I have been with my husband for 14 years, married 7. Last Summer I had an affair with my boss who is also married. I didn't want it to happen but I let it. At first it was strictly emotional with no physical contact. We would meet for coffee or dinner and I never told my husband who I was with. He found out and told me he wanted a divorce and he could never trust me again. Our marriage was already over in my opinion as he no longer paid any attention to me. I think he wanted this to happen. At the advice of my friend I went and talked to a lawyer who I used to work for who filed for me. I take responsibility for what has happened and realize I have to move on but it is hard. I am now conflicted with my new relationship as it has gotten physical. His wife does not know nor does any of our coworkers or friends. He claims no one can ever know because he could lose his job. I need someone to talk to about this. This divorce is draining everything out of me.

I know divorce is hard and no one wants to go through it alone, especially if you had felt unloved or unwanted by your husband. It is normal to seek out affection and company. That said, I would encourage you to step back from the affair. Going through a divorce and the aftermath is an emotional roller coaster and we often don’t make good decisions when such powerful emotions are pushing and pulling us in all directions. Step back & give yourself time to breathe. You get to build a new life now - Ask yourself who you want to be and what you want to see in the mirror looking back at you. Think about the man you are having an affair with - does he deserve you? Under other circumstances would you have an affair with a married man? If you stay with him, would you ever be able to trust him fully? All I’m trying to say is to give yourself the time and space to build a life that will bring you happiness.

Thank you Mary, I really feel so overwhelmed and have no one to talk to about this. I cannot talk to my mom or my sister either as they will not approve of my relationship. It is hard living everyday like I am someone else and I am starting to blame myself. My husband stopped loving me but he is not a bad person and is a good dad to our kids. I can't step back from the affair either. He is very persistent and I fear if I deny him he will not give me the job I was promised later this year. He is not someone that I see myself with long term as one of us will have to quit our jobs. No, I do not think I would trust him but I cannot leave him. When he calls I have to go.

Thank you for listening.

I’m glad you’re able to say positive things about your ex, that is very helpful as you move towards the new dynamic you will have with him as co-parents in the years ahead. Things can turn sour very quickly in a divorce so do whatever you can to keep on that positive footing. For the other relationship, I’m not sure what to say. Why do you feel that you have to go when he calls?

Oh no, my husband and I still have our issues. He is a controlling narcissist who has to have everything his way and thinks everything is his. Our marriage has been horrible for years, he drove me to do this.

As for my new relationship I am torn. Sometimes I feel bad for him as he tells me his wife will not be intimate with him anymore and wants out of his marriage but can't and then sometimes I think he is using me only for sex. They also have two kids and I feel really guilty sometimes because she has no idea. I know her and she is really sweet. In the Fall he is going to give me an advancement which is about 3 times what I make now. I am worried that if I stop going to meet him he will not give me the job. What should I do? I cannot figure out how I got into this mess as it happened so quickly.

It can be overwhelming, eh? The storms life throws at us, they can really knock us off kilter. You need to find your balance again I think. Divorce is exhausting, as is marriage to a narcissist, and when our strength is low we are vulnerable.

It’s important to find sources of strength in times like this and it doesn’t sound to me like the affair is a source of strength for you. If he was divorcing or single that would be a different story, but it doesn’t sound like either of those. The relationship is creating a gap between you and your support system and you need that support system now. It also gives your ex leverage against you - who is to say he will keep your secret? He can tell your family, your kids, your coworkers, whoever he chooses and a narcissist would not think twice about exploiting such an advantage.

For the job, I can certainly understand the importance. If you want to feel secure about the future, financial security goes a long way towards that. But ask yourself, is there really an advancement opportunity coming at your work or is it possible you’re being strung along? If there is an opportunity, are you the right candidate? If yes, you should get it regardless of what else goes on and you can fight for it if need be or find something similar elsewhere.

Try to make decisions that help to build your strength. Choices that you feel guilty about, or have to justify or that make you vulnerable when brought out into the daylight are not going to help you in the long run. Give yourself the advice you would give your daughter.

April1982: I would definitely cool the affair, especially during the divorce process which is stressful enough. Remember, he's cheating on his wife which means he could also cheat on you. I think it is a sign of severe problems in a marriage when an affair occurs or it means it's over, also, think of his wife, would you want to be in her shoes? Sometimes a man will cheat because he's looking for variety in the bedroom. Him sneaking around with you and having because nobody else will find out is no way to live and not a satisfying form of a relationship.

I was completely caught off guard by this man. I had worked for him for two years and I could always feel a little bit of mystery between the two of us but never imagined it would turn into this. I am an aide at a school and he was the principal. He told me he would get me a teaching job at the school if I completed the licensing and coursework which I am finishing now. This last Summer he was promoted to a higher position in administration where he actually has even more leverage to get me a position. I sent him an email saying congratulations and he replied with a thank you and wanted to get together for coffee. It was very apparent that first meeting what he really wanted which at first felt really good to be wanted. It has been so long, I don't think my husband found me attractive anymore. We had not had sex in months. I am worried that if I stop or tell him I want to put things on hold, things will change and I will not get the job. I need the money and this career change. I don't think my husband will say anything. He knows that if I don't get the job he will have to pay me higher child support. Besides, he acts like he could care less. I wonder if he is happy about this sometimes. I feel like this is a dream and I am going to open my eyes one day in another world. If feel bad for his wife, their kids and mine. I want this to end and no one finds out.

Well I think you need to take the reins and stop it then. Take ownership of your own role in the affair. Thinking in terms of “letting it happen” and “my husband wanted this to happen” are the little twists of logic we use to get ourselves off the hook. Taking ownership means admitting to yourself that you have been and are still an active participant in an affair with a married man. The choices you’ve made have led you here, and no one else’s. Then, forgive yourself. We all stumble sometimes. Your last sentence was “I want this to end” - act on it, it will give you strength. Never make fear-based decisions (loss of job op) they will never get you where you want to go. If the man tries to use the job as leverage against you, look elsewhere, or play hardball and return the threat in kind.

This is not my fault and I cannot stop it right now. I didn't ask for this and I could have secured the job myself. I thought the initial interest and flirtation was just that and some curiosity. What am I supposed to do, file a harassment claim so that I am embarrassed and blacklisted out of my own town? Once, I have the job secured I will slow it down a little and see what happens. I do however need to transfer my energy to the divorce and make sure I get everything out of the settlement I can.

Hmm.. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to put you on the defensive. It’s not about “fault” or blame, it takes two to tango after all, it’s about taking responsibility for the role you played to land yourself where you are. We each make our choices and our choices create the life we live. Since you mentioned feeling guilty, it seemed like you felt bad about the choices you were making, but doing the right thing is often the hardest thing.

I think the scenario you describe is more likely to play out if you continue the affair than if you end it, especially if you get the job. People notice things, and people talk. But I don’t see how ending the relationship would result in harm or humiliation for you. There’s no need to file a harassment suit. All you would need to do is just say “no” the next he wants to see you. That’s where your choices lie, and you do have a choice.

In the end, my sympathies lie with the man’s wife. She has done you no harm to deserve this and sooner or later she will find out. She will. Sincerely, I hope you go out and find yourself some hunky SINGLE stud muffin to spend your energies on and leave that other marriage to sort itself out one way or another. Best wishes.

I am sorry Mary. Maybe I am being defensive. I do feel guilty and I do think of her and how she would feel. Sadly I am not the first person he has done this to. He pursued a friend of mine about two years ago in a similar situation however she was not married. They were physical for about year and then she figured out he was just using her. The difference is that he can really make a positive impact in my future where it really did not matter to her. She just enjoyed it because she could get away with coming in late to work and basically doing whatever she wanted. She does not know about the two of us. Nobody does.

No need to apologize to me. I’m just a stranger giving an opinion. I’m not emotionally involved in the scenario so it all looks easy from here, but I know it’s not. I hope you find a solution and no one gets hurt. If you need any divorce advice, just holler, been there, done that. Take care