Our marriage has been in the decline for atleast 15 years, at first I thought if I went back to school atleast I could get myself a decent career, however we had 4 middle school/high school aged kids and the process took really long for me to go to school because I attended to all of the important details with the kids, I actually ended up attending at least 5 colleges all in all. The problem was he had full control over the finances, and his response was always " we are ok" when I asked him if I could afford college etc. I graduated and he wouldn't even talk about how I was to pay the school loans (which gave me major anxiety) from than on things got worse. He would not fix my car when needed, refused to discuss paying for my daughters wedding dress and shower, wouldn't fix the air conditioner in the house when I was home, had me sleeping on a dorm room floor for my daughters college graduation, and recently arranged a vacation with my children without telling them I wasn't invited. Is this abuse? or is it my fault for not standing up for myself? Would love an objective opinion.
Yes it absolutely is. Before all the kids are 18, file a restraining order, get him removed from the house temporarily by the police and then permanently by a judge, and then file for divorce. You'll get child support and alimony. And he'll have to make the house payment and pay off your debt. Then you'll have a portion of his paycheck and a degree for later when the child support and alimony runs out. But don't get a job now - you want the judge to think you can't provide for yourself and your dependent children. Courts like to view women as the victims and you need to spin it that way to get your payoff. Having a physical abuse accusation on file would pretty much seal the deal if you can figure out how to get one on his record. You don't have to prove it, just make the accusation is all that's required. Not saying you should file false allegations or anything like that, but it's been done before, if you know what I mean.
Thanks for your reply. Sorry to say, that ship has sailed .... when I got out of college and he wasn't discussing my loans I panicked and took a job I actually knew wasn't right for me just to pay it off, once I paid it off I actually left the job I had such anxiety due to him and just attending to the kids. I went to a lawyer for a consult and told her some of the financial things and she didn't seem to be surprised. Im kind of done with consults, this lawyer seems fair but she did say his lawyer will make me responsible (legal word is impute) that salary from the job I couldn't handle, even if I have been trying to find a job since than. That would come out of my alimony. I am afraid I will not be able to attain that salary ever again given my emotional state now. I guess I just needed to hear that other people may think it is abuse to help me move on.
Well I think you should take a stand for your self. Because untill you don't stand for yourself no one will and on one will care. It had being 15 years of your marriage and he is still not taking his responsibilities. You can take advice from voyance pure expert, they can help to take future decisions and helps to unlock certain situations of life. Also you should talk to him, try to sort out the things.
This is financial and emotional abuse. If you're still under the same roof, find as much financial paperwork as possible. If the info is unsealed under your roof, you're entitled to make copies, etc. Do not access his password accounts even if they are saved for easy access. Go to the IRS and order transcripts of your family and business filings for the past 3-5 years. Call or go to the banking/investment institutions, and ask them to print accounts that are associated with your SSN, the individual and joint ones. Document how you contributed to the well being of the family. Go to an attorney and get out of this situation officially. Depending on your state, your not-so-significant other will have to deal with the idea with marital assets. He can either settle or unfortunately you two will pay the legal system more money to have the Court resolve the equitable distribution and dissolve the marriage.
Look ahead to your life that will not be dictated by such a controlling and demeaning individual. It will be a tough go for a bit, but you will make it.