Hello
I have been married 27 years. We have two grown children who adore their Dad and tell me I'm pathetic.
I am a manic depressive, have been for years. We moved from the UK to France so that I didn't have to work and so that my husband could be with me to look after me. After 6 months he had to return to the UK to work and I was left with the children. He came home for one week every month.
We have horses, a dog, and cats. He tries to provide us with what we need but has fallen ill and is now off work permanently. He thinks it is ME but it hasn't been diagnosed. We are both on antidepressants.
I have had to work in France and managed to hold down a job for three years. The thought of going back to work terrifies me but our daughter only has sympathy and patience for her Dad. She gets angry with me despite knowing that I have suffered with depression for over 14 years.
I had the amazing opportunity to go to Uganda last year and help at two orphanages. While I was there I went on a safari with my travel companion. She turned out to be a controlling, nasty, ***** who tried to make my holiday miserable. The tour guide ended up defending me and looking out for me. On the eve of my birthday I broke down and he looked after me.
All I can think about is leaving my husband and going to Uganda. It's not just about this man; I felt needed and respected there.
Here in France I have no friends and no one to talk to. My husband is a good man but I don't think I ever loved him. I think I loved the idea of love and a family.
I feel horribly selfish but I spend most days crying. My family loves him (sometimes I think they'd have been happier if he'd married my sister) and I think I'd lose everyone if I left. I still want to leave.
I'm torn in half. If I stay, others will be happy. If I leave everyone will be miserable except me. I have left him for a few days so many times, and each time it gets harder to go back.
Nobody has any advice, help or even criticisms?
I really am alone. I thought someone would offer help. Maybe I should contact the Samaritans instead. Thanks and goodbye
I've dealt with depression, too, although it sounds like you've had it really bad. I would suggest that you be selfish and go see a therapist for yourself, /before/ you make any big life changes. Maybe you've done so in the past and it hasn't worked, but I think you should try again. This situation is different, and a therapist could help you talk out your choices and help you make a solid decision. This isn't something you can just take the advice of a stranger about. It will have to be your decision and talking about all the pros and cons might help. Plus, there may be new treatment options for your condition that you could consider. I know how overwhelming it is and I so despise using the phone when I'm depressed, so I know what I'm asking from you as a depressed person. I just think that you deserve to be well, and that you should be well before making such a critical decision. Remember, though, that you could always leave later, or you can always come back. Neither decision has to be permanent, and you could decide that you'll make the decision in a year, or six months, or next month.... Best of luck!