I do currently go see a counselor and it does seem to help and I do realize this is a change in my life that is going to take time to get used to and comfortable with.
I know that I can do this and raise my kids as a single divorced mom but it is harder than I thought it would be to be mom all the time. And I have had a lot of time to realize that I lost who I was and am loving finding out who I am turning into. A Strength that I didn't realize I had before.
I was so emotionally beat down by him so often that I was always sick, High blood pressure, headaches/migraines, weight gain, etc. I would get so worked up about going out to events with him knowing that it would cause a fight because I would expect him to actually acknowledge me and act like we came together (treat me like I existed)that I would make myself sick (typically end up with a migraine and down and out for two days)
live in a very remote part of my state and there really isn't much to get out and do and that is discouraging and the weekends that the kids go with him are so long and I feel the loneliness even more then.
I have such a hard time trying to integrate myself into my friends lives because they all have kids and I feel like a third wheel. Not that any of them ever seem to mind but I feel like I am imposing.
But even after all of the things I said above how do I not miss him and hope he will change his mind and we can work through this. I keep pushing forward through all the pain and anger but I feel that I keep falling backwards. Two steps forward and three steps back. I guess I am more emotionally screwed up than I thought.