I've been married almost 30 years. I was only 17 when we married, he was 21 and I was pregnant. We went on to have 3 more children and now have 2 grandchildren. He has always been a wonderful husband and father. He's worked hard to make sure our family was supported and that we had the things we needed.

I've been unhappy for several years now. At first I thought it was because of the now empty nest. Then after a significant weight loss, I thought it was the effects of feeling better about myself and having more energy. But as time as gone on I've realized that I'm not happy with us. I've lost all interest in intimacy with him. Even before that our love life was hit and miss at best, we could months without even a kiss. When we were intimate it was always great and he's always been attentive to my needs.

Not only have I lost interest in intimacy, I no longer even enjoy talking or going out with him. When we do talk, it's about the kids, the bills, work, the family, news or politics. And usually those conversations are just a few sentences passed between us. As far as going out, we rarely do that either.And it's the same, little to no conversation.

I told him a few years ago that I was unhappy and wanted a few months alone to think and see if I could try to work things out in my own. I wanted to see if the problem was just me. He told me I could have one month away. The whole time was away I received constant calls, texts and emails from either him or the kids. One daughter called me a *****, though there was no other man involved, my mother told me to be ashamed and that my happiness didn't matter as long as I had a good man. So, I came back home. I've tried for 2 years to put on a happy face, lie to myself and make it work. But I just can't anymore.

I told him a few weeks ago that I want another break, a real break. I've started seeing a therapist who has offered marriage counseling to us as well. My husband told me that if I leave there is no coming back and he will not go to counseling.

I'm so torn! I love him but I do not love him as a wife should love a husband. I no longer look forward to waking up beside nor do I feel excited to come home to see him or to go out with him. I know he deserves better than that and despite what my mom and kids say I think I deserve to be happy.

I'm also scared that if I do leave and divorce that I'll lose everything. My parents love him,I think more than they love me, and the kids will be heartbroken and at least one will never speak to me again (she's already told me that I'm selfish and destroying the whole family with my selfishness). All I know right now is that there has to be something better than feeling this unhappy.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

Frankie,

I been there myself, but married 23 years. I just asked myself one day, Do I want to risk staying in this marriage and when when I get 85 years old and REGRET staying and being miserable? So I just left, and filed. I was 48 at the the time and so glad I did it. I am now 58. My ex was a great father, but had issues of drinking, smoking and telling me what I can and cannot do---23 years of that was enough.

You can seek all the professional help and get friends' advice all you want but what it all comes down to is your happiness. And no therapist is going to help you find happiness in a place you aren't happy, no matter how good he/she is or how much it cost.

Della

I think couples' counseling is a good idea...I left after 31 years......the x was an abuser, and it took me that long, because I was afraid of being alone.

One sentence did it for me: "Try to let the side of you that is trying to save yourself.....win." The unknown with anything is so scary, I know.

You are the only one who can make the decision. xo

P.S. If he truly loved/cared about you he would agree to counseling....whatever might help....he should want to do that..sounds spoiled...if you leave you can't come back? Making it all about HIM.

Frankie: The fact that he will not seek counseling indicates to me that he, too, has checked out of the marriage. My parents divorced when I was a teen. My ex left after our daughter turned 18 at the 21 year mark of our marriage. I was heartbroken as a teen, also, but time heals. I would sit down with the kid(s) (call a family meeting) and tell them (with or without your husband) that you are not happy. There is a lot at stake in a long term marriage like the house (which may be ordered sold), retirement and assets. I recommend you visit a Family Lawyer for a consultation. Sometimes the first visit is free.

I went through the same thing. I was married for many years but I was not happy My parents loved him but there was nothing between us. we never talked or went anywhere. Despite what my friends and family thought I needed to do what was best for me. I did not want to wake up in 10 years having wasted any more time. It was scary and honestly I struggled but I am now the happiest I have ever been.