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Re: Not sure if I want a divorce-Help

Julie,
My ex husband of 29 years had emotion affairs. Several as a matter of fact.
I wasn't sure that I wanted a divorce but I am so glad that I filed. I am so happy.
My children are grown but no matter the age it is hard there is no doubt about it.
Here is my advice..GET OUT! Leave I really wish that I had done it before I filed.
And to my surprise my now ex was surprised go figure that I filed for divorce.
If you are not going to seek help with the emotion affairs you will have more. That is a fact.
He will not seek anyone else because he made a vow, and it sounds to me like he is sticking to it.

Re: Not sure if I want a divorce-Help

Thanks Carol.
We are going to counseling together and separate. My therapist thinks I need to leave. It's just so hard because he is a good man and I am being horrible to him. I don't understand why, but I just don't love him-not like a wife should. He thinks everything is great between us and I feel like I'm beating my head against a wall because he doesn't seem to accept anything I say. I don't know if I have the courage to leave when he is being so nice. Hopefully I can manufacture the correct feeelings and love for him. I don't know, but I have to try for my kids. I hate being such a b*$%&#.

Re: Not sure if I want a divorce-Help

I am in the process of divorcing my husband of 31 years. My issues were similar to yours -- depression, lack of passion, his inability ti comprehend what I was feeling. We went through 2 years of couples and individual therapy. I learned that over the years I found other ways to find happiness. I buried myself in teaching in the lives of my boys. Once I retired and the guys were raised, I realized that I had never been honest with myself and with my husband. Talking with my sons now, they always felt that things weren't right between their dad and me.

Give your husband credit for going to therapy with you, but if he doesn't see that there is a problem you will have a long hard road to travel. I labeled my issues as mountains I had to climb. I hear a lot of quilt in your writing. You have nothing to be quilty for. You've made amends for straying and you sincerely don't want that to happen again. You said that you are grateful for his standing by you. I would bet that over the years you have stood by him many times. I had to let go of my quilt before I could move forward and work on my other issues. Work with your therapist to find ways to deal with your guilt, then you can tackle your ascent of the next mountains and finally reaching the summit of healing and resolution.

Asking for and getting a seperation helped me focus on me, MOST IMPORTANT
it was a wake up call for him that I was my feelings needed to be taken SERIOUSLY!! Focussing on me was so important in my therapy and in being able
to address our marriage issues in couples therapy. Please know that there is not quick fix to any of this.

I know that you are felling extremely vulnerable right now; but know that you deserve to be happy. You deserve to be listened to and your feelings
validated. Good Luck!

Marce

Re: Not sure if I want a divorce-Help

Thanks for the advice. It is a hard road to go down. I have so much anxiety at home and think its because I'm constantly thinking about whether or not I should leave. I know he feels the same. It's just my kids. How damaging is divorce on young kids? My kids are 2,4 and 6.

Re: Not sure if I want a divorce-Help

Julie, reading your message and the following replies has helped me so much. I too felt similar to yourself and Marce in that I knew that I didn't want to be with my husband anymore - I no longer loved him in that way. He'd become my best friend and I didn't want to hurt him by leaving him. We spent so many years (10 in total 3 married) growing together. Travelling extensively, seeing the good, bad and ugly of eachother. I couldn't stand the thought of leaving him but every moment together began to feel forced and fake and I began to lose all interest in intimacy. It went on for about a year and I guess you could say I had an emotional affair. I still feel awful about that, and so so guilty for the pain I put my husband through. I wish I'd been able to listen to my instinct and end things in a mature, amicable way. Instead it has dragged out for the passed year and a half of me blaming myself for his unhappiness and him manipulating me to feel even worse. I finally moved away from him and stopped hanging around the very close-nit group of friends we had and have started getting my life back together.

Sorry to waffle on about my situation but I just felt inspired to share my story after hearing yours Julie and the comments. Only now, 2.5 years after it all happened am I starting to see that there were issues that were'nt all my fault. Although I miss my best friend, I know that it was the right decision for me. Julie, I agree with the first comment, sorry can't remember your name atm, who said you should try the counciling first. That's one thing I never did with my ex and maybe it would have helped us both understand what we were going through a little better.
Thanks for allowing me to share.

Re: Not sure if I want a divorce-Help

Danielle,
Thanks for sharing your story. It does help to hear other people who are in the same situation. It sounds like you do not regret your decision to leave your ex. Did you have any children together. That is what's holding me back-the kids. I don't want to hurt or mess up my kids. On the other hand, the other day when I was crying because I feel so aweful and stuck, my 6 year old asked me why I was having such a bad day. He must have given me a dozen hugs that day. I try not to cry in front of my kids, but I just couldn't help it this day. Do you feel relieved for not having to fake being a wife anymore? Is it worth all the heartache? Have you found anyone new that you are madly in love with? Sorry for all the questions, but I have so many reservations about leaving because I find the unknown terrifying.

Julie

Re: Not sure if I want a divorce-Help

Can you try a trial separation?

Re: Not sure if I want a divorce-Help

Julie,

No we did not have kids and it was heartbreaking enough as it was without kids. I can't imagine how hard this must be for you.....maybe one of the other ladies out there is more able to shed some light on that area.

I too have had some passed issues that I've had to deal with which I've been getting counciling for and this has been going on for a number of years. I think it was Strongspirit101 who said that we need to look within not without for love and acceptance. I'm trying to do that at the moment. Although I don't have regrets about the divorce, it has been a long, painful road but I feel like I'm getting stronger now. No I haven't fallen madly in love, I want to eventually but I want to heal first and I truly think loving ourselves must come first before we can honestly love another.

Perhads try the counciling first; and if finances allow, what about a weekend away on your own. A clear head would help at this uncertain time. Stay well, and look after yourself.

Re: Not sure if I want a divorce-Help

Thanks Daniella and Strongspirit for you advice. Perhaps I do need to heal inside first before I can make any decisions. I think a trial separation is a very good idea. I also think it is the only way I will be able to grow from within as you put it and heal. I have a lot of guilt, anxiety, and saddness right now. I really think some time alone is what I may need to clear my head and make a consciouse decision that is responsible. Thanks ladies for all your help!