Nicole: You need a Lawyer ASAP to handle these things. A Family Lawyer is best when there are children concerned. I have been divorced since 2009. I got the cottage and he got his retirement (both equal in value). In most States assets such as home values and retirement are split 50/50. I will be getting his Social Security after he passes (that is, if it doesn't go broke by then, but I am thinking it will be bailed out). I don't recall having had to sign any papers. My ex wanted the divorce and I feel I am better off without him. If I had a man like you describe, I'd feel like I was better off, also. Even if the other party doesn't want the divorce, it will still go through. A Lawyer would tell you to get your own bank accounts and credit cards and to cancel all joint ones. My ex talked about me for years and put me down to them and to our teen daughter (he was drunk when he talked to her). If he tattles and brings down others, that is on him and does not speak well of him as a Pastor. In time, your kids will see him for who he is when they are older. Things like child support, homes and retirement are all worked out by Lawyers. I was married to a man with Asperger's Autism for 21 years who also moved in with his family (for 2 years). I did not know he had Asperger's. Good Luck. Let us know how it goes. We do care.
Your husband, (The Pastor) is threatening to ruin other families, if you don't agree to his terms and then says it will be your fault. How God like of him. Please do not buy into these threats. If he talks about your friends, and other parishioners, it is on HIM and no one else. And may God forgive him.
What ever has been built up in your two decades of marriage is 50/50, that includes his$97,000 IRA, bills, assets of any kind. And yes, he has to give support to his chlldren. But please run to a lawyer and get all the facts and make sure you know as much about your assets as possible. Income statement, should be photocopied, bank statements, and given to the lawyer. Your husband is not calling the shots here, there are laws.
Now I know you don't want this divorce and all you can do is offer to go for help. But if a man is determined to end the marriage, there is not a whole lot you can do. But you can fight to get as much as you are entitled to, for the sake of your own future, and for your children. This should be your goal now, and do not lose focus on this one issue.
Pastor or not, I am smelling a rat here, and I wouldn't be surprised if there is someone waiting in the wings.
You have a long journey ahead of you. We have all been there. I am now divorced alittle over a year and still it is no picnic, but it is so much better than being with someone that doesn't want to be with you. This forum has been a life saver for me over the years and I hope you take advantage of it. Just venting, reading other posts can give you knowledge and strength and comfort that you are not alone.