Hi my name is Lindsay. I have been married for almost two years... we got married after meeting in Hawaii while I was already currently living there and married to another man. He promised me that he wouldnt leave me after i left my husband, he used such amazing words to convince me to come and be with him. I did, I left my husband and partner of six years ( A ) because I had fallen in love with ( D ). We moved with the navy a few months after we met fell in love and got married. Before we left I had voiced my concern about the fact we were going back to a place where he had lived while he was single and had many many connections to old ties, he promised up and down that marriage was extremely serious to him and that he had found what he had been searching for. Three months after moving to this new place, I found out he had been online dating ( again) and talking to MANY many woman in a extremely sexually graphic way, even sending videos back and forth with them while i was sitting in therapy with him trying to figure out why he wasnt wanting to be intimate with me. I tried to leave him but he begged me not to and that he was going to try and fix it and start seeking therapy for his own problems. I had an issue with cutting myself after every time he cheated ( online dating or actually cheating ) and just two months ago he came out and said that he was leaving me because I cut my leg up. Saying that he was turned off because of the "crazy" that he had seen. We continued therapy while being separated in different parts of the house, while he was promising that he wasnt onine dating again ( he once told me the reason he liked online dating was because " I like messing with peoples lives" ) just to come to find out he was talking to a ton of girls again and he had changed his passwords to everything and also created a new email account that I didn't know about so he could go onto sites without me being able to search his email on the site. He has been so 100 % on getting the divorce, but we have had to continue being married because I am having back surgery in January and I need his health insurance. Two days ago in therapy, by the end of the session he said " I really think we can work this out and stay together" we had THE BEST day reconnecting sexually, emotionally and we just had a great day. Yesterday he said " I dont want to keep confusing myself, you keep convincing me to fall back in love with you and stay when I know i want to leave " I feel like he keeps reeling me in and then throwing me out over and over and I do love him and I am more than willing to stay and try to work it out because I truly do believe that when we get through this part we will be SO Much better off. He said yesterday that he " isnt attracted to me the way he wants to be attracted to the person he is married to... that he just doesnt lust for me anymore ' and i keep trying to tell him that the lust will always fade, and if he wants to continue with someone where the lust is still there he will be doing exactly what he was doing before... jumping from one person to the next just to get that LUST fix and he will never find someone who can forgive him for his faults over and over while continuing to try and work with him to make him into this man he WANTS to be. Im just really struggling with the fact that when we got married we both were very clear that no matter what happened divorce wasnt an option. He says he wants to be with me he just doesnt know how, and i mentioned that maybe he has some deep rooted commitment issues and he said " well how do i even fix that" and I said " well therapy, and alot of work..."
I just don't even know what to do. I believe that the first year is the hardest thing, and we both created the chaos that is causing him to want to leave but he also has some huge issues that are making him want to run.
Im just heartbroken over and over because of being given hope and then having him go back and forth taking it away.
we agreed yesterday that we shouldnt make any definitive decisions on what we are going to do, we should just go with the slow and with the flow