Your professional background is very similar to mine - but I work in education. I know a only little about dv but can recognise some of the signs in me - mainly trying to stop 'setting him off' by keeping quiet, keeping the kids quiet etc. I don't do this all the time but I recognise that I have done it in the past.

This morning he hugged me voluntarily for the first time in ages (I know, remorse stage) and I said to him again that the kids were both crying the other night because of what he did. He said he knew and I asked why he hadn't admitted that earlier. He said that he was improving (meaning not flying off the handle and abusing me/us as frequently) and didn't want to beat himself up about it (the other night).

You know, even without the blow ups, I wonder if I would be better off without him. It has been about 6 months since he last pushed me, but I remember now that last weekend he stormed out of a restaurant we were in and later said it was because he hates the person I am. He doesn't mean this, (I don't think?) but even so it makes me feel sad. Maybe even less of a person. I feel I deserve better.

Someone said that it is better to be from a 'broken home' (I hate this term, it has so many negative connotations) than to watch a 'broken marriage'. This is in response to me wondering what would be better for the kids. I was reading up on data about kids from divorced parents - and in nearly all measures (future income, number of divorces etc) they score more poorly than kids from married parents.

What did your husband do over the years?

You definitely sound like you are grieving. I can imagine seeing your ex and his new gf is uncomfortable and hurtful, like a reminder of the pain. How long has it been? If it is under a year then you are in the early stages, from talking to people and reading about it. Let me again remind you though that you are well and truly young enough to find a new partner. Don't be discouraged about the lack of web dating responses. Try a new site - be specific about the ages of those you search for. There will be a guy in his 50s out there that would love to meet you for coffee, you just need to stay on your feet long enough to find him.

I am pleased you responded, I hope we can talk more too.

Pat,
I will be 49 years old next month and this past March marked two years since I have been divorced. I was married for 25 1/2 years and sacrificed a lot for my ex and my family. I feel you did too. My ex cheated on me with a younger woman and basically threw me away. I was married at 21 years old and gave up many of my dreams for my marriage. I was in the Army reserves when we go married but he didn't support me going away a few times a year when we had our two children so I finished out my time and gave up my military dream. I wanted four children but he was angry when I became pregnant a second time so that was something else I gave up. I have many instances were I sacrificed my wants so my family could be happy. He didn't try to hid his affair and after several months of waiting for him to come to his senses I asked for a divorce. These are his exact words to me after almost 26 years of marriage, "I'm so this had to happen, are you going to take my pension and sue me for alimony"? Can you believe those were his worries? I stayed in the same house with him for eight more months after telling him I wanted a divorce so I could pay off shared bills and save enough to move (our children are both adults). My first goal after my divorce and my move into my own apartment was to figure out who I was. I didn't know. I also decided to live the life I should have lived many years ago. I go out with friends and alone. I travel to fun places. I journal my thoughts every day and I'm learning what I like and truly who I am as an individual. I dated my ex as a teenager so I never got to experience life and develop me. I have not tried to date because I needed to learn who I am before I can bring anything to a relationship. So many people in my life have tried to set me up on dates and I have declined because I am too busy learning to like myself. My favorite thing about being divorced is, no one is breaking my heart on a daily basis anymore. I will date on day and I don't agree with you about it being too late. This is my last year in my 40s and I feel like I have just begun. One more thing, throughout the divorce I was in school for my second degree and I just graduated April 30th. There is so much more living for us to do. Make plans, save up for trips, try new things, but most of all, move forward. You are going to make it through this.
Brandi

Hello Brandi,
Thank you for your kind words. I do know what you mean about giving up things for the marriage. Congratulations on your degree! That is great news!!! I do agree with you that for a lot of women they are able to do things that they never did while they were married and this can be liberating for them. My situation was a little different. I was able to finish school while I was married. My husband told me when he met his new girlfriend, " I don't want to be married to a professional. I want to be with low lifes." How do you respond to that? My husband never cared what I did so I was able to go with my friends and do what I wanted so that has not changed. We never did anything as a couple and I was basically ignored. I guess I am in a different place with wanting to have a real relationship with someone who wants to spend time with me. It would be nice to have someone to go out to dinner with and spend time with. I got married when I was 21 also. We never even took a vacation in all of that time. My husband would not even attend my graduation ceremony when I received my Masters Degree so I did not attend the ceremony. I do not have any friends who are not married or in a relationship either. I find it interesting that people want to set you up on dates. I live in a small community and no one I know would ever even consider doing that for me. I will try to remember what you said about things to look forward to!!! I am glad you are able to have a favorite thing about being divorced. I am not in that place at this time. I find it interesting being able to talk to all of you on this site. I know what you mean about being thrown out. I was also and no one seems to understand that when I say that. Thank you for your help.