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Using new boyfriend to get custody

I have so many issues going on with my divorce. this one is a hard one on me. my stbx dont like that i have moved on with someone from my past from way back before him. He has had a rough and troubled life. He has had his share of dui's and is currently serving time for it. although he got this last trouble shortly after we got back together i have stayed with him, cuase i know he is wanting to change his life cause heknows that how his life was is not getting him anywhere and is so wanting to change to a more simple life and to be with me and my kids. he is a good man, a good father, and a dear dear person in my life. well the stbx wants to say if he stays in my life my daughter will be living with him. Is that right for him to tell me who i can be with. stbx wants to use what has happened against me and wants custody. I just dont get why he thinks he can control me in such a way. He says he is drunk all the time and drives. well he dont if he has kids with him, and i am very strong willed about the drinking and driving. so the new bf knows to be wtih me he has to change is old habits and make new ones. I am not going ot tell him he cannot drink, cause that will only cause him to hide it. so just wondering if i keep with what my plans with the new bf is going to cause me any more trouble with the stbx and the courts

Re: Using new boyfriend to get custody

I wish I could say you are on the right track and all will be okay but unfortunately I can't.

Realistically -- If the shoe was on the other foot how would you react?? I would have to honetly say I would be doing the same thing as your stbx and doing all I could to keep that person out of the kids lives.
There are SOOOOO many red flags with the new/old guy in your life. The drunking issues out weigh the fact that he is caring and sweet. The big issue is I would not want to have someone with those issues around my kids.
I don't think your stbx is jumping all over it because he wants to cause you grief or control you... I honestly think he is really concerned.

From my experiences with someone that has a drinking problem.
- they promise to change over and over again until its just words.
- they dont just change.... they need to get help and I am not saying you help him... they need professional help and donesn't guarantee it will change them, but the chances are greater with the professional help.
- if you say he doesn't have a drinking problem then you are kidding yourself. He is serving time because of a DUI and its not his first... he has a drinking problem.
- You don't want to tell him not to drink because then he would hide it... yeah because he wont and cant stop.

You are treading rough waters and it almost looks like you are jumping from the pot to the fire. For the best interrest of your kids I think you need to be honest about the facts and do what is best for the safety of your kids.

I don't mean to be harsh but seriously you have blinders on right now and what you are heading for is worse then having a husband cheat on you.

Re: Using new boyfriend to get custody

I have to agree 100% with Jenster. I am married to an alcoholic for almost 20 years and it is not fun and does not get better and their empty promises are only there to keep you trapped. Your new guy is controlling you more than your ex, you just can't see it. You think he doesn't drink and drive with the kids? Yeah, I thought so too, only to catch mine slipping a can of beer into his pocket to drink WHILE picking up my son. My guess is he's done this a million times before, I just didn't know. They are experts at lying and hiding. Go to Al-Anon, get some support. But don't trust him. I understand you love him, he is sweet, but sometimes they need people like us to let them go to realize the path they are on (and sometimes even that is not enough). Focus your heart on your children and their safety, and on your self-worth. There are still issues you need to work through if you think it's OK to be with an alcoholic. I am not preaching from a pedestal here, I am right there in it. Learning that I deserve better than this, trying to find a way out without hurting my kids. Can you step back for a little while? There must have been a reason why you left him in the first place. Go back to that feeling. Maybe you are with him again now because he is familiar. That doesn't make it safe. Can you be there as a friend, have him in your life that way, but no more? I truly understand how hard that is. But you are probably setting yourself up for more heartache one way or the other. Have your bf prove to you he is safe before you trust him. Blind trust with alcoholics gets you (and him) nowhere. Good luck. My heart goes out to you.

Re: Using new boyfriend to get custody

I agree with Strongspirit that perhaps you sought the comfort of an old boyfriend because he is familiar. Your boyfriend doesn't present as someone that is emotionally available or accountable for taking the steps he needs to be a healthy partner for you and role model for your children. Many women, when coming from a space of grief, rejection, or the ending of a toxic relationship seek to heal the void by getting involved in a relationship that by initial impressions feels safe & flattering. I am a firm believer in allowing yourself time to heal. It is so important to feel confident, safe & happy as an independent women without feeling as if you need another person to make you whole. It has been my experience that if you are unable to to define yourself as such that often the comfort of others is sought for the wrong reasons. In a relationship love and kindness aren't enough. Take a step back & ask yourself what kind of values? character? role model? do I want to have for my children. Addiction is a self destructive path that often includes the addicts rather selfish, persistent need to use drugs or alcohol to cope with stress and emotional avoidance. Your b.f may be kind & sweet but an unhealthy partner for you. This may be difficult for you to see, coming from a space of emotional vulnerability. Your children depend on you to make decisions that are healthy for them also. I do wish for you the best.

Re: Using new boyfriend to get custody

For a bit of background the new boyfriend was my first husband. We were married very young and he was in the Marines when we married and we moved 2000 miles away from home. We lasted just over a year, when he was to get out he wasnt ready to come home and I was. He has not been back to our hometown to live since. I have been back here for 20 years out of the 25 since I was married to him. Yes he drank then and drove, I had problems with it and he knew it then and he knows it now. Since we have been in contact in the past 8 months we had started out as friends. I have been seperated from my husband since June of 09. I had it in my mind that I didnt need a man, I was not out looking for a replacement. I was moving on in my life with my kids and myself. I had no intentions of getting involved with anyone. Then my first ex came in to the picture. We talked on thephone and texted all the time. We discussed issues that had been going on with each other. This incident that he is in now happened during that time. We knew we were in love again, and it was so much more than I know I have felt for him or anyone before. And it was not all the sympathy of his issues, or the sweet and kindness. it was everything that made me fall so much more in love with him. How he is with his own kids is what I want for mine. He is a loving parent with a drinking problem. As I had said in the other reply, I have known my share of alcoholics and I have seen some of the most amazing men in them and mostly cause of the way they are with thier kids. And compared to what my kids have had in thier life for so long, having someone to talk and care for them and treat then like people instead of objects is a much better role model than a selfish child that takes everything and not give nothing. My bf is wanting to change, and he wants to be a better person for himself and his kids and me and my kids. I am not going to turn my back on him, that is what everyone has always done to him for whatever reason, cause of him or thier own reasons. I see a better person that deserves love and family. We both have our own struggles to deal with. I was ready to take them on on my own but I am glad I dont have to do it cause I do have someone that loves me and wants to stand with me thru my struggles, as I do with him.

I was having problems with the stbx way before the bf came into the picture. Every day there was something, he would call or text and promise this or that if i would give him a chance. And when I would he would take me and crush me within days. and then it would happen again. I was waiting and hoping the stbx to change to be a better person to me and the kids and he dont drink or do drugs. He is just a selfish person. I would allow him to come back and within days he would leave cause he didnt get his way.that went on for months, then once when he didnt get his way he told me he didnt want to be married to me anymore, I gave him a couple weeks and he still said it so i filed for divorce. Since then it has been even more hell. He was still wanting to come back, and begged many times but he would not sacrifice one thing to do so. I had let him come back for so many years without questions after he would leave us. I was not going to allow it anymore, he was going to have to show me that he really wanted to be with us and not cause we were comfy to him. About the time he let the car go back, I recieved flowers for Valentines. Funny, he said they werent from him (found out months later they were)but he didnt care if I had a way to the store to buy food. So now that you know more about the one that wanted custody, do you still feel that he has a right to it cause I have a bf that has issues but are paying for them now, and wants to make a change in his life that he hadnt done before. May sound like empty promises, but I do not feel they are. His kids that know him much better, say that they can see he is really wanting to make a change in his life. And they know that it is for himself, for them and me. They can have no respect for him for his mistakes but they do have respect and is proud of him for taking the responsibility and wanting to change. They know that the change he is making is not an easy one for him cause he will be farther away from them, but they are supportive cause they feel it is for the best for him too.

I can go on and on defending the bf, and I dont want to cause I shouldnt have to. I guess I didnt make it very clear in my orginal post that the stbx is one of the worst fathers I know. I have defended him for years of others trying to tell me that he was not a good person. I have had to make excuses for him and the things he has done. He might not be an addict, but there are other types of people out there that are bad people that arent addicts. People need to see that although there is an addiction there is still a person in there that wants to be better. Unlike the ones that dont have an addiction and just dont know how to be a better person.

Sorry about the spelling and typing. I am tired, its been a long week and still have more of it to deal with.

Re: Using new boyfriend to get custody

I appreciate your input. I have taken his problem to heart. I have discussed it with others. He has proved a lot to me, and i have thought of them as empty promises. while we are not able to be with each other at this time, we are doing a lot of writing about a lot of the issues to each other. I have to disagree about them changing. I have seen men that have done it and are the most awesome men i know. I even thought they were good when they were drinking, but when they conquered the addiction and they stayed the same awesome men and fathers they had given me a new look on addictions. It does take professional help, and a good support team.

Sad to say that my stbx isnt any better at being a role model. He is one of the most selfish self-centered person I know. And yes he is doing it to control me. When I found out the house was going into foreclosure and to be able to keep the house, my sister is buying so we can stay here, my stbx tells my daughter that he will not allow my sister to buy the house. She asked him what about her and where is she suppose to live (this was before the custody)he told her it wasnt his problem when she is with me. When he didnt pay on the car payment and the bank came and took it she asked him how is mom suppose to go to work or the store he told her again it wasnt his problem. And at the time he was still saying he loved me and wanted me back, but he wasnt going to give anything to help unless I let him back. To me that is controlling. He would of saved the house, he would of paid to save the car if I would let him back. but as long as I said I couldnt live the way we have for so long he didnt care about anything but himself. I am sad cause my daughter of 14 yrs old has no respect for her own father all cause of the mean things he has done to us, and it was all to control us.

I can take harshness, I am just saying that there is a reason why I am divorcing my husband now.

Re: Using new boyfriend to get custody

I can understand what you are saying. Problem is it's all coming from the heart, and I don't think the courts care about that. Can you seek legal advice? Maybe if you are not living with your bf, your ex cannot present a case for custody (and you'll have enough to counter his case). Wait a year. Keep records of how your bf goes to AA meetings, has clean record etc. to show the courts that he really is changing and that he is no threat to your kids. As much as you want to believe he will change, with him serving for DUI right now...doesn't look good. I really truly hope you are right, that he is ready to change, that he has hit rock bottom and this is the beginning of his climb out of the life he has been living. But I don't think intentions are enough. Love waits, so if you can wait a year before living with him, and then if your ex causes a problem again, you can prove to the courts he is better, and I think you might have a better chance.

Re: Using new boyfriend to get custody

I agree with Strongspirit, give it time. True love does wait. I know what a controlling, manipulating ex is like. I have one. He is okay until he wants something his way, then all hell can break loose to get what they want.

... But saying your ex is really awful and beyond compare to your new boyfriend does not cancel out your new boyfriend's drinking or any other bad actions he may have. We are not saying to kick your boyfriend out of your life completely, but do you really need this extra baggage at this time in your life? It may be easier on you and your children to take some time to just work on your own life with your children. He may be good with your kids and his, but if the drinking does not stop or it comes back...then what will this do to your children in the long run?

I know it can be tough on your own and you feel the kids need someone as well, but for all your sakes...give it a little time and this may benefit all who are involved.


Re: Using new boyfriend to get custody

I am sure you have good reasons for divorcing your ex and I am not disagreeing with you regarding that. Sure it isn't nice how your ex treated you and you daughter however you are so sure that your bf can and will change his drinking problem but you have NO faith that your ex could change.
I have seen the most selfcenter, selfish and childish man that was not a good father figure in anyway CHANGE into a great father for his kids.
My concern is the drinking issue that is in no way healthy for your child to have to see or deal with. You are not thinking about your daughter right now... you are only thinking about yourself and what you want.
I agree with the others. Just be friends to your bf and not bf and gf... be there for him and be supportive. If you are meant to be together you will when the timing is right.... and he has cleaned up. Do it for you daughter.

Re: Using new boyfriend to get custody

Yes, I am sure that the bf can change, he knows if he dont do something better for himself he is going to lose everything. And Yes I am sure the ex wont cause I have given him 10 years to change, yes with me enabling him to stay the same. Over a year ago I put my foot down and told him what he needed to do to make things right for the family. I would not let him come running home as I had before, and all he did was get mean and even more selfish. We went to counseling for months and even over the past 10 years. He will admit he has to change, but when it comes to show it he is unable to make the difference that is needed to come home. Once he left the house in June 09, he wanted to have the single life and his family life. He was not willing to make any sacrifices for his family. He has never had to make any in the past, that is why I had to put my foot down and it was either do what is right or stay gone.

And I am not only thinking of myself when it comes to my bf. If my daughter did not adore him as the man he is and the father he is to his own kids he would not be in the picture. However, she does, he talks to her in a way her own father dont. They have made a bond that she has not had before, it is a father/daughter bond. He has a daughter a year younger than mine and they have bonded as sisters. My daughter feeling loved and cared for and not feeling like an object is more important to me than my own happiness. When things got serious with my bf I talked to my kids and told them everything, they were so supportive cause they felt that it will be also good for them. However, wehn I discussed with the kids about reconciling the marriage again, they were totally against it. Everyone is stressing about the drinking of the bf. He is devoted to me and my kids and his kids and I know he would not put our lives in danger, maybe his own but not ours. Where he is living at now, he dont have friends or family that will be supportive and understanding of the drinking problem. With me and where i am he has friends and family and my family to be supportive. I cannot turn my back on him and no one that knows him and me does not think that I should cause of his drinking problem. I understand more of his situation than just about anyone, so I will be here as a friend but also as his gf.