I got word that the divorce papers will be ready in a couple weeks. My soon to be ex called to tell me. He stated that he never wanted a divorce and he wanted to talk tomorrow. I was confused and wondering if there were any stones left unturned when he hung up. I pictured every scenario of getting back with him contemplating what I would respond with.

Today came around and he called to tell me he wanted to clear up what he said yesterday. He meant he never wanted to get a divorce after marrying, he did not mean he did not want to go ahead with OUR divorce. He told me he is looking for a woman who will want to do what he wants to do, and won't be sad when he goes on vacations with the guys, or when he doesn't want to talk, or go on activities. Someone who will have sex no matter what, cook every day, and let him do what he wants to do without stressing him out that he has to include me. So boy, did I worry for nothing. I actually am glad he removed all doubt. Now I know that everything I could do has been done and I will now let the lawyers handle anything that comes up and not take his phone calls any more. He will never find what he is looking for unless he locates a woman who has had a lobotomy.

You soon to be ex, wants the same thing that my ex wanted. And actually used the same words. Guess what? It seems like within months, he found just that. Or it seems that way from the outside. My ex wanted me and him in a bubble with no outside interference. He wanted to be in total control. I was married before and had two daughters from that marriage. They are both married and have two children a piece. Which makes me a grandmother of four. I didn't meet my ex until I was 47 years old. Which meant that I had a life, a family, and friends for decades before I ever laid eyes on him. I always felt that I had to choose between my husband and him.

It shoud not have been that way. We should have joined each other's lives. But no, he wanted to be my only life. Period. And when I talked, or paid attention to anyone outside of him, there was a war. Silent treatments for months, no celebration of birthdays or anniversary's if I slighted him anywhere near those occassions. it was havoc constantly. My ex is a true Narcisstic.

So he found someone, in one of the dance clubs he use to go to. Funny but I met him in a dance club too, 18 years ago. Same scenario. She seems lonely, desperate and builds her world only around him. She lives in my neighborhood and he moved an hour away. Every weekend, you can see her packing her car along with her two dogs and off she goes to his new home. It's hard to see. It's been a year and they are still together. Behind close doors does he pull the same control with her. Oh yes, I am sure he does. But so far, she seems to be blind.

And I think that as long as he doesn't marry her (and he won't) they will be okay. For my ex NEVER SHOULD BE MARRIED. Because that would mean living under the same roof 24/7,(and then she would really see who he is) sharing finances (which is a huge No-No for him)she might want to actually arrange her home (and that he will not have)

No he wants someone to play with. Someone to go out with, someone to have sex with, someone to do for him, take care of him when he wants it. And then he wants to send her on her way to her own place. He wants the best of both worlds...single and committed. On his terms only.

I tried very hard in my marriage, but the lies, the mistrust, the betrayals, were non stop. The emotional abuse, was beyond anything you could imagine. I found No contact is the best way. I hope you can do that. I don't know if there was any children in your union, because that makes No contact very hard to do. I had no children with this man, so I truly can close my eyes and pretend that it never happened.

I filed for divorce, but I will tell you, that he wanted OUT, OUT, OUT. The man got happy once those papers were in his hands. I never wanted to be divorced and here I was going to be a two timer at it. But I am glad that he is out of my life now. What I am dealing with now, is the damage that was done to my soul with this man. It's been alittle over a year and the healing journey is long. But everyday that goes by, is another day, when I don't have to deal with his lies. May God help the new woman.

Mel: I agree with Emily A. Don't contact him anymore if you don't have minor children. My Lawyer told me not to get involved in my ex's personal life. I think that is good advice. My ex does whatever he wants, including moving 2 hours away from his girlfriend who he sees/met at a dance club on weekends (her husband died) - sound like Emily's ex. Good luck to these women who are with our ex's. They will need it. Mel, it sounds like your stbx is very selfish.