Hi! I have been married for 22 years- We have been unhappy roomates for a least 5 years. I have been like a puppy looking for approval for our whole marrige. I thought if I did more he would love and value me at some point. It has never happened. Having kids has filled that void for a long time... Now they are getting older- One going off to college in the Fall the other in two more years.

I cannot bear to be here anymore... I have seen a lawyer and got a financial picture. My lawyer is just waiting for me to mail in the retainer... I am afraid how my husband will react but I have so much anxiety over doing nothing.

My husband knows the marrige is "dead" in his words and he says if I don;t like it - leave because he is not... He is intimidating me and I am allowing it. I keep telling myself "I am choosing to stay" I am so sad at what I expected our marrige could be and ashamed for doing nothing for so long.

He has said we can divorce when my son graduates in 2 years and sell the house. Agian he is dictating how I live. The resentment and anger I have - along with tons of sadness and crying is overwelming...

The thought of losing the home my children were born in, his family, our friends keeps me paralyzed.

I need advice- how do you get the courage to serve the papers? Should I just ripe the band aid off and do it?? One moment I'm doing it and then the next a voice says "Are you crazy??"

Thanks for any help.

Patrice: Research the divorce laws in your State. You may be able to keep your home if you can afford to take care of it. If he has enough money to move on......Talk with him about college costs. I had a Family Lawyer. They are best when kids are involved - even full-time college kids like ours were. I got the house. He got his retirement. I was married for 21 years. His family did speak to me when our daughter got married, but I was not invited to my nephew's engagement party (they broke up anyway). I've never had one private message from them answered on Facebook. Our marriage died around the 10 year mark due to his Autism. Ask the Lawyer what will be at stake in terms of losses for you and the kids before you file so you know what's ahead.

Thank you so much Lara for your advice! It is so nice to know other women out there with the same issues. It is crazy to think how many years I just put my happiness aside- I felt like I am a mother first and keeping the family together was #1. This thought still lives in my head!! I need to follow my instincts and do it!

Do it now while you can still get child support out of him. And depending on state, you can get him to pay you as long is the kids are in college. Women who are educated and utilize all the laws and the ingrained sympathies of the court can get enough of their ex-husbands paycheck that they don't have to work. It will be important to get the judge to require him to move out and grant you custody (they usually do). If there's any domestic violence, that will be easy. Judges usually consider the women to be the victim - you need to leverage that. Then you'll be sitting pretty. Then there's alimony for you. And at least half his retirement. Plenty of ways for you to make money out of this. He'll be forced to pay - the laws are constructed to make it easy for women. Just don't get re-married - that will reduce your you money (boyfriends are OK).

I've been here and I'm still there (some what). I'm separated and my husband moves out Aug 11. I too spent 2 years humming and hawing over it all. My life felt miserable. I was raising our second child (alone pretty well he was no help) and each night I'd cry and feel like I can't leave my marriage and break up my family. I tried making it better and things never got better. I've only been married 5 years and I decided that I will not live this way forever. I don't want to be married for over 20years and find out later I wasted all of my time being in an unhappy marriage when I could have been enjoying this precious life we have.

My parents have been married for over 40 years so divorce, to me, was never going to happen. I'm sad. Extremely sad. But, I know my broken heart will mend and I'll be glad I left an unhappy marriage. This decision to end your marriage has to come from within. I had a Best Friend I could confide in and she helped me through it all. In your heart, you know what you want to do. You've just been married so long, it's a scary step to take. You've been to a lawyer already...you want to end it. So I say go for it and send that retainer in.

I admire you Cassie! Good for you trusting your instincts and ending an unhappy situation.

You are absolutely right- you dont want to wake up 20+ years later in an unhappy marrige. My parents were married 42 years - my husbands family NO divorces. You basically suck it up!! I told my fiercly religious father - "I was wrong to stay married for the kids" I truely mean that! As hard as it is because we are women and inside we want to keep the family together- Your unhappiness will spread all over your family. I have seen this first hand...

Now - there is the guilt of messing up kids because I allowed the marrige to continue. I told my daughter recently that I'm sorry- I really thought I was doing the right thing. Bottom line: I didnt trust and act on my instincts. You are-- You should be very proud of yourself. Good Luck!!!

Patrice, here's the one-two process to survive and thrive in your divorce First, file for divorce. Second, file a Restraining Order. Just go to your police station. They will advise you. Just say the truth. How you think he may hurt you. How he looks at you in a menacing manner. You feel threatened by him. Keep it general and nothing that can be disproven, i.e., he punched me in the face. The restraining order is almost automatic and will ruin his life. He will be consumed by it. He may be ordered to pay for the upkeep of your marital home while he's living in some dirtbag motel. Just make stuff up. See a divorce lawyer. The divorce lawyer will be able to make motions and use delaying tactics to keep the Restraining Order in place forever. Please file the Restraining Order and let us know how you make out.