HI all - ok breathe in breathe out....I hardly have posted her anymore since my kids are now primary school age...but I guess from the title of this post people can guess things aren't going well.

We've been married 12 years now and have 2 kids at primary school. We both work full time, have been through uni and have pretty demanding jobs. We've been posted overseas for a while now and have a year or so to go here. So we are far from family and close friends. We are in a small community here so I can't confide in anyone here, plus this is too hard to talk about with anyone at home.

My husband and I have not been connecting well for quite a few years now. On and off we'll have a good period and some intimacy but it is such hard work for little reward. He wanted to actually leave 3 years ago but the gravity of that situation was too much for me and I convinced him to stay. I had had a tough year a work at the time and it was all too much to even consider at the time. I wonder now if that was the right decision.

The issue is he has a short fuse and angers quickly (has depression/anxiety, is medicated). I guess little things I do don't help. The thing is, is that he presents as a kind and caring, wouldn't hurt a fly type person at work and among our friends, at least for the overwhelming majority. He is actually (self-confessed) quite insecure and socially anxious and I think this is part of the reason why me and the kids tend to cop it when he is in a bad mood. The littlest thing can set him off. He becomes angry and yells at the kids, which I can see a lot of parents doing, I guess. But the thing that really worries me is that he is abusive and aggressive towards me and does it in front of them, or when they are in earshot and know what is going on. When he is worked up about something I've done (eg not stopping the kids from squabbling in the bathroom) he won't stop if he senses the slightest resistance from me to agreeing with him that I am wrong. For example, tonight the kids were squabbling in the bathroom. He had earlier had most of the bottle of wine we had with dinner and was about to fall asleep on the couch and I asked him to help me get the kids in the shower before he did go to sleep which he kind of did. Then when they started fighting and woke him up he got very angry, called one of them an idiot and was generally very aggressive. Then he criticised me loudly in front of them and when I didn't immediately agree with him that I should have intervened. He starting yelling about me talking down to him (I wasn't, just trying to calmly resist him talking like this) then he started pushing me, grabbing me and yelling in my face so much that he was spitting (not on purpose, just angry) in my face. I was just calmly telling him to stop doing all that. He locked me on the verandah but I didn't care as I knew I could get the kids to let me in. After 30 seconds though he obviously thought the better of this and unlocked the door after abusing me again. Then he went to his study and I put the kids to bed. They were both teary so I spent some time cheering them up and now he's still in his study. That's just an example, and he can behave that badly without alcohol. He doesn't usually drink anyway. This happens maybe once a month, maybe once a week, it depends. He can also get that angry at the kids.

If you are wondering if we are safe, well yes, he hasn't hit/punched me or the kids, but it is more the anger and aggression that I worry about. Of course I am worried about the impact this has on the kids. Unless I am completely submissive when he is angry he can go into a rage like he did tonight. This leaves me in the difficult position of having to decide whether to defer to him (thereby teaching my kids that is what a wife 'should' do) or calmly resisting (thereby risking him raging at me more, but not accepting his anger).

I am so scared to leave or for him to leave. I am ashamed to say that I worry what others will think. I am ashamed to say I enjoy the perceived success that comes with nice family holidays and our social group of other families. I'm afraid of losing all that and I am ashamed of that too. I know that may sound ridiculous/awful/strange but I guess I am just insecure too and that makes me feel better about myself. I feel utterly selfish for even thinking about these things when my kids have suffered.

I am worried if we split I will not cope emotionally or physically (I work so I will be ok financially) with the kids on my own, even though I assume he'd have them part of the time.

I am afraid at 40 I am too old to start again on my own. If I did leave him it would be in about 18 months or more - into my 40s.

I don't want to 'go through' a divorce, dividing things, the drama and the gossip and the pain for the kids. We both love our kids dearly. We do family things for them (and for us). Both of us are good parents (even if he does fly off the handle at them). The family home is a bit of a sanctuary for them.

But I don't know what would be worse, staying or leaving. I think I can feel this kind of relationship we have wearing down my confidence? I can't be sure but maybe...

Has anyone ever been here? I don't know if I would ever even really consider leaving. I am just so scared by it all...

Thanks for reading

I have one very simple question for you;

Is what other people think about you more important than what your own children think about you?

Here's another:

Is your children's emotional, mental and physical health more important to you than admitting to other's that you aren't June Cleaver?

I started getting divorced when I was 41...took over 5 years to finalize. It was the best thing I ever did for my children and myself. I don't give a rat's butt what anyone thinks. What's the point of other people believing you are happy and have a good family if you really don't?

Time to put on your big girl panties and realize that reality is more important than putting on a fake front for people that don't matter nearly as much as you and your children do.

This is what I've said to myself...and found my answer. You try the same. If one of my children were an adult in the future and they told you they were in this situation and asked for advice. What would you tell them to do? As your child...what would you tell them to do? Most likely you would tell them they deserved better. And if they deserved better...why isn't that what you deserve?

Hi, after I read 1/2 half your story I was thinking "get out of this relationship". It is not healthy to have your kids witness this behavior from your husband. When they get into a relationship one day they'll think that is normal and it's far from normal. You need to get some help asap. 40 is young to start over, I'm 50 and split up at 41 years old. It will be tough at first but life is short. Maybe you can go to counseling together and work on it but he needs to stop the drinking. Life is short, everyone should be happy. You deserve to be happy. Good luck and hope everything works out for you.