Hi, i need some advice for those of you who have kids. We have filed for divorce about a month ago. We still live in the same house with our child (13 year old). While she knows that things are rocky--her dad and I have been living as room mates for the last few years, we tolerate each other but don't do anything as a family for years now,-it is still hard to sit down with her to tell her the "plan". People keep telling I need a plan and i need to communicate it to her. Problem is, dad is resentful and makes everything about him. I am scared to death of conflict and confrontation, so have been delaying sitting with him to talk about how we will proceed from now on and communicate to our daughter. my ideal situation would be to move out of the house with my child, to a location that is closer to her school by august. ive expressed no desire in keeping the house but my husband is already fighting over how to divide the equity on the house. he wants to base the equity on the original price of the house and not whatever appraised value we get. Go figure! This is the kind of disappointing behavior I need to deal with.

Anyway, i have started documenting our assets. But he has done nothing to document his. Long story...he does not want to get divorced and blames me for everything. it looks like the separation of assets and divorce agreements will take longer than i'd like. but i need to get out of here.... what plan can i have to communicate to our daughter if we ourselves have not talked? Any suggestions on how to deal with this?

To make matters worst, my daughter is going through severe depression--we have mental illness in both of our families-and this is complicating things. for my daughter's sake, staying in the house may be better than uprooting her to another location. she is already depressed. however, staying in the house is a burden for me: the location of the house, maintenance, etc is too much for me. Having my daughter stay in the house with her dad and me in another place is out of the question. Dad has already started disconnecting from her, arguing that he is going through a lot of pain, and since i am the primary caregiver and i am close to my daughter, he feels not welcomed. Thus, he minimally initiates any opportunities to "hang out" with his daughter. Instead, on weekdays and weekends he hangs out with his friends to pursue his music passion. He has put all responsibilities on me (except the house bills, etc.), blames me for everything. Says I have made him miserable for all these years, and that i am making him miserable for not telling our daughter. This is the kind of person i have to deal with.

Based on this situation, i need ideas on how to proceed, and what "plan" to communicate to our daughter. It needs to be soon-within the next 2 weeks or so if we want to move out by beginning of august.

Star: My parents divorced when I was 19 and my ex left and divorced me when our daughter was 18. I told her not to get wrapped up in what we were doing and enjoy her life. I wish my parents had told me to do this. If your child is not already in counseling, I suggest this, if you have insurance to cover it, or, if you don't, have her see the guidance counselor at school. I suggest at least getting a consultation with a Family Lawyer. Sometimes the first visit is free. Many times a Judge will order the house sold. A good Lawyer would never recommend you keep a house you cannot afford to maintain. It does not matter if he doesn't want the divorce, if you want it it will happen if you make it.

Hi, visit a lawyer even if you have to pay you'll be paying for one sooner or later. Get your child in counselling if not already. I think living in a home with parents who are not showing love to each other is worse than splitting up. Tell your husband that you plan to sit with your daughter and explain what is happening. He should be able to do this with you and neither of you should blame each other and make sure that you both explain that you both lover your daughter and that it's not her fault at all. Most judges like shared custody because the child gets to visit both parents equally which a child needs to do. She maybe at the age where she can decide who she wants to live with. If she decides to go with you then you'll want to make sure that she visits her dad regularly every other weekend and maybe a day or two per week for a couple hour visit. It will be tough not to say bad things about the ex in front of your child but please do not do this as your child loves you both and the parent who says bad things will make the child like that parent less. Vent with your friends or family if you need to.
At the end of the day you both want your child to feel the love from
you both. Also it's not a competition of who can buy the most gifts for your daughter. An ice cream and walk in the park or drive to now where is best as you get to spend time talking to your daughter.

Good luck. It's a tough road but everyone deserves to be happy. I talk from experience, divorced now 9 years

I am experiencing a similar situation. Just posted about it. I don't understand why husbands act so nasty when it comes to separation or divorce. I'm not asking for any child support money, all I want is for us to co-parent in peace. Mine is making my like miserable and I cannot wait to sign this lease!!

Star-

I hope this post does not come to late... Your sound like a great mom. I had a similar conversation today with my daughter- I told her I loved her and I am doing what is best for all of us long term. It may be hard but she will always have two parents that love her and will be there for her always. It is not her fault - sometimes people care about each other but can't live together.

I know my daughter saw our unhappiness and it hurt her to see us hurt each other. I like to think I am teaching her that happiness is important and each of us deserves it and can attain it if we are brave enough. Divorce takes courage - especially as a mother who is always trying to put others before herself. Your happiness will give her more happiness. She will see a mother who values herself and hopefully this translates into her valuing herself.

I personally- am in a similar situation- I have been married 22 years am on the brink of asking my husband for divorce. I am trying to muster up this courage I speak of because I really believe it is true. I stayed for soooo long because I thought I was doing the right thing for my kids. I heard my daughter tell her firend the other day that "My parents hate each other so much -I can't stand it" What a wake up call- I was wrong- kids know...

I wish you the best of luck- Please let me know what happens.