I think we just know, but don't want to admit it.
I've been married 32 years, am going through divorce now. I don't want to give it up, but I just know it's time to stop the charade. I too felt like a "household manager", not a wife.
I think if you're wondering "how do you know"...you may already know.
I can completely relate to what you say, mine is the same. I say he is a "fair weather friend". He also plays dumb (well, sometimes I wonder if he is playing). I think they are threatened by our success, they have to put us down to keep them feeling OK. Blame us for everything to make us doubt ourselves, to "keep us in our place". I am also sick of it, sick of being to blame for everything bad, not noticed for anything good, and generally excluded from him, his friends, his family, like I just don't matter. It has been this way for 20 years. I used to feel worthless, like I deserved to be treated this way and couldn't get anyone else so I should just put up with it. But I was never able to do this, I have fought against it and now I KNOW (not think) that I deserve better. Unfortunately, he will not leave and I won't move my children out of our home and I also won't leave them behind so here we are, him living in the basement. I am living as though we are already divorced. I don't talk to him. If he starts with the negativity I seriously ignore him because I know it means he is feeling insecure and trying to get a rise out of me so he can believe he still matters to me. So be it. I am way to busy to waste time on him. It sounds like you are in a similar place, where you are deciding to leave or just co-exist with him. Whatever you decide, refuse to let him have your joy and peace. Those are your gifts, cherish them and protect them from all of those (not just your h) who can't see their own gifts and want to steal yours.