Hi all, new here. I have been married for many years, unhappily for most of it. I have dreamed about secretly planning to leave for years, but now I am ready to start planning. This will probably be a long process.
Although he has never physically abused me, he is very controlling, I am not able to have a life outside of him. He is an addict, isn't really drinking or drugging currently, but no program, so same crazy behavior, and he is emotionally stunted at a very immature mental age.
He uses huge fits, meltdowns, embarrassing public scenes, and other inappropriate behavior to control me, as well as threats.
The hilarious thing is for quite some time he "threatens" me with splitting up. I usually just shrug, but say nothing. I can't believe he actually thinks this is some big dreaded idea. Ha!
I have not told anyone about this plan, and don't plan to until I actually have everything set up and ready. I am starting to get $$ together, as well as thinking through the steps. I plan to just go once I can.
As I said he is very controlling, sneaky, stalker-ish, manipulative, always a victim, and just generally absurd. He will pull out all the stops once I leave. He is going to try to never leave me alone...ever. He will try every trick in the book. Knowing this has kept me frozen for years. Despite all that, I still want to leave
Anyone have any experience with a similar situation? I feel miserable and very alone.
Kim: While I haven't been in this situation, I did have a husband who once physically abused me. Fortunately he moved far away and left. Maybe you could move far from your husband. If you have no minor kids together, you don't have to speak with him when and if you file (let the Lawyer do the talking). I recommend speaking with someone with the Domestic Violence Hotline and making an appointment with a Divorce Attorney for a consultation and get your own bank account (a Lawyer would tell you to get your own credit card and to close any that are held jointly). As soon as you file and get away, and I recommend you do, close all joint credit cards and/or Store cards so he will not run up a debt on them out of spite. Get your own credit card(s). You could split whatever is in a joint account with him (just withdraw half when you are ready to leave). Get your own bank account. I hope you leave him for your own sanity.
You're being smart by prepping. I dragged my feet waiting for the last child to finish college and the H decided to leave once he became sober. Life with a substance dependent is lonely and I knew I could not spend the golden years with him. Be aware that their sobriety does not mean the divorce will be reasonable. The controlling nature may be fueled by vindictiveness which will keep you on toes. Being alert is always good.
Follow Lara's suggestions. Get one or two credit cards to preserve her credit history and minimize a hit to your debt-to-income ratio. Open a banking account, a PO box and bank security box for documents. I did the last two the day he left and they paid off. Secure copies of your last 3-5 IRS filings and substantiation. Then record all accounts in the filings. Copy credit card statements, insurance policies and mortgages/leases/deeds.
I stumbled upon a joint investment account on his departure date and at first I was going to leave half, but I'm glad I didn't. He was furious for months and my attorney advised me on day one to keep half to return it when need be. Now after the husband's outrageous fiscal antics, that little account (less that $30,000) is paying her fees. Spouses are entitled to use marital assets to pay legal fees. It's better to pay the fees and not drive up the credit cards, when possible.
Substance abuse affects everyone and it is miserable. Keeping looking foward and preparing yourself. Good luck!
I started by taking a little money i could afford and set it aside. Start calling and getting prices and who will work with you on making payments. It took me about 2 to 3 years before i got out and my own place with my boys.