Hello all,

First time even posting. I have read many of the posts and they are all very comforting. I just need to vent...I have been married for almost 9 years to a man that on the outside appears very normal, nice kind, and successful. But for the past 9 years life has been very different. He has verbally and physically abused on many occasions. Again, once family and friends learn of this they will be shocked. I have been a SAHM for the past 9 years so he feels I will never leave. I have money and I am so attached to my daughter and have been the primary caretaker and he knows it would kill me to imagine him caring for him on weekend visits. Especially since up to this point he has rarely been a parent. His idea if being a parent is bringing home a paycheck and of course being present in a room or at softball/soccer game of my daughters but all the time, he is on his blackberry, or just watching TV ignoring her in the house, or sleeping. My daughter who is very bright for 8 years old HATES him, she tells him almost daily that she wishes she had a new father and has gone to such extremes to tell him she wishes he was dead. She has witnessed him hitting me...and she on several occasions tried to jump in the middle. He is scum. He could care less what he says in front of her. Will curse, use the F word, tell her to never grow up like me, etc. He tells me I'm useless and I would be lucky if I could get a job at Walmart (no disrespect to walmart employees) Mind you, prior to marriage I was a VP for a healtcare company making over 6 figures, so I'm far from dumb, but he has really torn me down and made me question myself. I have been asking for divorce since I was pregnant 8 years ago. This is how long I have known I wanted out. My husband came from abuse, his mother is a schizophrenic and my biggest fear is he will become like her and I fear my daughter being in his presence without me. He could care less about our daughter he will only care about getting back at me. He is a very evil, cruel person when things don't go his way, or he is embarrassed which he will be once he is served papers who knows what he will do. There will not be enough money for him to leave our home (very large mortgage) so he will stay while I need to stay for my daughter to go to school. As for now, I spoke to an attorney and I'm trying to get paper work in order before our first meeting. I'm so sorry for venting, and rambling. I'm obviously very nervous for myself and my daughter. I know once he finds out he will cut me off of all income. Has anyone been in my position? I'm hoping to get full custody...does anything think I will be entitied to some alimony even if for a short period of time. I may have had a good job years ago..but that was 9 yrs ago and the economy and world has changed alot since.
I wish everyone posting much strength, health, and happiness! I know we all deserve it. Life is way too short to live like this. Thanks for letting me vent and get things out.
Lisa

Hi Lisa, so sorry you are going through this, to some degree I completely understand. One thing that jumps out at me is that it sounds like your daughter might be picking up some of his habits already, in that she tells him she hates him and wishes she had a new father. Although it is probably warranted, that isn't typical behavior for an 8 year old and could be quite hurtful to someone more sensitive. The point I am trying to make is it might give you strength to realize that this situation is probably doing permanent damage to her and she might be better off if the two of you were living in a small, peaceful environment without him; regardless of the financial situation. You can find a job; it might not be the greatest but at least you'll be free! I know its hard when you become dependent on someone else and they provide a decent lifestyle-everyone around comes to depend on it-but ask yourself "what do I need"? It often doesn't boil down to much. If he gets her on the periodic weekend you might just have to have faith that it will all be OK, at least he's not affecting her daily! Sorry for the long reply, funny how its so much easier to see through someone else's dilemma than your own! Good luck!

Put him out. Don’t leave. Have a temporary order for spousal support and temporary custody in place as well as a petition to maintain the family residence with your child. Get yourself a good divorce attorney now. Ask around from other females in your area who got favorable outcomes and their attorneys names. A good attorney will get you spousal support, and child support
As well as keep you in the family home until a judges final ruling.

Do you have any savings in a joint account that you could take to live on for awhile?

My ex was verbally and emotionally abusive

He lied about his finances and even though the divorce decree said joint custody he never had them live with him

Can you afford a small efficiency apartment for your daughter and yourself and then sell the home and split any profit

Could you stay separated until he would agree to sit down and agree to the terms of a divorce decree?

Maybe if you are separated there would be no court telling you how often or if he could have unsupervised vuditstion