So I've been married to my husband almost 11 years now.. I got married young and he's 6 years older than me. He's always been the quiet one where I'm the outgoing one. 2+ years ago I knew something was going on and I confronted him, he told me he was unhappy and said it was work and our recent move to a new city, but I still knew something was up and he told me he was talking to another girl online, but that was it. I tried to make it work but he said a few months later that he was still unhappy and there was nothing in our marriage ever that made him happy. I walked out for a few months and stayed with friends and family and then came back and we decided to make it work and we were good, we celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary and I gave it my all and I thought he was too. Then in november of this past year one of the "girls" he was talking to in the past spammed with me all kinds of crap about the things he was saying about me, and instead of explaining himself, he got defensive, at this time I kept trying but in my heart I knew it was the end of our relationship. We have always been great friends and but in my heart I knew my love for him was starting to change. In feb of this year I saw some stuff on Instagram and confronted him again, he swore up and down it was someone else trying to ruin us, and said he only wanted me, blah blah blah.. and I was finally able to put the past behind us and trying to move on. In May i saw him fully pull away and it was officially like living with my best friend and not a husband, and not what I deserved. We decided to divorce, which is something I told him going in I didn't believe in, and that we would always stay friends.. but he swears up and down he talked to all these woman because he doesn't think he can feel real love for anyone, and he loves me but isn't "in love" with me, and he likes how he can pretend to be someone else with these people as well. It hurts to know that I spent so many years with someone who only loved me, and basically saw me as the friend I was before we started dating, and never gave me all of himself.. I am trying to tell my heart what my brain already knows.. that we really have been friends for the past few years.. but it hurts. Each day I get stronger, but at the same time, I pushed so many people out of my life to try to fix our relationship that I feel so alone and I don't have family of my own, I've only had his for hte past 12 years.. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing staying his friend, because like I said he's been my friend for so long.. I'm lost and confused and I don't know what to do...

Wow...I feel like you just wrote my story. Except we are going on 23 yrs. Right down to the reasons of "can be someone else with others" and "I don't think I can really love anyone"
I don't have any advice to really give as we just decided this weekend to move forward with divorce. We arent rushing, as we have 2 kids. One in college and one starting this fall.
I started to pull back from everyone too...I call it my bubble. And yeah it does feel lonely as I always considered my husband my friend and the ultimate confidant.
Don't know if it helps, but I am planning to seek therapy with someone who is also a life coach. Because after being a work at home mom for 20 years, I know big changes are going to be needed and the one I usually work things out with is not a good choice anymore. No matter how much he says he will be there for me...which I know he means...but yeah..no Thank you. Lol
Good Luck to you and know that I think you are a wonderful person for not giving up. Keep strong!

Thank you for your words, and I'm sorry you're going through the same thing.. it sucks! I'm now in a worse situation.. I stopped by the house yesterday (he knew I was going to be there) to pick up some more things.. and saw another womans stuff there.. I'm now spiraling back down when I thought I was starting to do better.. Now I'm not sure what to do.. I just want to curl up and cry.. How can someone who says we are friends and doesn't want a relationship, have a girls overnight bag in my house already? And then have the audacity to text and ask me if I got everything I needed knowing I saw it? I've been going back and forth from raging, crying, and wanting to call him and then wanting to push him out of my life all together. I know things weren't perfect, I know we've basically just been friends for years now.. but if we agreed to be honest with each other, why couldn't he have prepared me for this? Was he really just that stupid and didn't think about it? I don't know what to believe.. and you're right.. the person I want to talk to is the one I can't anymore.. I need to find someone and I don't know how to do that anymore.. things have changed so much over the years where finding friends and people to count on isn't the same anymore.. this is the worst feeling in the world..

ccf: The whole "I love you but I'm not in love with you" means he is interested in other women in some way. This I have heard of before, especially when men were having affairs and telling their wives. The Judges are not fond of the Internet, Instagram, etc., since it wreaks havoc with relationships and their job dealing with it. A "real" man doesn't do this if there is true love. I hope you can get a Lawyer and move on. It is hard to stay friends with someone in a situation like this. If it is hurting you, I would urge you not to do it. I know people who have tried this and there is always tension and sometimes they don't want that person around.

Thank you Lara, it is hard, and I struggle daily with my feelings for him.. I have reached the point where I no longer reach out to him, especially after this past weekend.. It's just so hard especially after him being the rock and the person I went to for everything good, bad or indifferent for years, especially the past few when I pushed so many people away to concentrate on us. Now I'm trying to fix the broken relationships and trying to move on, if he chooses to stay in my life as a friend, that's up to him, but it will definitely be on my terms as I'm over his lies, and the hurt he's caused me, granted it's up and down as each day my feelings changed. I wish I could flash forward a few months and be over the feelings I feel now. I'm so glad I found this page and people who are going through the same thing.

I just found this forum and wow, the first posts I come across could almost be written by me and my circumstances. I heard the "I love you but I am not in love with you anymore" crap too. This after 30 years of marriage. I am angry, bitter and worst of all, hurt more than words can say. I think I am starting to heal, then wham, it all rushes back. I will start some counseling today, just to help me cope with the feelings, the rejection. I too have to build some relationships, a hard thing for me as I am 68 years old with no close friends. I will make it through this but I want to be over it fast, I want the pain to stop. I do not wish this on anyone of you, but the sharing here lets me know that what I am feeling is normal.

Lanie, I'm so sorry, it sucks and some days are so much better than others, you're right.. yesterday was such a good day, then BAM I was walking through walmart, just because I wanted to get out of the apartment for a while and I just started crying for no reason. I need to find friends, or something to get my mind off of all of this.. rebuilding a life after knowing one thing for so long is hard and I don't even know where to start. I also started therapy, but went with the TalkSpace route as I found it's so much easier to just go online and message my therapist whenever I needed to. It has been so theraputic and and even in the five days I've been on there it's been helpful, sure there has been some days where I was like what am I even doing? But I know in my head I will be stronger because of this, I just wish my heart will catch up. I just don't know how to grieve my marriage and what now seems the loss of mh best friend as well

Hi Lanie-

I am sorry for what you are going through... I have been married 22 years and am trying to muster the courage to initiate the divorce. My husband knows I am unhappy and am mainly staying for the kids. He has said in the past "If you dont like it -leave.. because I'm not!" I think you would call this Intimidation!!!

I am so sad some days. I'm fine as long as Im busy but when I get in the car to drive to work I just cry..

I totally understand what you said about friends- I have realized my world was built around my husband and the kids. I didnt have time to socialize or did so with married couples. My instinct in to keep my emotions in because I'm embarrased and ashamed I have lived with the abuse for so long.

We will get through this! The anger, loniliness and hurt are necessary to push us to make a change for the better.

Take Care

P.