We have just decided tonight to separate. I have a 10 month old son and I am in shock...

Shock is the first feeling that usually kicks in and then there will be so many other feelings that come later as you go throughout this process. I went through shock and sadness at first. I felt numb and heartbroken. Your heart is telling you this can't be really happening....but you know it is. It really is like going through the steps of someone's death.

First you have to acknowledge and accept what is happening... then the other steps will follow. This is really the time to surround yourself with the people who love and care about you. Sometimes you will want someone to just listen. Sometimes you may want someone to help give you answers and sometimes you may just want to write things out to purge all these built up feelings.

I took my sons and myself to a counselor to give us each time to workout how we felt about their father walking out for someone else. This may not be your situation, but we all have different situations yet share the same feelings as we go down the path of divorce.

This is also the time to take care of yourself for your child as well. Eat healthy even if you do not feel you can at times. Talk to your doctor if this is affecting you physically. Push yourself to do things even though you may just feel like giving up at times. Some people find it hard to sleep at night for a while. I did at first. I would make myself a warm cup of tea before bed and put my TV on or read a book just to keep my mind off things I did not want to dwell on.

Most of all remember...We were all where you were at one time and one by one we all make it through this no matter how dark it all seems right now. I can tell you it will get better, but at this point you will not believe it. I know I did not, but I am a very emotional person and things hit me really hard and I know if I have made it through this all then you can too. Hang in there. It is like a roller coaster ride of ups and downs that change your life and you can go through this kicking and screaming, or you can set it in you heart that you deserve better than to let this destroy you.

You have a child that loves you even though he is to young to express that in words now. We make it through for our kids sake and well being, but then again they inspire us to make it through for ourselves as well as them. You can do this by taking it day by day. We are all here to talk you through. You are in my prayers.

Susan

Wow Susan! You are "textbook" about this divorce s**t! I couldn't have said it better myself. Totally agree with every word.

I've been through it all with my ex...hell and back. I could fill a volume of books for all the ups and downs I've faced. I have grown from a quiet, husband serving housewife into a much stronger and independent person throughout my divorce after a twenty year marriage. I am finding the person I lost in myself and I have learned how much blind love can destroy a person.

I can't tell you how many lessons I have learned through this all about....wisdom, compassion, self worth, courage, independence, true love, friendship, fighting for values, seeing people for who they really are, seeing what is really of value in life etc......I have cried, prayed, laughed and talked my way through it all and trusted God for the rest. This forum of friends helped as well.

I think we each have something to offer others on this forum that will make us stronger as a group and as an individual. I wish I could just give everyone on here a hug and tell them it is possible. I would have thought I would have been someone who would have curled up and died if my husband had walked out on me for someone else...but "I DIDN'T." I would never give him that satisfaction. Anger at the injustice of it all can be a good starting point to stand up and dust yourself off...then knowledge and facing your fears will pull you along as well and prayer can do the rest.

Susan

I truly believe life's greatest lessons are the most painful. I feel that my extreme emotional reaction towards my stbx husbands infidelity and rejection has more to do with my sense of self then the ending of my marriage. Having to face being alone, supporting myself, even mowing the lawn and shoveling the driveway has given me an appreciation of my ability to be independent. Despite being lonely at times, I have so many moments of gratefulness that I no longer am around someone that truly did not respect me. It was emotionally an even lonelier place to be. The divorce process is a journey of so many mixed emotions. In retrospect, I am trying to ask myself not why did my husband do this or that but why did I remain in an emotionally vacant marriage for so long. What my husband is thinking, doing and who he is doing it with is really irrelevant! What is relevant is what I do in order to live a happy fulfilling life. I wish the best for you Susan. You sound like a strong woman that has come to the same conclusion. May we both never compromise our respect and dignity again in any relationship!

Your words ring so true. I have reached a point where the awful things that my ex said and did as well as some of the things he continues to do are now in God's hands and judgement. It is not good holding on to all that pain and issues belonging to him. After the anger, the hurt, the shame in them and their actions, you have to work on finding peace again within yourself. That is one thing my ex can never do...all his happiness is in his outside world. He depends on money, objects, trips and activities to give him his highs in life and when they no longer do he goes searching for new things. I can't tell you how many homes, cars, earlier jobs etc...he has gone through. He can never just sit back and enjoy what he has for very long....it was only a matter of time before he gave me up as well. I am surprised I lasted 20 years... I must have done something right in his eyes. But it is all so freeing just to let him go and leave justice to God. Right now I have my home and children to deal with along with other things and my plate is full. When the boys no longer need this house or their mom so much...I will have more time and freedom to explore the possibilities of all the directions life may take me. Thinking about this kind of makes me put ever marrying again on a back burner. Sometimes I go out to a store or movie etc and I see a husband and wife speaking very cruel to one another in a heated argument and I think to myself....It is good to be free.

Susan

I so just love your words. I have been separated since summer 2008 and our divorce was final April 7, 2009. I have not had the desire or interest in having another man in my life. Sometimes you wonder if there is something wrong but after reading what you wrote I just do not think so. I had almost 20 years of being controlled by somebody else. I lost myself over those years and I am working on getting myself back. I get lonely sometimes but it is peaceful and quiet in my house and I would not change that for anything. I want to find other women like me who believe it is okay to be by themselves, find themselves again and maybe just maybe allowed another person back in their life. Please I want to hear from other women on how they feel. I know for myself I do not want to make another mistake - I would rather grow old by myself then just settle on another man.