Firstly, Hi to you all.

I stumbled across this board whilst looking to the internet for some solutions and just needed to vent to people who understand.

I am having a very hard time with my ex, we were not married but for all intents and purposes this is like a divorce. We have young children, own a house together and built a business together (which he has now taken full control over).

During our 13 year relationship, we was controlling and abusive. 2 years ago he began cheating on me with one particular girl (I say girl because she is 25 years his junior and 11 years younger than me, she still lives at home with her mum!)

During that time his behaviour became worse, he would threaten me constantly with violence, blame me for everything that was wrong in his life and make comments about my weight, saying I was fat (I weigh 120lbs) and my looks, there was an incident in which he held me off my feet by my neck! It was a very depressing and stressful time for me.

7 months ago I had finally had enough, we blew up in a huge argument when I asked him to leave and I ended up calling the police and having him removed from the property. At the beginning I felt a huge sense of relief, slowly began waking up from the fog I was in and doing things for me. I even started to date again, but unfortunately a great new relationship ended because his ex wife was as bad as mine and he gave in to the threats she was making :(

The trouble I'm having now is that his controlling and manipulative behaviour has slowly escalated, he demands to see the children whenever it suits him, he's become Mr "Fun Time" dad, buying them extravagant gifts every time they go out, there is no discipline or structure when they are with him which makes a battle for me more and more as I am starting to be seen as the "wicked witch". If I take them out for the day or there is a day when he doesn't see them, he will bombard me with texts, if I don't answer them he will do other things to try and get my attention. I have tried discussing any concerns I have in an adult way but he ends up blowing up and making threats of violence again.

He takes them out with this girl, whom he is still seeing. I have been very lenient in allowing this as she does not seem to pose any problem with them. He also never used to take them out on his own when we were together as he couldn't handle them, so I figured if they are having better days, it works in their favour. However, the other day my eldest had told me she claimed they were getting married (which they are not), she said she was going to be my sons "new" family. Of course this got my back up and when I confronted my ex and expressed that I wasn't happy, he told me she would beat me up if I confronted her! He also claimed she had not said that but that my son had asked if he could call her mum, which she replied "no because your mum wouldn't be happy with you if you did that" - again I am the wicked witch!

I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place, if I say nothing, he tries to control me further and when I do say anything he ends up causing a huge argument and threatening me again.

There are so many more examples of his behaviour but I would need months to tell you everything, this is just scratching the surface.

I am going to start seeing a counsellor next week but I just feel like this is a never ending prison sentence and I can't see my way out of it. I am beginning to feel depressed, lonely and anxious all the time. I never realised how hard the aftermath would be, you think it's all going to magically get better but it just seems as bad, if not worse, as when I was living with him.

Please tell me it gets better... if you are on the other side of similar situations and have any advice I would be so grateful.

x

Ingenue-

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. You don;t deserve it!
Your Ex totally sounds like he is trying to mess with youe head.

What can you do?? Counseling is great- It puts things in perspective and makes you see it is NOT you. You have to find a place in your head where they can't get to you... Your kids love you! And it sucks your Ex and his girl friend take pleasure in your pain. People can really suck!

Don't let yourself become isoloated- talk to people you can trust- Vent to them but stay calm with Ex. Maybe- he will get bored with his stupid games!

Post again- I want to know how its going!

Hi, My suggestion is to get a restraining order against him and his girlfriend. Find someone either a friend or a family member that can be the middle man between you and them. File for custody of the children with the courts that spells out a scheduled parenting plan with time for both parents, That way he can't play mind games with you about when he sees the children. The courts will see right through his abusive ways.

Once the restraining order is granted, He will no longer be allowed to contant you (and if he does, keep a journal of it and file a contempt case against him or call the police). If needed change your phone number. Make sure everyone has a copy of the restraining order.. Childrens schools, Your place of employment, the local police department and a close friend or family member.

As far as the children go... Children see things that we adults don't think they do. Keep your karma straight when it comes to the children. When they grow up, They will see the truth and realize who did what. Don't try to beat the dad with anything. Eventually, The father will hang himself with the children. Stay strong and keep your head up. Just concentrate on keeping your rules and boundries the same, regardless of what the father does. It sounds to me like he is buying their love to make you look bad. Don't allow him to get in your head and make you doubt yourself.

I've been in your shoes. My childrens father was the same way. For years, I was always made the bad guy. Now my 3 children are grown and want nothing to do with thier father because They started to see the games he was playing with their emotions and the things he would do to me. I never spoke bad about their Father or his SO in front of my children. I did what I could for my children and with my children. We didn't always have fun (I was the rule enforcer), However I always made time for them. Movie nights, Family game nights, Sunday dinners, The children enjoyed my time more than my money.. All the quality times I spent with my children paided off in the long run.

Hang in there, Keep your head held high, Believe in yourself and your parenting... and most important... DON'T ALLOW HIM (THE EX) TO CONTROL YOU WITH HIS MIND GAMES.