I was married for 18 1/2 years/dated for 3 1/2 before that. My divorce was initiated in March and final in May of this year.
I had been unhappy for a long time with a very unaffectionate, unloving and volatile marriage. He has an addiction to porn and alcohol, however, it was rare for the alcohol to cause obvious issues....but he drinks everyday and can't stop. His father is an alcoholic.
He has had an issue with porn our entire marriage, if not before, which has destroyed my self esteem and caused serious problems with intimacy. Last summer when I discovered it was still going on, he lied incessantly about it until I just refused to believe what he was saying and he (sort of) came clean... it almost destroyed our marriage then...he swore he was done with it, was sorry, was willing to do anything. After about a month of indecision, I decided to give it another chance. He said he was getting help with the porn. I gave in to his request for more sex and he attempted to show more affection (however, it always felt manufactured...like I'll do this if you do that). In January, I found out about some disturbing health issues and when sex was temporarily off the table, so was his forced attempts at affection/attention. I grew extremely resentful and it showed. Very shortly after, (less than two weeks) I caught him yet again using pornography. Once again he tried to lie about it. At that point I was done. He appeared to be devastated but pushed the divorce through fast track, turning down my offer to let the dust settle and try a legal separation instead. He immediately (before papers were filed) joined a dating site which I accidentally found out about. At that point I asked him to find somewhere else to live. The fighting was happening around our kids and it was no longer a good environment for them. I'm going to fast forward a little....in the span of 5 months, he had sex with 4 different women, 4 off the dating site and one from Facebook he knew before we were married but never dated. He used no protection with any of them.
He approached me about reconciling a few times. Once sending me an email about what we would need to do and asking me to take the weekend to think about it. He told me he had plans with the one from Facebook but he cancelled them and broke things off with her until he got an answer from me. The next morning I went by his place and she had spent the night. He admitted to sleeping with her. He called her infront of me and broke things off. He was devestated and said he'd do anything. I then found out about a myriad of additional lies he had told. He's threatened suicide many times and did it again at this time. A few days later he got mad about financial stuff and started being horrible again. For the last two weeks he is back to saying he will do anything, go to counseling, whatever it takes...he just wants me back and our family back. He has been going to counseling on his own (maybe 3 times) and is sending me blogs about reconciliation to read/follow. The holidays have made this time very difficult. I do miss my family unit. I miss who I once thought he was. I am torn between wanting to give him a chance because of the life we had and our children...and wanting to shut the door for good and start actually healing and moving forward. I am riddled with guilt over feeling like I should have tried harder before walking away....Now there is all of this other stuff I don't know how to get past (mainly all of the unprotected sex with random out of town women). I keep praying about it trying to get a clear path from God & I just don't have one yet. If he is completely willing to give it his all am I supposed to trust that and explore a reconciliation? Or would it be crazy to think its any different this time? Any advice would be so appreciated.
Get the book,even online...4 dangerous personalities by Joe Navarro,an ex CIA profiler. Your husband has a diagnosis,and you will recognize when you read the book.You know that behavior is not normal,right?8
I agree with Janet. I didn’t realize my ex was a narcissist until we spectated and it was like a light was finally turned on in a dark room and it all became so clear. Once you realize the type of person he is you will know how to deal with him. Also do you think you can trust him again? Yes you have kids and a family unit but if you don’t have trust you really have nothing left. You can’t build any relationship without trust plains and simple.