Karen,

Watch out for that "I want to take care of you" quote. My ex told me the same thing over and over and now that we have been divorced for a few years all he does is try to come back and take me to court to get as much back from me as he possibly can by lying and hiding his own income. Seems to me they just say all the positive things about being friends and taking care of us out of guilt or to get us to give in at times.

I don't trust my ex as a friend or as someone who even cares a little. He has proven himself as a coward and a cheater over and over again and I say, as I always do,....let these cheating women have them and all their possessions. It isn't worth the heartache these men bring upon the people who love them. Honestly, when I look at my ex now all I see is emptiness and a shallow soul. I get the urge to just shake my head in disgust, but I hold those feelings aside, I smile and discuss issues we need to discuss about the children and I walk away... because in the end, that is all we can do with men like these.

Susan....... Just let them go and move on.

Well I am hearing the same crap from my husband, We have been married 24 years and I to found out he was cheating on me 10 months ago, had a feeling in my heart something was going on because our sex life had come to a halt months prior to me finding out he was cheating. He begged me to keep fighting for us, keep trying. SO I did for the last 10 months, and thought things were getting better until two weeks ago I was talking to him on the phone as he was on a job, and out of the blue he tells me "you do know we are still getting a divorce don't you?" I totally LOST It on the phone, crying and everything! Hung up on his a@@ and started packing my clothes, I was out of there before he got home, came to my daughters and have been here since. I went back to the house this past sunday and had been up for two days and nights crying I walked in he had me lay down said I needed rest. I couldn't sleep I cried the whole time. I got up and tried to talk to him and he told me :
"I love you with all my heart always will, I just don't want to be married anymore, I don't want to answer to you or anyone anymore. I want us to just be friends and see how that works, then maybe later we can remarry or just live together" I just looked at him with tears rolling, heart broken all over again, asking him WHY? I don't understand and I don't think I will ever understand why.
He tells me he will pay for the house for me till it's paid off and give me money every month "take care" of me. Do I believe him......NO! Says he is in no hurry to file for divorce because he can't pay for it right now. Tells me to stay at our house, Well I can't be in the same house with him right now! He won't move out says he can't afford it. Tells me he doesn't know why he cheated on me, I think thats the coward way out! Ive done everything under the sun for this man and this is what I get after being with him 27 years, married 24 years. UGH! I am so hurt but I am starting to get angry!
I truly hope you can save your marriage, I wouldn't look past all the red flags. My husband told me to he wasn't cheating until he got caught! I tried like hell to save our marriage but it takes two to fight to save it and I thought I could make him want to stay and really I can't make him want to stay, he has to want it. That is when I said NO more, I was only hurting myself in the end. SO I am on day TWO with me NOT calling him or texting him. I am leaving him alone. HE hasn't tried contacting me either. I love him and wish he would try but he doesn't want to.

Thank you all for your replies. We have had 4 sessions of marriage counseling with the 5th coming up on Monday. However at the last session I explained to the counselor that my husband is not coming for the reasons I am, to save our marriage. So now our counseling has turned into individual therapy. My husband feels we need to work on ourselves first, and then maybe marriage. Before that session the counselor had assigned us homework, he was to talk to his mom about his childhood and I was to write a therapy letter to my mom, also we were to have date night and watch the movie Fireproof. That Saturday we went out, played darts and went to the movie to watch Dinner for Shmucks. We had a great time on date night, both of us did. Sunday he left at 7:30am and didnt get home until 7pm. I had a friend check on his story and it was legit. That night he tried talking to me, and again it was just the same thing, he doesnt think we should be married anymore. Monday morning we watched the movie Fireproof, my husband cried a lot in the movie. Yet that evening at our session he still says he doesnt want to be married. So the counselor has shifted her work from our marriage to individual treatment. I say I know for a fact he is not cheating, but really I dont. He works 2 jobs so he is gone a lot and the majority of the time I know where he is. If there is a lapse in time that I dont and I ask him about it he can account for it and if I check up on his story its accurate. So I am pretty sure he is not cheating. His complaint is that he is too passive, but that is really all that has come out so far. He hasnt really said what it is about me or anything else about himself that makes him not want to be married anymore or ever. All I can get out of this is that he finally made a decision and now doesnt want to back down. He never makes decisions, thats true, when I ask him what he wants to do or eat or what color to paint the walls, its always I dont care, whatever sounds good to you, or it doesnt matter to me. So deciding on divorce was a decision he made and he told the counselor that it may not be the right decision either, but its a decision he made. He still wears his wedding ring and says that he wont take it off or even go file for the divorce yet because he is afraid that if he does I will give up on everything I need to do, like going to school which he is paying for. We have a 10r old daugter and 6yr old son together and a 16yr old daughter from a teenage relationship I had before my husband, but he he has been there since she was 4yrs old and is basically the only Dad she knows. We are all still living in the same house and if I try to sleep on the couch he insists I come to bed, however there is not affection from him. If I cuddle to him he just lies there. He doesnt push me away but he doesnt engage either. I am truly at a loss here on what to do. I dont know how to be patient, or not plan activities and schedule things. With 3 kids you can imagine if I didnt run a schedule Dr appts would get missed, kids would miss practices, etc. So how do I compromise? And how do I not just sit and cry?

My best piece of advice, as I have been going through the exact same thing, is to take it day by day. It's hard. And reading your post, sounds just like me... there is actually someone else out there who's husband decided that they had made a decision and were going to stick with it for the first time in there lives. We have 2 kids, have been married for 7 1/2 years together for 10. We just finalized the sale of our home, and have signed all of our separartion papers, We both tried, but it always came back to the same thing, he feels like there is something missing in his life - and I just can't seem to help him figure out what it is, not for lack of trying, so he has decided he needs to accomplish things on his own, so be it... Like I said it hurts, it's hard, and you probably won't ever know why, but you will get to the other side, weather that means together or apart, you will get there. And, I promise you, you will be one h*ll of a strong person when you get there. I know I am, and I hope for you, that you can get there too.

This might not be that helpful for you but I want to say these stories have made me feel much less alone and I can’t tell you what a relief that is for me. I don’t have any married friends, I don’t have any friends in relationships where their bf can’t make an decisions. Even though I don’t have any kids, I really sympathize with you guys.

From what I’m reading, it sounds like your husband is missing the spark from your marriage and just thinks divorcing will help him find something else to be excited about again. Not that you’re boring or you did anything wrong, it’s obviously all in his mind. If he still wants to wear a ring, cried at Fireproof(great movie btw) and cares about you enough to talk and go to counseling….it sounds like some kind of internal struggle he doesn’t even know what to do with. Searching for a puzzle piece that probably isn’t even missing.

Unfortunately, all you can do is try your best if you want it to work and hope the counseling helps if you really put in all your effort. Maybe try writing him a hand written letter and explaining how important he is to you and how the years with him have been maybe difficult at times but that he is such a good person and father and matters so much to you. Sometimes reading words in someone’s hand writing can really make it feel more personal. And giving him space to read it alone is also important I think. Men don’t often get flowers, candy, gifts and letters so they really do appreciate them when they come, in my experience.

I hate that in these situations it always seems like the husbands think the grass will be greener on the other side and think we’ll be waiting for them when they’re done experimenting. They think they can have their cake and eat it too. That we’ll be they’re best friend and keep our rings on and wait for them while they do whatever they think they need to do to feel happy. It’s very selfish of them in my opinion and apparently something like 70% of people go back to their ex after a breakup so obviously they haven’t learned yet….

I’m sorry you’re going through this pain. We are here for you.