I appreciate your input. I have taken his problem to heart. I have discussed it with others. He has proved a lot to me, and i have thought of them as empty promises. while we are not able to be with each other at this time, we are doing a lot of writing about a lot of the issues to each other. I have to disagree about them changing. I have seen men that have done it and are the most awesome men i know. I even thought they were good when they were drinking, but when they conquered the addiction and they stayed the same awesome men and fathers they had given me a new look on addictions. It does take professional help, and a good support team.

Sad to say that my stbx isnt any better at being a role model. He is one of the most selfish self-centered person I know. And yes he is doing it to control me. When I found out the house was going into foreclosure and to be able to keep the house, my sister is buying so we can stay here, my stbx tells my daughter that he will not allow my sister to buy the house. She asked him what about her and where is she suppose to live (this was before the custody)he told her it wasnt his problem when she is with me. When he didnt pay on the car payment and the bank came and took it she asked him how is mom suppose to go to work or the store he told her again it wasnt his problem. And at the time he was still saying he loved me and wanted me back, but he wasnt going to give anything to help unless I let him back. To me that is controlling. He would of saved the house, he would of paid to save the car if I would let him back. but as long as I said I couldnt live the way we have for so long he didnt care about anything but himself. I am sad cause my daughter of 14 yrs old has no respect for her own father all cause of the mean things he has done to us, and it was all to control us.

I can take harshness, I am just saying that there is a reason why I am divorcing my husband now.

I can understand what you are saying. Problem is it's all coming from the heart, and I don't think the courts care about that. Can you seek legal advice? Maybe if you are not living with your bf, your ex cannot present a case for custody (and you'll have enough to counter his case). Wait a year. Keep records of how your bf goes to AA meetings, has clean record etc. to show the courts that he really is changing and that he is no threat to your kids. As much as you want to believe he will change, with him serving for DUI right now...doesn't look good. I really truly hope you are right, that he is ready to change, that he has hit rock bottom and this is the beginning of his climb out of the life he has been living. But I don't think intentions are enough. Love waits, so if you can wait a year before living with him, and then if your ex causes a problem again, you can prove to the courts he is better, and I think you might have a better chance.

I agree with Strongspirit, give it time. True love does wait. I know what a controlling, manipulating ex is like. I have one. He is okay until he wants something his way, then all hell can break loose to get what they want.

... But saying your ex is really awful and beyond compare to your new boyfriend does not cancel out your new boyfriend's drinking or any other bad actions he may have. We are not saying to kick your boyfriend out of your life completely, but do you really need this extra baggage at this time in your life? It may be easier on you and your children to take some time to just work on your own life with your children. He may be good with your kids and his, but if the drinking does not stop or it comes back...then what will this do to your children in the long run?

I know it can be tough on your own and you feel the kids need someone as well, but for all your sakes...give it a little time and this may benefit all who are involved.

Susan

I am sure you have good reasons for divorcing your ex and I am not disagreeing with you regarding that. Sure it isn't nice how your ex treated you and you daughter however you are so sure that your bf can and will change his drinking problem but you have NO faith that your ex could change.
I have seen the most selfcenter, selfish and childish man that was not a good father figure in anyway CHANGE into a great father for his kids.
My concern is the drinking issue that is in no way healthy for your child to have to see or deal with. You are not thinking about your daughter right now... you are only thinking about yourself and what you want.
I agree with the others. Just be friends to your bf and not bf and gf... be there for him and be supportive. If you are meant to be together you will when the timing is right.... and he has cleaned up. Do it for you daughter.

Yes, I am sure that the bf can change, he knows if he dont do something better for himself he is going to lose everything. And Yes I am sure the ex wont cause I have given him 10 years to change, yes with me enabling him to stay the same. Over a year ago I put my foot down and told him what he needed to do to make things right for the family. I would not let him come running home as I had before, and all he did was get mean and even more selfish. We went to counseling for months and even over the past 10 years. He will admit he has to change, but when it comes to show it he is unable to make the difference that is needed to come home. Once he left the house in June 09, he wanted to have the single life and his family life. He was not willing to make any sacrifices for his family. He has never had to make any in the past, that is why I had to put my foot down and it was either do what is right or stay gone.

And I am not only thinking of myself when it comes to my bf. If my daughter did not adore him as the man he is and the father he is to his own kids he would not be in the picture. However, she does, he talks to her in a way her own father dont. They have made a bond that she has not had before, it is a father/daughter bond. He has a daughter a year younger than mine and they have bonded as sisters. My daughter feeling loved and cared for and not feeling like an object is more important to me than my own happiness. When things got serious with my bf I talked to my kids and told them everything, they were so supportive cause they felt that it will be also good for them. However, wehn I discussed with the kids about reconciling the marriage again, they were totally against it. Everyone is stressing about the drinking of the bf. He is devoted to me and my kids and his kids and I know he would not put our lives in danger, maybe his own but not ours. Where he is living at now, he dont have friends or family that will be supportive and understanding of the drinking problem. With me and where i am he has friends and family and my family to be supportive. I cannot turn my back on him and no one that knows him and me does not think that I should cause of his drinking problem. I understand more of his situation than just about anyone, so I will be here as a friend but also as his gf.