I am terrified beyond belief. My ex was the bread winner throughout our entire marriage and controlled all of the finances. Because of this, I'm left struggling while he has himself a lawyer and a comfy bachelor life.

I take care of our two young children by myself and always have due to his neglect and abandonment throughout the years. My ex husband was physically and mentally abusive. He did things like turn off my phone when he was angry, turn off my debit card, break my computer, etc. In order to keep me in line and control me. He also hit and choked me several times throughout the marriage. I was isolated from all family and had really no friends and because of this in felt trapped. I had nowhere to go and I was afraid to tell the truth. He also had an affair while I was pregnant with our 2nd child and he willingly chose to miss the birth of our child simply to spite me. My ex is a horrible person and every day I am filled with disgust at myself that I allowed myself and my children today remain in such a dangerous and toxic situation for so long. The woman I am today would have never stayed.

I have court tomorrow and I as frightened. He bought himself the best lawyer and he is demanding extended time alone with the children that he's barely even seen since they have been alive. He is blatantly lying to the courts claiming that he was never abusive and that I was the reason he never saw the kids which is a full out lie. I literally begged him to care for the children, to see them or at least ask about them. He chose not to. Now he is lying about everything he's ever said or done and he has a paid professional helping him along the way.

This is exactly what I feared. This is why women stay in abusive marriages longer than they should. The men have all the power financially and physically and we wives who gave up out lives for our families are left struggling and stressing while these men continue on about their days without a care in the world.

I need advice, support, reassurance. I fear for my babies and I fear for out financial future because he is also looking to reduce his child support which already barely makes a difference. I feel so defeated already. Everyone I've spoken to in the professional field has made it clear to me that the one with the lawyer is the one that wins. I'm sick to my stomach. What do I do? Where do I turn?

I hear about a story like yours once a month and its so frustrating because no woman should be left without resources...especially when they have children. I was raised to understand the value of education and hard work and I would never rely on any man to take care of me financially. Men only have the power if you willingly hand it over to them and then foolishly expect them to do the right thing. Power imbalances in relationships....especially financial ones...are generally a very, very bad idea. Prince Charming doesn't actually exist in real life.

I truly hope going forward, you've learned that as an adult and a mom, you can't rely on anyone else to take care of you. Its your responsibility and you have to earn your own living and empower yourself to have the dignity of self-reliance.

Now that the bed's been made, here's what I would suggest:
1. Call the nearest women's shelter to you and tell them about your situation. Ask them for contact information for legal aid. You are absolutely eligible for any resources in your community for low-income earning women. Your local shelter should be able to help direct you where you need to go to get some help.
2. If you don't have police reports documenting abuse....don't bother to go this route in court. If you've never filed a police report and restraining order, you simply have no actual evidence. You only have hearsay testimony, which during a divorce proceeding, simply sounds like vindictiveness. If you have police reports, then immediately submit them as evidence and go this route in your affidavit.
3. Figure out how to work out a fair parenting relationship with your ex. The reality is that he's these children's father and unless you have proof of documented abuse against you and the children, you have no basis to deny him fair access to the kids. A lot of the things that you're upset about will be irrelevant in court, especially when it comes to child custody...ie. past extra-marital affairs. Unless you can directly show that your ex is a threat to the children with REAL evidence, its probably not going to fly. The reality is the way the court sees it is that his bad relationship with you has nothing to do with his ability to parent his own children...unless you have evidence to the contrary. And courts care about the best interest of the children which is to have an equal relationship with both parents. Also, what he did in the past with regard to the kids has little to do with how he might parent them going forward. Parental roles change after divorce and the courts will consider this as well.
4. Are you working now? If not, start looking for a job. You won't be able to rely on your ex paying anything on time or for long...and you've already lived that life. You sound extremely intelligent and articulate and you can absolutely have the pride of being self-reliant.

The biggest piece of advice is to forget about your ex and about his personal life. He doesn't matter. You matter and the thing you need to concentrate on is your current life and your kids and becoming solid and whole. Everyone makes mistakes and yours had nothing to do with your ex and everything to do with you and the choices you made...OWN THAT...because when you do, you can fix it. When you know better, you do better...and now you know better. You no longer have to be a participant in your own victimization, you can be whoever you want to be. Let go of the fear and the weakness and become the woman you're supposed to be...its the best gift you can give to your children. A proud, self-reliant, strong, empowered, happy mom.

My very best wishes to you!

Diana: I would call the Domestic Violence Hotline for help. It may be he wants more time with the kids in hopes of getting custody of them so he won't have to pay child support. Once he sees what is involved in caring for kids and based on the lack of time he's spent with the kids in the past, he may back off after a while. I agree with the other poster about getting legal aid and a job. If you need child care, see about getting voucher (Government help) in paying for child care. Also, the Boys and Girls Clubs of America and the YMCA offer school aged child care. Visit your local Unemployment Office and/or anti poverty agency to see about jobs/job training. Lots of women of all ages are getting training to care for/do errands for the elderly in their homes. A man like this should not be caring for his kids alone. Since he insists on seeing them, see about supervised visitation because, as you say, he is abusive and neglectful.

Get a lawyer. It's an investment that will pay dividends. The lawyer is there to help you navigate the laws so you can get paid alimony and child support. Family law is structured to first give women custody and then give you alimony and child support to pay you to raise the children. Then, with TANF and WIC, the state will give you support. Use the abuse to get a domestic violence order against him to seal the deal - judges throw the book at men who abuse, even if it's just an accusation, that's enough. That simple. I haven't worked in several years and my ex husband is furious! The state garnishes his paycheck and it goes directly into my account, tax free. Just don't get re-married because you'll lose money and might have to get a job.