomfortable around conflict, anger and tears. I am a people pleaser. Always trying to make everyone happy. So it doesn't take much for me to give up on myself to keep the peace. He knows this and uses it against me. I am and have been for a while the provider of the family. He has lost numerous jobs do to his attitude and mouth. His theory was always I don't get paid enough and i am not gonna put up with any crap. Doesn't matter that I was pregnant and we needed the money. He cant seem to hold back his opinions and doesn't give a **** about what other people think. He is a relentless arguer. He will repeat himself over and over until he feels you understand and agree with what he has to say. And my will power is just not strong enough to deal with it so i just give in usually. I tried leaving 14 years ago as well. Had to get a restraining order because he kept harassing me and using the kids as an excuse to talk to me. When i offered to drop kids off but said i wasn't going to talk to him he wigged out and threatened to come blow everyone's head off if i didn't talk to him.

As you can see 14 years later i'm still here. He has matured a little and hasn't made any crazy threats like that but he uses threats of custody of kids or how he is gonna quit his job he only has had 5 months and live off alimony. Or make references to how horrible he will make my life if i leave him. If that doesn't work he will start the tears. I have grown so used to it. I know I emotionally checked out a long time ago and I need to leave. When we are not around other people he can be great at times. But when we get in social atmospheres he gets jealous or try's to start arguements with people. He has made his whole world about me. No friends and isn't close with his own family. When I ask for a divorce he try's to be on his best behavior for awhile but it always goes back to the same. I worry about whats gonna happen when I leave and he feels he has nothing else. Will he go crazy? will he get violent? Then I go back to feeling bad about how he is gonna feel...

I have planned to leave him tomorrow while he is at work. I have tried to do it in person but it never seems to work. Im so nervous...

Jackie,

When I first posted on here I was not sure why I was putting my life out to strangers as well. I have to tell you it has been one of the smartest choices. You will find you are surrounded by people going through the same experience and feelings as you are.

Your story is very similar to mine. I have been married for 27 years and with my STBX for 30. We started dating when I was in high school but since he was 3 years older he was out. I basically became his life. All focus was on me. That is a lot of pressure to put on a 17 year old! I also tried to end our relationship before we got married but people pleasing me could not hold my ground. Over the last 27 years, I have had many thoughts of divorce. I was pregnant 4 months into our marriage so I knew that I would be alone with a child...then came another...and another. Believe me they are my life and the reason I stayed so long. My husband was never physically with me but he played mind games. I put my career on hold early in our marriage so he could live by his family. When I wanted to relocate, he always said I had to make a ton of money or else we would not make it. The amount was usually way more than he was making. Well after years of it, I did exactly that...found a job making double him...thinking I would take the kids (only 2 were left)and move backfired because he found a job in the new location immediately. We continued to try to work things out but he continued to tell me how much more work his job was and blah blah blah. I have a very successful career, am the main provider, work about 60 hours week, keep kids schedules, pay for weddings and college and basically run our lives. He worked 40 hrs per week and couldn't figure out how to wipe off the counter after he ate! Publically we were that couple...never clingy but not fighting. I couldn't stand being with him in public though because he had to one up everyone. It became a joke for me. I would not take him to work events with me because of this.

End of story I told him I needed out in July. Our divorce will be final on Sept 15.

As I read your story I saw so much of mine in it. Don't waste anymore time living to keep the peace. I wish I had made the move years ago. I have felt alive again.

We are all here for you! Be confident, strong and remember you can do this!

Jo

Jackie: I was married to a man for 21 years who also lost many jobs (I worked part time for half the marriage - long story). You need a consultation with a Family Lawyer ASAP (see if you can get a free one). Many men want full custody so and/or quit jobs so they don't have to pay child support. My ex wanted everything. Please close all joint bank accounts, joint credit cards, joint lines of credit, etc., so he will not take advantage of you financially if you are seriously considering leaving the marriage and I think you should. People who are controlling are considered abusive.