I'm only 38 and still in a pretty awful marriage - but I just wanted to sat that at 51 you are YOUNG. Easy for me to say I know but get yourself out as much as possible. I work with a woman who is over 60 and will only be allowed to work for another few years due to visa requirements here. She is really depressed BUT has managed to lessen this by going to as many social engagements as she possibly can. She volunteers, she helps the younger ones with their little kids. She is on the P&T board of a local school.
I know you probably have thought of this all and I don't mean to be patronising. If it isn't too much to ask - what profession are you in? And I also asked a question - how to know? Can you share any wisdom?

Hello,

Thank you for your response. I am a Social Worker and have done counseling for others in the past. I think that is why this is so hard. I just can't accept this and deal with all of the emotions I am feeling. Divorce is like a grieving process due to the loss. I am sorry to say it is worse than a death. I don't think there will be any closure for me when he and his girlfriend live in the same community. I go places all of the time. I do a lot of volunteer work and stay busy all of the time. I have met new friends and began new hobbies. I am tired of doing all of this alone. It just is not enough to fill my life and that is what I can't accept. I never wanted to be divorced and alone and that is what I have to accept.

I did read your post also. I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to go through the process, the stigma all of it and am living through this now.

I have worked in the Domestic Violence field also. I would say that even though you are safe now this is not going to improve. Behaviors that you are describing only tend to escalate. You also say that he drinks. That is not a good combination. You're husband could go for counseling but if he does not want to really change and give it an honest effort that is not going to work. I understand how badly you want your children to have a stable family, but staying for them is really not good for them or you. I think that the fact you are thinking about leaving is a positive. I think if a person at least makes the choice to leave the split is easier. I was never given the choice and it was forced on me. I think that is why my struggle is so hard also. I know this is most likely not what you wanted to hear.

I am financially secure also, but it is everything else that has to be dealt with. I look back on my marriage and realize it was never that good though. I heard myself in some of what you were saying in your post. I realize now that I made excuses for my husband all the time we were together and I should not have done that either. I can tell you that it does not get easier to get a divorce when you are older. I would have been better off if this happened years ago rather than at this stage in my life.

I hope that this helps and we can talk again. It is nice to have someone that understands.

Your professional background is very similar to mine - but I work in education. I know a only little about dv but can recognise some of the signs in me - mainly trying to stop 'setting him off' by keeping quiet, keeping the kids quiet etc. I don't do this all the time but I recognise that I have done it in the past.

This morning he hugged me voluntarily for the first time in ages (I know, remorse stage) and I said to him again that the kids were both crying the other night because of what he did. He said he knew and I asked why he hadn't admitted that earlier. He said that he was improving (meaning not flying off the handle and abusing me/us as frequently) and didn't want to beat himself up about it (the other night).

You know, even without the blow ups, I wonder if I would be better off without him. It has been about 6 months since he last pushed me, but I remember now that last weekend he stormed out of a restaurant we were in and later said it was because he hates the person I am. He doesn't mean this, (I don't think?) but even so it makes me feel sad. Maybe even less of a person. I feel I deserve better.

Someone said that it is better to be from a 'broken home' (I hate this term, it has so many negative connotations) than to watch a 'broken marriage'. This is in response to me wondering what would be better for the kids. I was reading up on data about kids from divorced parents - and in nearly all measures (future income, number of divorces etc) they score more poorly than kids from married parents.

What did your husband do over the years?

You definitely sound like you are grieving. I can imagine seeing your ex and his new gf is uncomfortable and hurtful, like a reminder of the pain. How long has it been? If it is under a year then you are in the early stages, from talking to people and reading about it. Let me again remind you though that you are well and truly young enough to find a new partner. Don't be discouraged about the lack of web dating responses. Try a new site - be specific about the ages of those you search for. There will be a guy in his 50s out there that would love to meet you for coffee, you just need to stay on your feet long enough to find him.

I am pleased you responded, I hope we can talk more too.

Pat,
I will be 49 years old next month and this past March marked two years since I have been divorced. I was married for 25 1/2 years and sacrificed a lot for my ex and my family. I feel you did too. My ex cheated on me with a younger woman and basically threw me away. I was married at 21 years old and gave up many of my dreams for my marriage. I was in the Army reserves when we go married but he didn't support me going away a few times a year when we had our two children so I finished out my time and gave up my military dream. I wanted four children but he was angry when I became pregnant a second time so that was something else I gave up. I have many instances were I sacrificed my wants so my family could be happy. He didn't try to hid his affair and after several months of waiting for him to come to his senses I asked for a divorce. These are his exact words to me after almost 26 years of marriage, "I'm so this had to happen, are you going to take my pension and sue me for alimony"? Can you believe those were his worries? I stayed in the same house with him for eight more months after telling him I wanted a divorce so I could pay off shared bills and save enough to move (our children are both adults). My first goal after my divorce and my move into my own apartment was to figure out who I was. I didn't know. I also decided to live the life I should have lived many years ago. I go out with friends and alone. I travel to fun places. I journal my thoughts every day and I'm learning what I like and truly who I am as an individual. I dated my ex as a teenager so I never got to experience life and develop me. I have not tried to date because I needed to learn who I am before I can bring anything to a relationship. So many people in my life have tried to set me up on dates and I have declined because I am too busy learning to like myself. My favorite thing about being divorced is, no one is breaking my heart on a daily basis anymore. I will date on day and I don't agree with you about it being too late. This is my last year in my 40s and I feel like I have just begun. One more thing, throughout the divorce I was in school for my second degree and I just graduated April 30th. There is so much more living for us to do. Make plans, save up for trips, try new things, but most of all, move forward. You are going to make it through this.
Brandi

Hello Brandi,
Thank you for your kind words. I do know what you mean about giving up things for the marriage. Congratulations on your degree! That is great news!!! I do agree with you that for a lot of women they are able to do things that they never did while they were married and this can be liberating for them. My situation was a little different. I was able to finish school while I was married. My husband told me when he met his new girlfriend, " I don't want to be married to a professional. I want to be with low lifes." How do you respond to that? My husband never cared what I did so I was able to go with my friends and do what I wanted so that has not changed. We never did anything as a couple and I was basically ignored. I guess I am in a different place with wanting to have a real relationship with someone who wants to spend time with me. It would be nice to have someone to go out to dinner with and spend time with. I got married when I was 21 also. We never even took a vacation in all of that time. My husband would not even attend my graduation ceremony when I received my Masters Degree so I did not attend the ceremony. I do not have any friends who are not married or in a relationship either. I find it interesting that people want to set you up on dates. I live in a small community and no one I know would ever even consider doing that for me. I will try to remember what you said about things to look forward to!!! I am glad you are able to have a favorite thing about being divorced. I am not in that place at this time. I find it interesting being able to talk to all of you on this site. I know what you mean about being thrown out. I was also and no one seems to understand that when I say that. Thank you for your help.